Does anyone else feel like this? I have depressed on and off my whole life, causing other people I love so much pain, and now my husband of 20 years, who has been through the most of my depression, is almost at the end of his rope. I feel SO much guilt about causing all that pain, that I just want to run away and not hurt anybody anymore. He cries and cries in marriage counseling that he loves me and wants me back the way I used to be and that he still loves me. There are no guarantees though, so I feel very conflicted. Do I stay, get on lexapro (which my therapist says is essential if I really want to work on the marriage since I'm obviously depressed as well as super anxious), and hope that this is the medication that will do it for me? I've been on so many anti-depressants: celexa, wellbutrin, zoloft, effexor; none of them worked all the way. They took the edge off my depression but never took care of the whole thing. Feeling so much guilt is really horribly painful. Watching another person get hurt over and over again is really horribly painful. But he wants it to work out. I'm not sure I want it to work out...I might hurt him again, and it's probable that I'll hurt him again. I don't know if I can handle hurting him over and over again until we die. I really hate all of this. I feel like a freak and that everything is my fault. I hate my ptsd and depression and all the trouble I've caused. I hate being the sick one in the family and I really, really hate pity. I feel like I will never ever be free of this state of mind I can't seem to crawl out of. I don't have the strength to act normally much longer and I feel like I'm ruining my life and it won't be repairable. Every single day is a huge, huge struggle to function.