• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Childhood Grooming

Status
Not open for further replies.

piratelady

MyPTSD Pro
I struggle to type that word. I really can't say it.

I feel like that is worse than the abuse. I feel like I was changed by it, tainted, and turned into a bad person because of it. That is still with me today. When I learned about it, the stuff they do, I had never even thought about the stuff we did as abuse. How can I be a good person if I didn't see that as abuse?

I know I need to talk about this in therapy, but I can't even say the word. The shame I've associated with it is so strong the thought of even having a conversation with him (Therapist) about it makes me so incredibly anxious. My private journal is full of all of these half finished sentences because once I try to put down what's in my head about it I can't make myself type anymore.

It is driving my actions now. I feel like I need to self-harm because of it. Because those changes he brought about in me are still with me today. I need to read about the things that happened to me, happening to someone else. When he was doing -that- to me, he was kind, gentle. Then the "Abuse" started and he wasn't kind and gentle anymore. That's what I expect in my marriage now. For that switch to happen, but it hasn't. But that's what I deserve, that's what I expect.

I'm not really sure what I hope to gain from making this post. Maybe I hope to get more comfortable having a 'conversation' about it between now and Wednesday. Maybe to feel less alone. I don't really know. Maybe somehow I'll feel less ashamed.
 
I’ve struggled with this a lot. My abuse was given such a “positive” light within the home that that was what I knew, what I was comfortable with, what I felt like every kind of relationship is and should be.

Hugs.
 
Gentle thoughts to both of you @piratelady and @Annalyn78.

Words assholes put on things don't change what the thing is.
And if they don't label it doesn't change what they do is exactly the crimes they do.

Crimes hurting people ain't hurt people's fault ever.

Imma have more words when my head is swimming less. But care.

And pls pls don't hurt yourself @piratelady. If you can help it. You ain't bad and even if you were, don't deserve hurt coming to you.

Self inflicted or any other.
 
If the word "g******" is too much for you, is there another word that feels less harmful/shameful for you? Maybe try with another word instead? We don't have to use certain words if we don't want to. Still feels and means the same in our heads but allows us to open the door a little and peak around, rather than constantly slamming the door shut only for it to swing back in our faces.

The people who do that *insert new word for it* behaviour are very clever. They know what they are doing and how to do it. Highly skilled sadly. The shame is on them. Not you. Is there a way you can re-direct that shame to where it should be (them not you)? Find compassion for you?

My T says break the silence to break the power of shame. It's so hard to do that though when the shame is so deep it consumes (I still can't talk to her about things I need to, and how confusing it is to have someone be kind and smile whilst they hurt you). But, know that by writing here, by knowing it is something you want to process, these are healthy positive steps to building up to letting it out and letting go of that shame.
 
I just want to say hi and I’m sorry and I had to deal with this. I’m still dealing with it but I did have a catharsis of sorts. It felt just as bad to say it, but I had to. I’m still sort of saying it over and over to the therapist (whose away right now sadly) and I relive it all still, pretty much always.

I remember walking in her office and I knew what had to happen. I’d been through a bunch of therapists by then. She was like “why me”? I’d say because, you’re it. It’s got to come out now. She’s a trauma specialist and she guided me kinda. She listened to me yell at her for a couple years trying to make her hate me and fire me.

It all came out though. She says there is more stuff, but I don’t remember.

So I hope you can do it and I’d even say, though I don’t know your situation? If you can’t, you might have to think about someone you can tell? I know what switching therapists means.

But I know that feeling of wanting/having to tell someone. It’s really really hard so don’t be tough on yourself, you are trying.
 
Thank you all for your replies. I might have more to say tomorrow, but I want to write this out now before I go to bed. Maybe it will get it out of my head so I sleep better.
is there another word that feels less harmful/shameful for you? Maybe try with another word instead?
My Therapist has been swapping it for “manipulation” for quite a while now. I can say that word. It’s just, the more I think about what he did, and the damage it did, even now- “manipulation” doesn’t seem adequate anymore. I mean, we sat together on the couch sometimes when no one else was home and he showed me his porn magazines. We looked through them together like it was a normal activity. How do I not understand that’s wrong? Then, the first time, that was the example of how I should sit. That seems like more than manipulation.
The people who do that *insert new word for it* behaviour are very clever. They know what they are doing and how to do it. Highly skilled sadly. The shame is on them. Not you
Therapist has said this to me too. That I shouldn’t blame myself because there is no way I could have seen it or understood what he was doing. It’s just hard for me to fully accept that. It’s hard to hold on to the understanding I would have had as a child.
Is there a way you can re-direct that shame to where it should be (them not you)? Find compassion for you?
I can’t seem to do that with this. And it’s become like a festering infected wound. I know I need to talk about it to work through it. It’s just a matter of finding the courage to do that I guess.
She says there is more stuff, but I don’t remember.
I saw my therapist several years ago to work through the abuse from my ex husband. When I came back to this site I saw where I mentioned my therapist wondered about my younger years a few times and asked to “poke at it some more” at a later time, but I deemed myself “cured :woot:” before that and quit therapy. Then a few years later all these memories started popping back into my head after my husband and I decided to try to have a baby. I sometimes think some therapists are partially psychic
But I know that feeling of wanting/having to tell someone.
How do you do it? I worry that if I say the word aloud in relation to myself this flood of emotions will come out and break me.
Is telling partner, straight up, "If I ever ask you to hurt me? Don't. Know matter what."
I’ve read this post a couple of times... the thought of telling him this is... it makes me anxious. I don’t know why. I need to think on this some more
 
it makes me anxious.
You mention a lot about waiting for the other shoe to fall - I'm reading that as nervousness about what happens if you be vulnerable with this person...what they do with that, the power that gives them.

The funny thing is, my actual advice went a step further. What I really think you should try is telling your partner not only "don't hurt me, know matter what I tell you...", but personally the really healing thing would to be then go that step further, "if you start picking up vibes from me that I'm suggesting that? Just stop, and hug me tight, and remind me how much you love me." Because that's what I think you deserve, when you're leaning into the painful stuff, and probably what your partner would instinctively do if they understood what was going on for you.

Because that's what you'd do for them.
 
I’ve been struggling with this again. Maybe a year ago, we were working on a grooming part of my trauma in emdr. Before going back into the scene with reinforcements, My therapist started saying, “and can we please put a stop to this grooming shit!” It’s hard to look at a good memory of playing in the creek and feel that age and understand that he’s about to use you in bad ways. My young self’s mind is still happy there, but he was building trust. It’s all so sick and I struggle with being “bad.” No matter how hard I try, I can’t unthink that.

Please just write it down for your T. He will understand.
 
“manipulation” doesn’t seem adequate anymore. I mean, we sat together on the couch sometimes when no one else was home and he showed me his porn magazines. We looked through them together like it was a normal activity. How do I not understand that’s wrong? Then, the first time, that was the example of how I should sit. That seems like more than manipulation.
Your T sounds great. Sounds like they are guiding you through this at your pace. If manipulation now feels like it isn't enough to describe what someone put you through, what I'm hearing from your post is that you are building up to use the other word.
And you're doing what I do! Making child you have an adult's view of the world so that you hold the shame and responsibility of what that person made you do. You didn't have the understanding and the voice and the autonomy then that you do now, so judging yourself on your adult knowledge and projecting that onto little child you is not compassion for little child you (or adult you). I do this. I get it. But child you was doing what they were taught to. To listen to adults. To do what adults say. Any confusion about what is happening is whisked away by the adult smiling and normalising, so the confusion is ours and there is no outlet so we internalised and self blame.
@piratelady , I hear you and I get it.
It feels to me that you are close to a break through with this. Even though it feels so painful. You're tackling it. You're processing. You're on your way.
 
Because that's what I think you deserve, when you're leaning into the painful stuff, and probably what your partner would instinctively do if they understood what was going on for you.

Because that's what you'd do for them.
I don’t think I’m quite there yet with the vulnerability. I still can’t quite believe that’s something I deserve. Maybe that will be easier for me once I process this stuff...
Please just write it down for your T. He will understand.
I think I’ll email him. He knows I struggle with this word and concept. Maybe if I give him my journal and a link to this thread we can start to make some progress. I’ll think about it between now and Wednesday.

@Movingforward10, what you wrote is what my therapist says quite often, we just call is child-brain and adult-brain :). The problem is that if I think of it the way you and he say, that’s where a bunch of my emotions are... the ones that feel overwhelming. I’ll need to find some courage to deal with those. It just makes me want to cry and I really hate crying in therapy. ... or by myself lol.
 
Yeah, I get that too. Same here - I try and stuff those emotions back down rather than bear the humiliation of crying in front of T. Mostly that works but sometimes it doesn't. I still don't trust that the world (me) won't explode if she sees me cry.

I understand the overwhelming feelings. Struggling there myself. It feels an almighty risk and leap of faith to let some entrenched, deep, survival tactics out and let our brains re-evaluate the world. Makes sense it is so hard, as we worked so hard as children to believe this narrative rather than the truth, as the truth wasn't bearable/survivable. So we're challenging our core selves (it feels like to me anyway). And then where does that go? Scary stuff. But.....needed (at a safe pace, in a safe way).

It sounds to me that you have courage.
You're aware of it all and thinking about it all. Do you have some safety plan or agreement with your T about grounding or ending conversations if it is too much?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top