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Sufferer Greetings. emdr bringing up old stuff & destabilizing.

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HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Hi there, all. This is my second time in these forums. I was here years ago and now I'm back because I'm going through EMDR again and it is bringing up some stuff and I feel destabilized. The more places I create self-support the more strength I will have to get through it.

My previous EMDR diagnosis was "adjustment disorder nos" and that is comfortable. I'm scared of something more serious labeling me. I'm a counselor myself and just don't want the weight of a label.

I was raised by a narcissist and coped by dissociating and being a perfectionist and performing and being smart. I had to make her look good. Occasionally I become aware again if how dysfunctional it all is but it never lasts long. I forget, to survive. She is older now, and decided to move near me. Which freaked me the *** out. Even now she talks about how freaked out I was, pushing for affirmation. "Trapped" is a feeling I use to describe myself a lot. I work hard to avoid anyone trapping me. But she has been good.

I also have leverage that I never had before in the form of a new baby that she desperately wants to see. She tries to be on her best behavior because she knows I will take that away if she gets too difficult. When I am weak and needy she is nice to me because she has the power. When I point out her toxic crap she denies it of course.

I have done lots of therapy but I feel that most of it was to help me get into my body enough to do any work. Now I am trying to do work and it is hard. I am used to this functional personality that doesn't really touch on the deeper chaos and now I am asking myself to do that and it is scary.

Thanks for listening. Thankful to be here.
 
Welcome.
Getting to the struggling fragments avoided by the "apparently normal personality" is a good idea when children are part of the picture. They need us to be able to connect at a deeper level that work/society/narcissistic family members don't require. Kids need the real, struggling but here in this body and in this room person that is their mom/dad.
 
Welcome.
Getting to the struggling fragments avoided by the "apparently normal personality" is a good id...
Thanks, Ocin. I agree that my child needs a more integrated expression of myself. Generally I do not want to project my baggage onto a child, but certainly if I am fragmented I want to fix that for his sake, to the best of my ability. I have been trying to become aware of the ways I need to grow up so I can be the best mom possible.
 
Hmmm. Straight up I'd really be taking a hard look at what you wrote here, "... Occasionally I become aware again if how dysfunctional it all is but it never lasts long. I forget, to survive. She is older now, and decided to move near me. Which freaked me the *** out. Even now she talks about how freaked out I was, pushing for affirmation. "Trapped" is a feeling I use to describe myself a lot. I work hard to avoid anyone trapping me. But she has been good.

I also have leverage that I never had before in the form of a new baby that she desperately wants to see. She tries to be on her best behavior because she knows I will take that away if she gets too difficult."

Really? You want to leverage your child? Messed up on various levels and I'd advise against it.
 
Oh thank you. My mother considers herself to be good with children, has training for child development etc. I appreciate what you said. She had some time with the child due to emergencies without other options and now that time is primarily supervised.

She wants access to the child therefore is on her best behavior. I do not want to leverage my child, but I am observing her statements that she wants to cooperate and respect my desires as the parent because she knows spending time with the child is a privilege not a right.

Basically, she behaves better when she isn't in the power position and she isn't, in this context. It is gross, but that is how narcissists work.

I am not allowing my child near her much unsupervised. I correct her little comments like "my baby", her efforts to make plans with me for the child's needs that exclude the husband. I limit our interactions but no contact would make everything worse so I have to do what I can.

Thanks for helping me be mindful about my own child's emotional safety.
 
Hmmm. Straight up I'd really be taking a hard look at what you wrote here, "... Occasionally I be...
Will you tell me more about your statement? My mother is not a safe person, but her false ego is very invested in being a "good grandparent" so she reads to him, provides for his material needs, and TRIES to be emotionally available but of course it is flat and fake. She gets a little possessive and critical towards us as the parents but so far seems to be invested in a false image that coincidentally makes her less dangerous. I am definitely watching closely. But I know I might have blinders myself and would love a fresh perspective.
 
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