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Sufferer Grateful To Find This Place-introduction

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purpleygoodness

Hello everyone,

I must say I am extremely grateful to have found this site. It has been difficult to find others who may relate. I feel that it may be helpful for me to start a trauma journal in the members only thread in the future but didn't want to jump into the space without introduction. I've found sharing trauma experiences and processing it with compassionate witnessing to be beneficial in coping with invalidation issues I have. I also learn a lot and find healing from witnessing other's experiences.

I am 34, married, mom of a young daughter. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and have received treatment off and on with flare-ups. I have bouts of agoraphobia, severe social anxiety, and fear of driving. I wasn't correctly diagnosed until a few years ago after a "perfect storm" scenario finally pushed me over the edge and I had a nervous breakdown experience. It was then that I found out that I had been misdiagnosed for many years which I had already known in my heart and with all logical reasoning. I found out I had experienced childhood psychiatric medical abuse and finally felt safe and heard so I could begin more in depth treatment. I knew what my parents did was a lie and cover up for abuse, I just didn't know there was a term for what happened.

My trauma background includes growing up in a home with an alcoholic father with narcissistic, tyrant, controller behaviors. He would rage and chase us around the house for hours sometimes with a knife saying he would kill us all and himself. Hold me hostage in the car and drive swerving as through he was going to ram us into a post saying he might as well kill us all because I couldn't pull the carb content of a chicken nugget off the top of my head. There's much more obviously I can't fit it into a paragraph, and much of my childhood is blocked out. But I'm sure you get the theme. It was nearly everyday with his hours of raging and abuse.

My mother was a nurse. I guess a narcissistic martyr profile with munchausen and munchausen-by-proxy type behaviors would describe her best. She had transference issues. To her, my brother was the golden child and her father who could do no wrong. I was her mother and she hated her mother. She even referred to me by her mother's name. I was the scapegoat of this family. They created demonized versions of me and tried to convince everyone I was to blame for everything. Meanwhile I was the prime target of abuse from my father and mother, but required to be their personal counselor and caretaker from a young age.

My mother convinced me I had OCD at age 7 when my father who has genuine OCD was about to begin a drug trial. Gave me all of the diagnostic criteria and I felt I had to go along with it. If I disagreed she gas-lighted me or lied and said it was true. Biggest mistake of my life. This led to 15 years of constant diagnosis additions and changes. Everything from OCD, Bipolar, Schizophrenia. If I showed any emotion at all I was drugged even more and my mother got the sympathy she needed from the doctor and the family and friends she shared her suffering with.She made up physical ailments for me, brought home expired drugs from work to "treat me" at home and also ignored real medical emergencies on a regular basis. Because she was a nurse, they believed her. She would actually verbally abuse me to get me to cry or be angry just for the reaction and treatment I would supposedly require later or just to play the victim.The side effects of the medication alone were like torture. I'd have days I couldn't see straight and everything looked like a movie film in slow motion flickering. Muscle shaking, intense physical pain, exaggerated intense anxiety feeling like my body was going to implode. I don't know how to explain it other than my body was a torture chamber. If you don't have a chemical imbalance and you introduce 5 or 6 medications at once in mega doses some shown to be potentially lethal to full grown adults to a child who experiences daily abuse that was never discussed. It's a recipe for disaster. I confronted my mother a few years ago and she confessed to making it all up because she was afraid of my father and not strong enough to leave. So years of being shamed and blamed never had to happen.Being drugged to the point I couldn't function for years never had to happen. And because of the diagnosis I didn't receive help for the abuse. It's a shame really, went from gifted child to zombie. It's really amazing what happens when certain diagnosis codes get into a person's medical history. I still have a difficult time with doctors as they won't update the charts.

In my early 20's I tried to get over my social fears and get out and meet people. I went to a party, not being a party person it was a huge step for me. I ended up being gang raped by what I can recall was about 8 men. I don't even know for sure how I became incapacitated but it happened. I was so ashamed I never got help until a few years ago. I've had abusive relationships. The most abusive one he was physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive. When I finally became brave enough to leave he stalked me, got a huge group of his friends to stalk me. They were everywhere I went. At stop lights, grocery stores, my workplace. Talking about me and following, threatening me. He showed up on my doorstep and would wait outside my apartment. When I went to work he and his friend would drive away quickly just so I would notice. He got his friend to move into the apartment below me so he had an excuse to be there. He tried to blackmail me. Threatened to kill me and my family. He finally stopped stalking me to the best of my knowledge about a year ago. I won't go into much more detail as he has found me online so many times.

Had a lot of bullying being a shy child. Also have had abduction experience I do not feel safe sharing details here.

My husband is thankfully usually a loving and kind man. He has PTSD from combat in Iraq. He is currently active duty. I seem to understand his needs better than he understands mine as he has a hard time being supportive sometimes. When my daughter was born he checked out. Began an affair of sorts with another woman. He had some infidelity issues that were resolved by the time we got married, but ended up in women harassing me for a few years after they found out he got married. So when he started up this behavior with this woman and I asked him to stop and refused, he pretty much abandoned me when I needed him most. He was so used to me being the caretaker of him, I guess he just couldn't handle it. He tried to spin me up and trigger me just to fight. Like he wanted an excuse to cheat. He started going to bed at 6 or 7PM every night, not giving me time to take care of myself or a break from taking care of a new child.The lack of sleep, and neighbors that kept us up all night and harassed and followed me around when I complained about constant parties, and post pregnancy hormone issues just set it all on fire. I had a melt down and completely lost it. Became angry and the flashbacks were back to back. I'd lose hours of time like I blacked out just sitting in the same spot. He refused to help me get help. I begged and pleaded and he said no. I couldn't get time to take a shower, anything. It was like he turned into someone else. I finally got into some help after I told him I wanted a divorce because I needed help and he wouldn't give up his girlfriend that he rubbed in my face everyday obsessively talking about her. He finally realized I he would lose me completely if something didn't give. I got into deep therapy and treatment. Got some long overdue answers. But I wasn't able to complete it and it just opened the floodgates without a stable home environment as my husband wouldn't stop his behavior. Spinning me up. Leaving the front door open to freak me out in the morning. My basic human needs of sleep, and self care were denied. I was on my own but wasn't stable enough to do it without help. I had a healing crisis at the same time. Rashes, joint and tissue swelling, my herniated disc went bonkers, nausea vomiting, couldn't sleep even the hour or two I was able to get normally, headaches, intense physical pain out of no where, everything went numb in my legs, arms, and around my trunk. My legs would give out. It was bizarre. I needed help and stress just kept it building. No time to take care of myself. We move around a lot and not where military family support extends, unfortunately. I finally told him I wanted a divorce if he won't stop it with this woman and help me get medical support. She happened to quit her job so she wasn't easily available anymore and went back to her child's father. Then he went back to his old kind, loving self. It was strange. Our marriage is much better now. The closeness isn't what it used to be. I still have physical issues. Chronic pain, numbness in limbs, and joint issues on top of everything. I had to quit working completely. I have no friends close by and after the rough years they disappeared or out of shame I pushed them away. I don't blame them. I turned into a shattered shell of my former self. Because of the medications I took as a younger person, it seems medications aggravate my condition more than help. So I only take them when absolutely needed. The ones that do work cause problems with passing out or aggravate my Raynauds to the point I can't feel my hands and feet. I use meditation, CBT worksheets, Emotional Freedom Technique and am pretty much home bound right now. I hope as my daughter gets older I can use more exercise to help me as I used to, but my down time is usually late at night or at random short intervals. I hope that when I get stable enough to desensitize to driving again I can begin professional treatment programs here in our new town as we recently moved again. Getting help with driving just doesn't happen as my husband leaves a lot for work and it's not like he can just take time off when he wants to.

Sorry for the long post. There's a lot more but these are the primary issues I have challenges with at the moment. I hope to get to know you all and find a sense of community here. Please forgive me in that I do not feel safe sharing my real name considering some violators have found me online in the past. If there is anything inappropriate in this post, I do apologize. Thank you for reading.

Much Love,
purpleygoodness
 
Hi Purpleygoodness,

Welcome to the forum! :)

I am sorry about all the suffering you have experienced at the hands of people that should have been there to protect and nurture you. As you read many of the stories here, you will find childhood abuse tends to lead a person into unhealthy and abusive relationships as an adult. Also, you will find that as people treat their trauma and get help for their symptoms, they do recover and life can get better.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing. Keep in mind that both you and your daughter deserve the best life that you can have.

Debbie
 
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