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Guilt Is Making Me Push Everyone Away

Discussion in 'General' started by moki, Apr 4, 2007.

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  1. moki

    moki Guest

    Does anyone else feel like this?

    I have depressed on and off my whole life, causing other people I love so much pain, and now my husband of 20 years, who has been through the most of my depression, is almost at the end of his rope.

    I feel SO much guilt about causing all that pain, that I just want to run away and not hurt anybody anymore. He cries and cries in marriage counseling that he loves me and wants me back the way I used to be and that he still loves me. There are no guarantees though, so I feel very conflicted.

    Do I stay, get on lexapro (which my therapist says is essential if I really want to work on the marriage since I'm obviously depressed as well as super anxious), and hope that this is the medication that will do it for me?

    I've been on so many anti-depressants: celexa, wellbutrin, zoloft, effexor; none of them worked all the way. They took the edge off my depression but never took care of the whole thing.

    Feeling so much guilt is really horribly painful. Watching another person get hurt over and over again is really horribly painful. But he wants it to work out. I'm not sure I want it to work out...I might hurt him again, and it's probable that I'll hurt him again. I don't know if I can handle hurting him over and over again until we die.

    I really hate all of this. I feel like a freak and that everything is my fault. I hate my ptsd and depression and all the trouble I've caused. I hate being the sick one in the family and I really, really hate pity.

    I feel like I will never ever be free of this state of mind I can't seem to crawl out of. I don't have the strength to act normally much longer and I feel like I'm ruining my life and it won't be repairable.

    Every single day is a huge, huge struggle to function.
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  3. pandora

    pandora I'm a VIP

    Hi I feel exactly the same way, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I feel like there are pity days and we all need them but try to take one day at a time.
    I hope to re-establish relationships but trust issues consume me and I am afraid of not being understood again. i say "I feel like a freak" all of the time or at least used to say that, telling yourself that makes it worse. i try to stop those negative words but sometimes some days are harder than others.. i wish you well.
    Take Care
  4. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

    feeling pain

    I also feel your pain, I think medication is alright though, i have to admit that I was totally against it at first. Lexapro didn't work great for me but I have been on Paxil for 8 months now and it really has helped all of my relationships. I don't go as deep into my pit of dispair and I don't have the flashbacks and frightening moments anymore. I can finally sleep which makes a HUGE difference. It takes awhile to work so don't give up.

    Marriages are hard enough with having PTSD as well, trusting others is so hard. I think we all have to fight it everyday, flight to keep above the symptoms that is all I think about, not letting it take me and my family down.
  5. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Moki, why the title "Guilt is making me push everyone away"? Are you trying to shift blame from yourself? Its not guilt that is making you do anything, its you that is doing an act. Guilt is a consequence of reason that we feel from an act/s, it doesn't make us actually do anything, we choose whether we do something or not because we feel guilty, but the individual makes the choice, not guilt.
  6. moki

    moki Guest

    Anthony, you're right.

    Anthony, you're right. I actually don't feel this way anymore and yes, it's not the guilt, but it is me that is doing the pushing away. That post was made on April 4, and here it is only April 18th. Only two weeks have gone by and I feel like I have travelled light years in that time. I have become much more responsible for my actions and have started to make inroads to allowing other people 'in' and also have made efforts to connect with other people (mostly at work, but with my husband somewhat too).

    It's a post oozing with self-pity, but I guess everybody's there at some point. I feel so much more empowered than I have in a long time and know that is due to tackling things head on.
  7. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Nice... well done moki and congratulations. So much more can be achieved the moment we finally step outside our own boundaries, our own denial, our own hinderance, and into a more open ground in which we accept ourselves more readily to then work upon. Well done.
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