Ground Zero of Trauma

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
We’ve done a lot of “what is the earliest moment you felt this feeling.” I’ll sometimes go back really young in my memories. But when it comes to the Big stuff, it always ends back at age 9. The odd part of this is that I had completely blocked that trauma from my memory. It’s carefully woven with the imagination and creativity of a child. A master of dissociation. We’ve had to tread around it because when you open up that wound directly I can end up in a ptsd symptom overload. And I still don’t know if it even happened! My T was recently out of town and I went through an abandonment spiral after a big trigger. It started flashing back with high school abuse to college rape, but spun back into what happened at 9. I think of it as a ground zero or landing point. Does anyone else experience anything like this?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
You're brave doing this. My T started it with me and didn't work. I would make the age older, and she would remind me of things I told her from younger. We've abandoned the "when was the first time you felt like that" line of questioning.
Like you, it spiked things for me and I am now wholly and utterly resistant to this part of the work! (For now). I want to be a bit regulated for a while and build up more resources before I go down that route again.

So, yes I think my experience is similar? Difference is, you're working through it and I've abandoned ship!
 

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
You're brave doing this. My T started it with me and didn't work. I would make the age older, and she would remind me of things I told her from younger. We've abandoned the "when was the first time you felt like that" line of questioning.
Like you, it spiked things for me and I am now wholly and utterly resistant to this part of the work! (For now). I want to be a bit regulated for a while and build up more resources before I go down that route again.

So, yes I think my experience is similar? Difference is, you're working through it and I've abandoned ship!
I’ve been in therapy for almost 4 years with cptsd so it’s possible that’s why I’m able to do some of that stuff. The youngest stuff isn’t as bad as 9, so it’s like 9 is the base of my Big T’s.
 

Friday

Moderator
but spun back into what happened at 9. I think of it as a ground zero or landing point. Does anyone else experience anything like this?
Very much so.

I seem to have hardwired during 17-23. Everything that followed? Just seems to have added some color/dimension to a structure that was already set. Or the center of a spiderweb. No matter which sting is pulled, that piece reacts. It’s always a component. I don’t “react like a __________” (rape victim, battered spouse, accident survivor, kidnap victim, whatever). Or so I have been told. But what I have lived, is that anything that comes up later? Brings back familiar ghosts & patterns.
 

Waterbear

Learning
I am slightly different in that, whilst my Ground Zero is 8, I think, the part that owns this is the Teenage Part. I didn't understand when I was 8. I didn't get it. The feelings come in later, when I did realise. When I started to see what had happened. I just wanted to say I totally totally relate to the whole "did it even happen" thing. Maybe it is different because I know it did, but yet I still question intently whether it did or not. Denial? But when it hits it REALLY hits! And then I know.

Not sure how helpful that is? I do relate to the whole "everything comes back to that one event" thing. Maybe it's the bit that is shouting for the attention because it is the bit that we need to really work on? I hope you can find some healing for that part of you.
 

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
@Waterbear I’m pretty sure that is why my T keeps strongly encouraging the work on “9” despite all of the other older flashes I have been experiencing lately. There is definitely a denial present. The memories that are there would still qualify as a big T. The part that I don’t know is if there was a man or 2 involved. The solid memories (surrounded by blank) involve me and a friend. There is also a house that brings up extreme horror when I see the pictures, yet that is the house that is supposedly next door to where my friend lived. My T tells me that I don’t have to know all of these answers to heal from this, but part of me feels like I need to or I will never heal.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
My T tells me that I don’t have to know all of these answers to heal from this, but part of me feels like I need to or I will never heal.
I have a memory where , what I felt was a crucial part of the memory, was missing. (how a rape started). And that without that piece of information, I would not believe it happened and would not be able to process it. My T said what yours said, and it made no sense to me because *I need to remember*. But with her gentle exploring what that meant for me, and some digesting and accepting that I may never remember (not sure I actually want to anyways!), I (think!/hope!) I have accepted that it happened and made some peace with it. What helped was reminding me of what I did remember. The immediate aftermath and various things after. That helped validate it for me.
Don't know if that helps or not, but I understand your thoughts on this. What is it about wanting/needing to remember that you think holds the key to healing?
 

Waterbear

Learning
@Waterbear I’m pretty sure that is why my T keeps strongly encouraging the work on “9” despite all of the other older flashes I have been experiencing lately. There is definitely a denial present. The memories that are there would still qualify as a big T. The part that I don’t know is if there was a man or 2 involved. The solid memories (surrounded by blank) involve me and a friend. There is also a house that brings up extreme horror when I see the pictures, yet that is the house that is supposedly next door to where my friend lived. My T tells me that I don’t have to know all of these answers to heal from this, but part of me feels like I need to or I will never heal.
Yes!!! I'm right with you. T saying we don't need to have the answers to heal and me feeling like "oh but I do!" I'm hoping she is right and I am wrong because I'm not sure I'll ever remember. Anyway, enough about me.... I kind of want to say good luck! Not sure if that's appropriate though...
 

Freddyt

Confident
Some stuff you and I will probably never recall. Sometimes it takes time. My worst recalled memories were unlocked from a memory two words and as we worked bit by bit to desensitize the really painful parts. Because of the situation and the fact I was sedated a lot of the time and my eyes were covered when those events happened I am beginning to accept that I may not recall all of it.
My ghosts are real in that way. Shadows, no sense of time, no visual memory and no real sense of where I really was - no escape. The worst seems to be the fact they were so worried about the physical me that no one thought about the real harm being done in my head.
 
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