piratelady
MyPTSD Pro
I struggle to type that word. I really can't say it.
I feel like that is worse than the abuse. I feel like I was changed by it, tainted, and turned into a bad person because of it. That is still with me today. When I learned about it, the stuff they do, I had never even thought about the stuff we did as abuse. How can I be a good person if I didn't see that as abuse?
I know I need to talk about this in therapy, but I can't even say the word. The shame I've associated with it is so strong the thought of even having a conversation with him (Therapist) about it makes me so incredibly anxious. My private journal is full of all of these half finished sentences because once I try to put down what's in my head about it I can't make myself type anymore.
It is driving my actions now. I feel like I need to self-harm because of it. Because those changes he brought about in me are still with me today. I need to read about the things that happened to me, happening to someone else. When he was doing -that- to me, he was kind, gentle. Then the "Abuse" started and he wasn't kind and gentle anymore. That's what I expect in my marriage now. For that switch to happen, but it hasn't. But that's what I deserve, that's what I expect.
I'm not really sure what I hope to gain from making this post. Maybe I hope to get more comfortable having a 'conversation' about it between now and Wednesday. Maybe to feel less alone. I don't really know. Maybe somehow I'll feel less ashamed.
I feel like that is worse than the abuse. I feel like I was changed by it, tainted, and turned into a bad person because of it. That is still with me today. When I learned about it, the stuff they do, I had never even thought about the stuff we did as abuse. How can I be a good person if I didn't see that as abuse?
I know I need to talk about this in therapy, but I can't even say the word. The shame I've associated with it is so strong the thought of even having a conversation with him (Therapist) about it makes me so incredibly anxious. My private journal is full of all of these half finished sentences because once I try to put down what's in my head about it I can't make myself type anymore.
It is driving my actions now. I feel like I need to self-harm because of it. Because those changes he brought about in me are still with me today. I need to read about the things that happened to me, happening to someone else. When he was doing -that- to me, he was kind, gentle. Then the "Abuse" started and he wasn't kind and gentle anymore. That's what I expect in my marriage now. For that switch to happen, but it hasn't. But that's what I deserve, that's what I expect.
I'm not really sure what I hope to gain from making this post. Maybe I hope to get more comfortable having a 'conversation' about it between now and Wednesday. Maybe to feel less alone. I don't really know. Maybe somehow I'll feel less ashamed.