Grief and Depression - Losing a loved one

Smitty237

New Here
Hello all,

It's been awhile. EMDR was really working for me. I was managing. Cue my grandfather being diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I became his caretaker and was with him until the end, planning his funeral and managing the estate alongside my uncle. Anyways, my mother was estranged from him and I found out she had stole my identity. I was forced to report this to the police to not be in immense debt. She was livid said I was a horrible person and that she was going to destroy my marriage. I simply blocked her and cut out the toxic relationship in my life. As my grandfather was like a father to me, due to moving around and childhood trauma we were beyond close. His passing hit me hard.

I went to therapy and I dealt with life. Note almost a year later. Our dog developed a neurological disorder. He became so aggressive and no vet, medication, behavioural vet, behaviourist, or anything brought him relief. He kept getting worse until finally they told us it was time to let him go.

Again therapy and coping and I learned to deal. Yesterday my mother who I had not spoken to since finding out she stole my identity last time she had done this multiple times... Passed away suddenly. All I can think about is what if she died thinking I hated her. I keep imaging the scene and all the things I could have done to make the situation easier to tell her I didn't blame her and I forgave her and I loved her even if she couldn't be part of my life. I had intended to go and tell her this after covid... But now... Well. I feel horrible. I miss her because there was good moments. And for the bad the trauma haunts me. I feel like I should have been there and now I don't know how to go on and how to possibly deal with this. I'm lost and it just hurts. All I can do is sleep and cry and there is a giant absence in my heart as I've lost so many people.

My grandfather was 76, my mother was 56 and I know she is somewhere in this city right now having an autopsy performed and all I can think of is her lifeless and cold and alone....
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
So sorry for your loss, @Smitty237. All of the stuff you're feeling and thinking is completely normal for grief, and it's always worse when your loss is so fresh. Take care of you, allow yourself to feel, and maybe don't try to do too much so soon after your loss. It really does take time for things to settle a bit.
 

Smitty237

New Here
So sorry for your loss, @Smitty237. All of the stuff you're feeling and thinking is completely normal for grief, and it's always worse when your loss is so fresh. Take care of you, allow yourself to feel, and maybe don't try to do too much so soon after your loss. It really does take time for things to settle a bit.
Thank you for the advice. I may just need to ask for extensions on my multitude of assignments.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
@Smitty237 , I'm sorry for your loss.
And I'm so sorry that she was such a complicated person and you didn't have the relationship with her that you wanted or needed. That must add so many complicated feelings to the grief.

Please go easy on yourself.

Please do ask for extensions on your assignments. You are perfectly entitled to do so. You are going through something profound.

As painful as it is: she was responsible for her part in the relationship with you. I hope you are able to see that and not berate yourself for how she was, for the decisions she made. They were out of your control.

In her death, maybe there is a way of making peace with her and your relationship with her. But right now: it's so raw that getting through is the focus.
 

Smitty237

New Here
@Smitty237 , I'm sorry for your loss.
And I'm so sorry that she was such a complicated person and you didn't have the relationship with her that you wanted or needed. That must add so many complicated feelings to the grief.

Please go easy on yourself.

Please do ask for extensions on your assignments. You are perfectly entitled to do so. You are going through something profound.

As painful as it is: she was responsible for her part in the relationship with you. I hope you are able to see that and not berate yourself for how she was, for the decisions she made. They were out of your control.

In her death, maybe there is a way of making peace with her and your relationship with her. But right now: it's so raw that getting through is the focus.
Thank you for the kind words. I suppose that is my struggle not taking responsibility for her decisions. I'm trying to get through one step at a time. My stepfather wants me to go to the funeral home and viewing with him tomorrow and I think I need to do this in order to really believe it.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
when my estranged, sexually abusive father died in 2005, i was working with a spiritual advisor who gently insisted i attend a grief workshop, despite the fact that i was tempted to celebrate. "when a loved one dies," she insisted, "you get to keep the love. when an abuser dies, it is the death of hope. as long as an abuser is alive, there is hope of reconciliation. there is no loss more tragic than the death of hope. grieve the loss." i didn't really understand her very well, but she had yet to steer me wrong, so i proceeded on my faith in her.

fast forward to 2019 and the traffic deaths of my gentle, beloved son (35) and his wife. i still have no words to describe the diffs, but? ? ? methinks i am beginning to understand what she was trying to tell me. maybe. works still in progress.

grief is a very mysterious, multi-dimensional process. it goes where it goes.
 

Smitty237

New Here
when my estranged, sexually abusive father died in 2005, i was working with a spiritual advisor who gently insisted i attend a grief workshop, despite the fact that i was tempted to celebrate. "when a loved one dies," she insisted, "you get to keep the love. when an abuser dies, it is the death of hope. as long as an abuser is alive, there is hope of reconciliation. there is no loss more tragic than the death of hope. grieve the loss." i didn't really understand her very well, but she had yet to steer me wrong, so i proceeded on my faith in her.

fast forward to 2019 and the traffic deaths of my gentle, beloved son (35) and his wife. i still have no words to describe the diffs, but? ? ? methinks i am beginning to understand what she was trying to tell me. maybe. works still in progress.

grief is a very mysterious, multi-dimensional process. it goes where it goes.
I'm sorry for your loss. And I am definitely grieving what could have been and every conversation to make things known and smoothed over even if we could not have a relationship.
 
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