Great, something new to stress over! - The tiniest of things are now leaving my stomach in knots.

[JustMeAndMyMind]

So as some of you may have seen, I recently explained some of the reasons for my trauma. I'm still working on the whole not comparing your trauma to anyone else's, but hey, it's a start just posting it here!
Well, last week in the UK was baby loss awareness week (I volunteer for and run our local branch of Sands the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity). Its a busy few weeks on the run up to the week and after, so a low period afterwards is almost expected by many bereaved parents when it's all over. I definitely felt more able to say no to certain things and take time for me this year, so that's really positive for me. Our group now has a choir, and at the last event of the week (the international Wave Of Light) we did our VERY FIRST EVER PERFORMANCE! To over 200 people! God it was nerve wracking, but amazing, and we've had some really positive feedback and recognition, even been asked to perform at another Sands event elsewhere in the country! I almost felt like I zoned out at points of the performance, and nerves/emotions definitely were heightened, but I'm actually proud we did it. Again, super positive!

However, the tiniest of things are now leaving my stomach in knots.
A friend posted "so glad I didn't let that stuff go into my body" in reaction to an article about the Pfizer covid jab, basically saying Pfizer lied about testing it for transmission. I instantly felt sick and like my brain was on over drive. I was panicking I'd made the wrong choice having the vaccine, panicking the jabs may somehow now affect my fertility, it would shorten my life expectancy, you name it, I thought it.
What's so frustrating to me is that I know these are all (whilst valid concerns), not from based in reality, but my own internal fear. I researched the heck out of all the jabs, spoke to fertility specialists (I've been in the world of ivf a long time now), spoke to people I trust, and most importantly, my partner. I know I made a sound, informed choice......oh, and I didn't even have the bloody Pfizer jab! But oh no, ptsd decides this is now a thing for me to fixate on!!!!!!!
I immediately went back into research mode. I looked at tons of articles and research papers that mostly say Pfizer weren't testing on transmissions initially, but the reduction of symptomatic response and fatality to covid 19. Researching it definitely did make me feel calmer, and rationally could see the sites claiming the lies were 1. media outlets using click bait headlines, and 2. anti vaccine organisations. I totally don't judge anyone with the choice they make regarding vaccinations, so hold no particular feeling towards articles being released (except the clickbait crap press, they piss me off) but now I'm finding myself avoiding news outlets.

And just to top it off, our prime minister decided to step down.....again so the whole country is shit show. Honesty I feel exhausted

Thank you for taking the time to listen

 

[Friday]

<grin> If you haven’t read THIS, yet? You’re gonna get a chuckle as you see how a maxed out Stress Cup (Baby Loss Awareness Week) leads very “naturally” into KABOOM!!! When even a tiny thing (friend’s offhand comment) gets a football drop kicked into the stratosphere level of response attached to it.

Ahhhhh, PTSD.

Brick wall, bang head.

On the upside?

I immediately went back into research mode.

3 cheers that you’re a) clever enough that research (into any topic) is a viable coping mechanism for you, & b) outta all the coping mechanisms you might have turned to? You DID choose research.

It’s one of mine, too, so I know there can be seeeerious downsides to it (up for days &/or not eating not sleeping, eyes practically bleeding, life neglected, relationships wounded, minimum standards bar keeps getting raised/perfectionism on overdrive… just the tip of the iceberg… as survival mode attaches itself onto needing to know NOW, feeling as if lives depend on learning everything I can, as fast as I can, the best that I can. <<< So what starts out as a coping mechanism can quickly become an expression of several symptoms.

Yes. I made that (nearly) all one run on sentence on purpose. And it still doesn’t quite impart the life-or-death DRIVE as it doubles up as both desperately needed coping mechanism keeping me sane, as well as one of the colours of my crazy.

Hopefully you don’t get that second bit, but as there are quite a few of us on here (as well as most of the people I know IRL) who use research as a coping mechanism? It’s sorta like those of us who use exercise as a coping mechanism… sometimes? We’re gonna jump off the deep end with it; whether it’s running our feet bloody, or researching until we’re a ragged mess.

C’est la vie. There are worse things out there. PTSD may push even healthy things to the extreme… but Mens Sana In Copore Sano isn’t a terrible baseline to fight for balance in.

 

[JustMeAndMyMind]

<grin> If you haven’t read THIS, yet? You’re gonna get a chuckle as you see how a maxed out Stress Cup (Baby Loss Awareness Week) leads very “naturally” into KABOOM!!! When even a tiny thing (friend’s offhand comment) gets a football drop kicked into the stratosphere level of response attached to it.

Ahhhhh, PTSD.

Brick wall, bang head.

On the upside?


3 cheers that you’re a) clever enough that research (into any topic) is a viable coping mechanism for you, & b) outta all the coping mechanisms you might have turned to? You DID choose research.

It’s one of mine, too, so I know there can be seeeerious downsides to it (up for days &/or not eating not sleeping, eyes practically bleeding, life neglected, relationships wounded, minimum standards bar keeps getting raised/perfectionism on overdrive… just the tip of the iceberg… as survival mode attaches itself onto needing to know NOW, feeling as if lives depend on learning everything I can, as fast as I can, the best that I can. <<< So what starts out as a coping mechanism can quickly become an expression of several symptoms.

Yes. I made that (nearly) all one run on sentence on purpose. And it still doesn’t quite impart the life-or-death DRIVE as it doubles up as both desperately needed coping mechanism keeping me sane, as well as one of the colours of my crazy.

Hopefully you don’t get that second bit, but as there are quite a few of us on here (as well as most of the people I know IRL) who use research as a coping mechanism? It’s sorta like those of us who use exercise as a coping mechanism… sometimes? We’re gonna jump off the deep end with it; whether it’s running our feet bloody, or researching until we’re a ragged mess.

C’est la vie. There are worse things out there. PTSD may push even healthy things to the extreme… but Mens Sana In Copore Sano isn’t a terrible baseline to fight for balance in.

Thank you so much for replying. It all makes sense to me, and your article on the stress cup was really interesting.

I've always been a bit of a self confessed nerd , and proud of it! I'm not particularly clever in all fairness, I always seemed to have to work harder than my peers to gain decent grades, but managed pretty good grades throughout my education and later in life when I retrained into another career. I often regard it as sheer stubbornness rather than natural intelligence .
I also learned fast that I had to be armed with knowledge in order to be our advocate fertility wise in this country! So I guess it's second nature to me now.

I also fully understand the issue with fixation and being at times an unhealthy tool. I often find myself going around in circles and taking an age when doing the volunteering work, not the supporting others part, but definitely the admin/social media work). This past year or so (since ptsd symptoms became apparent to me), I've certainly felt overwhelmed with the workload and felt a lack of balance in my life. For the firat time in my life i found myself purposely avoiding certain things because I couldn't cope, and that is a massively new thing for me. My usual reaction to an issue is to face it, not pretend it's not there, so that's been an interesting learning curve. Thankfully from you guys and my own research, I can see why I have used avoidance at times. Of course the pandemic only added to the need of our support services these past few years, compounding the issue, but again, I now understand why I have reacted in certain ways.
I guess what it boils down to is I'm still learning that whilst I'm starting to understand, it's still bloody frustrating. No amount of research will stop that though eh!

Thank you again, I'm really grateful to have a safe place to learn and vent when needed x