Gripe—Maybe Need Info From Carers

[sunshine35]

I try not to talk to much about my background in my relationship anymore. I have lived with my boyfriend for over three years. He was a positive person since I met him, but he has lately gotten very dark. My background is that I've been dx'd with PTSD for over 10 years. I was sexually, physically, and psychologically abused as a child for a very long time and then assaulted and raped in graduate school. I've been hospitalized, had ECT, been on meds, in CBT and DBT, partial programs, all that and more. And I feel like I'm finally getting my life together.

As I'm getting my life together, his life seems to be falling apart. I am trying to get him in to see a trauma therapist who specializes in EMDR. I cannot remember if he's been formally dx'd with PTSD, but he's been dx'd with about everything else. It's hard to try to push forward and be with someone so negative. He keeps not having faith in me that I can do things when I can. I'm becoming capable. I want to get a job and get off disability and need support. He is depressed and has been sitting around the apartment doing nothing. He doesn't want to go out, and I feel like it's my job to take care of him when I can barely take care of myself.

I sometimes want to run away and scream. I know if I left him, it would be really bad. We are both on disability and it is only through both our money that we can survive. So we are stuck in this financial bind. He has a bad psychiatrist who thinks his only problem is ADD and doesn't listen to him. He had a string of therapists who told him he needed to forget about his past and get over it. And he can never forget. And it's draining.

I guess I'm here to deal with my own stuff but to also try to help him. I love him and he loves me. He would follow me to the end of the earth. But his darkness is really getting to me. He's totally paranoid, and sometimes I think he's delusional. But I feel there's nothing I can do because I can't get a therapist for him. I wish he would come to a place like this on his own (though he's dyslexic and has a learning disability and could follow none of the typing rules!!) UGH!

If anyone has any ideas, I'd appreciate the help.

His background briefly is that he was abused as a child, then was a Marine, then became a Commercial Diver (Oil Rigs) in the Gulf of Mexico. Everything going on now in the GOM is giving him flashbacks and making him crazy. Diving, at the time he did it, was quite possibly the most dangerous job you could have behind test pilot. He injured himself. He injured other people. He saw people being injured and killed. He talks about living in the extremes. And more.

I just want to scream.

 

[TLight]

Don't have much to offer, but just an observation.

Relationships can be really difficult anyway, let alone with both people having a severe mental illness such as this one.

When I was sicker and in denial and not in treatment, I was in a relationship with someone like me. It made everything magnified to the negative.

I guess the best I can say is Good Luck and I'll try not to sound to sarcastic. But reality is reality.

I know the best thing that ever happened to me is to be in a relationship with someone who is functional, working, and can deal with my issues from a healthy standpoint. If he wasn't, I know our relationship would be a sinking ship and possibly make both of us even sicker.

I guess what I'm really saying is, harsh as it sounds, is bail. But that's just my opinion. I don't know either one of you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

This may seem a bit harsh, but that isn't my intention. IF your BF has PTSD, then he needs to take care of himself. You can be supportive, but stop trying to mother him and do things for him. It will only make things worse. YOU need to focus on taking care of YOU.....Harsh, but true!!!

One other thing to think about. People that are depressed/sick don't really see anything positive and may even try to drag you down with them. The don't want to even try to do the work to get better. Change is hard, but accepting that you need to change takes hitting rock bottom for some. I don't think he has hit rock bottom yet..

Good for you, for having the strength to get help, and to get healthier.. I too start DBT next month, right now I am doing some CBT with my T. It's hard work, trying to be positive and build yourself up, when you really don't feel like it, or believe it. I'm glad that you are doing so well. Don't let this relationship drag you back into the pit.....

 

[yaffa]

He's pretty lucky to have you help him through this. Your experiences can benefit him, which can benefit you both. Even though you now know the path to better healing, you still had to hit rock bottom first. It sounds like the same is happening with your boyfriend, and I think it's especially hard on men because of the societal stigma of not being able to take care of the family/bread-winner/ego crap. Just hang in there and maybe take small steps with him. Just ask him to think about his "safe-place" and then describe it to you in detail. Then when he starts getting triggered and spiraling downwards into anxieties, you can gently guide him to go to his safe place. This technique was great for me and I still use it (when I can remember, sometimes I get caught up in current and only remember when I'm "coming out" of my fear). If you are there to be a gentle reminder, that might be effective for helping him realize when the currents start getting strong. The best place is definitely with a qualified trauma therapist, but if he's not able/unwilling to go, hopefully you can be a good anchor for him until he's ready. It sounds like he's scarred from those previous therapist bastards, so it's no surprise he's reluctant to open up again to a therapist now. All I can say is that most people typically get sick of their own stench after awhile and crawl out of the hole on their own. Again, be a solid healthy resource for him with your experiences. It might be therapeutic for you as well to position yourself more as a Guide. Maybe, to lessen the stress, approach it like: "My therapist wants me to try these new techniques, and I want to get your opinion on them to see if you think this type of technique might work, can we set a time this week to spend 15 minutes on it so I can get your thoughts about how effective you think this style might be?" (then set an actual legitimate day/time!) Maybe also ask him: This shouldn't be stressful, but I know you are going through a lot right now, do you want me to remind you the day before, or the day of? Then just leave it as that. Drop it. Switch subjects. Like you said, keeping the mouth shut works great for relationships sometimes! If he approaches you and is interested to learn more that's a significant start!! You might have to build his interest a little bit, ya know, tease him out of the hole a little bit!

Also, is there a gym, library, or place you can go to have your alone-time? Even if you don't need alone time, sometimes it's good to separate for a quick minute every day. I used to take really long hot showers, and then kinda hangout in the bathroom doing a mask or tweezing eyebrows, it was Me time (boyfriend never knew this was my relaxation away from him time, but I knew it. So even if I couldn't get out of the house, or didn't feel like going anywhere, I could still have my time. I never publicized that I needed away time from him, because I think that would have created anxieties. This is definitely a private thing for you and something to set a good boundary for!!)

:0)

 

[Nicolette]

To put it simply...negativity breeds negativity and it is easier for the lowest denominator to pull someone down rather than to lift themselves up.

Your choice is to either be honest with him and expect more from him by refusing to do his stuff and use your energy for you hoping it has a positive effect or leave the relationship if it is unhealthy for you. There will always be short times of unhealthiness or sickness with PTSD but if this is more than that; you have been where he has been and the question you have to ask yourself is are you willing to go back there or move forward?!

Just a thought, since you say you have pulled yourself up.....maybe share what helped or motivated you.

 

[yaffa]

I'm not sure why the general consensus is to walk away from the relationship. I think that would be appropriate if he were abusing you, but from what you've written, the relationship does not sound abusive, it just sounds like the Roles are in a state of flux. Also, their suggestion for shedding the weak doesn't make any sense. In this scenario, how would you have felt if he abandoned you when you needed him the most? One person is always "healthier" than the other and it's this dynamic that allows a team to function as a team--with a flexible support system. Granted, one person can't hog the support because this would be taking advantage of the support system, akin to abusing the support system, and it doesn't sound like that is what is happening in your situation.

It's up to the two of you to decide how flexible your support system is, and figure it out to prevent any support-hogging before it starts or to remedy it easily. Again, another good opportunity for setting boundaries.

 

[Nicolette]

I'm not sure why the general consensus is to walk away from the relationship.

I don't take that as being the general consensus. I think people just put forward what they feel based on their own experiences. I am ina relationship with a PTSD Sufferer (3 and 1/2 years so far) so I'm not the one to say walk away unless I read things which I would myself not tolerate. We all have opinions to share. Again, it is always easier to share advice and opinions from the outside looking and there are always two sides to every story.

To me the general consensus is that to have a relationship with a PTSD Sufferer, like any relationship, it needs to be beneficial to both parties for the greater part of the time and you have to be heading in the same direction (pretty much the same as a non- PTSD relationship)