HealingMama
MyPTSD Pro
Hi there, all. This is my second time in these forums. I was here years ago and now I'm back because I'm going through EMDR again and it is bringing up some stuff and I feel destabilized. The more places I create self-support the more strength I will have to get through it.
My previous EMDR diagnosis was "adjustment disorder nos" and that is comfortable. I'm scared of something more serious labeling me. I'm a counselor myself and just don't want the weight of a label.
I was raised by a narcissist and coped by dissociating and being a perfectionist and performing and being smart. I had to make her look good. Occasionally I become aware again if how dysfunctional it all is but it never lasts long. I forget, to survive. She is older now, and decided to move near me. Which freaked me the *** out. Even now she talks about how freaked out I was, pushing for affirmation. "Trapped" is a feeling I use to describe myself a lot. I work hard to avoid anyone trapping me. But she has been good.
I also have leverage that I never had before in the form of a new baby that she desperately wants to see. She tries to be on her best behavior because she knows I will take that away if she gets too difficult. When I am weak and needy she is nice to me because she has the power. When I point out her toxic crap she denies it of course.
I have done lots of therapy but I feel that most of it was to help me get into my body enough to do any work. Now I am trying to do work and it is hard. I am used to this functional personality that doesn't really touch on the deeper chaos and now I am asking myself to do that and it is scary.
Thanks for listening. Thankful to be here.
My previous EMDR diagnosis was "adjustment disorder nos" and that is comfortable. I'm scared of something more serious labeling me. I'm a counselor myself and just don't want the weight of a label.
I was raised by a narcissist and coped by dissociating and being a perfectionist and performing and being smart. I had to make her look good. Occasionally I become aware again if how dysfunctional it all is but it never lasts long. I forget, to survive. She is older now, and decided to move near me. Which freaked me the *** out. Even now she talks about how freaked out I was, pushing for affirmation. "Trapped" is a feeling I use to describe myself a lot. I work hard to avoid anyone trapping me. But she has been good.
I also have leverage that I never had before in the form of a new baby that she desperately wants to see. She tries to be on her best behavior because she knows I will take that away if she gets too difficult. When I am weak and needy she is nice to me because she has the power. When I point out her toxic crap she denies it of course.
I have done lots of therapy but I feel that most of it was to help me get into my body enough to do any work. Now I am trying to do work and it is hard. I am used to this functional personality that doesn't really touch on the deeper chaos and now I am asking myself to do that and it is scary.
Thanks for listening. Thankful to be here.