Guilt

L

Lara Eudru

Guilt has weighed on me, very heavily, I was assaulted when I was very young. It pisses me off more than anything. The guilt I feel is not stopping it from happening to my younger siblings who suffered more severe assault and rape, while I only was assaulted, which adds to the guilt as well. I was the oldest, I feel I should have done something. I keep piecing together the moments, keep pulling together the multitude of incidents that occured and the more I dive into the stuffed down memories the more I discover more situations of the same, and even some of it occuring in right front of me. I don't need advice or anything I fully realize at the age this occurred I could have done very little to prevent this, doesn't make me feel any less guilty. The guilt is tearing into my personal relationships, I don't want to burden them with my problems but it effects things. The guilt keeps getting heavier my two younger siblings one cannot find her place in this world and do amytbing that is really worth while and is exhibiting all the signs of creating the very same situations that led to what happened to us. The other, pardon my language, is an asshole who blames the youngest of us for what happened. Ive wished a million times over none of this would have happened to them, that it would have been just me. Ive avoided this guilt for decades, just shaking off the feelings and stuffing it down. I have a hard time not thinking about it. I know the military gets a very bad rap about assault issues and stuff, but because of my service I was able to talk to someone about this exact thing and that person let me know that what happened to me and my siblings was out of my hands. Time overseas helped me do good in the world and distracted me from my own issues, that time has winded down and left me more time to think more and more. On to part two of guilt, my mother committed suicide and the night before let me play around with the handgun she committed suicide with, again too young to recognize the signs and symptoms, still the guilt and fear that I will end up like her, or that my siblings will end up like her as well, one is well on track. Moving on to the third strongest guilt I feel, overseas I had some combat related incidents that were very bad, one incident is the only thing of that time I cannot get over, this little girl who had nothing to do with anything other than just trying to live die in front of me, we couldnt get the person who killed her and it leaves me a hole in my soul. I know my life has been horrendous, I have done as much good as I can in this world and I have experienced joy and given my family the protection and love needed to never have to experience what I have been through, stuff is just catching up to me and I am finding it increasingly harder to smile, guess the only peace I have is knowing the cycle of violence ends with me. No single thought of harming myself, just to clarify, I would never do that to my family. I just know because of the life Ive built Ive given my children the best shot of avoiding anything I went through.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi Lara Eudru, what's your support network like? Friends or others that may understand? Do you have a counsellor/therapist? If you've done the best you can for your kids then you should be proud of yourself. I'm sorry for the abuse you and your siblings have gone through that must have been terrible. Thankyou for your military service. If someone asked you what could you use help with?, What would you say? All the best to you. S3 😊
 
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L

Lara Eudru

I don't see a therapist or counselor, my spouse is extremely keen on trauma. I had just recently let the cat out of the bag about things, years and years of stuffing everything down. If I had to ask for help with one thing, probably would be just to help me let go. It bothers me I couldn't help, and just don't know how to let the guilt subside, and the outlet I know to loosen my lips and talk is to drink, simultaneously, there is this brief moment of actual peace I have after one drink, after that I tend to be able to talk a bit more.
 
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