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Had a Bad Night - Need to Break the Trauma Chain

Discussion in 'Sleep & Nightmares' started by Shadow, Apr 30, 2006.

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  1. Shadow

    Shadow Member

    There are two days left until my baby goes in for her second doctor's appointment. It burns at me because it's up to her to decide if it's traumatizing or not.
    I don't want to share this with her. I don't know how else to help. I've made sure she didn't get the same doctor who broke me and tried to pick one with feeling, but what else is there except to watch for sings of trauma?

    To cool her down I put a wipe on her chest and it looked so much like one of those aweful sheets they put over you when thry tear you up and I almost cried. I was reminded of this episode of "Trauma: Life in the E.R" my mother and I would watch when I was 6-11 where they took this 6yr old's heart out and put it in a freezer bag.

    I wanted to curl around her and shout at them "you can't have her! She is my daughter! I won't let you sully her!"

    I don't ever want her to feel as dirty as they make me feel. I don't even know if she should know they scare me. When I was little my mom was godlike. If anything could beat her up or scared her, it was something you avoided at all costs.

    I also opened a new baby blanket someone just gave me and smelled it to see if it was safe. It smelled so much like a hospital blanket that I just droped it and backed away.

    I know why they do it and it's good and logical, so why did it hurt me so much?
    I know that sanitation is great, but what is it telling a child when every time they touch you, they wash their hands? I'll tell you, it screams YOU ARE DIRTY!
    I know it is polite to touch you with out any emotion because it's their way of politly trying not to invade your personal space while they "examine" you, but a child doesn't think the same. To touch a child like that is dehuminizing!
    And I also know that no child will take part in the treatment, but to talk over thier heads says "you are not here. Objects do not think." Help them to understand or something. Small talk for **** sake!

    I'm so scared, so afraid for my tiny girl, but I'm am totally powerless. I guess I could try to go in with her and communicate my fears to her doctor, but I think it would just end up in me screaming at MY doctor through him and rocking on the floor.

    I would love to talk to someone about this who has has schooling, but it rubbs off on one of my best friends on really bad days because HIS MOTHER WORKS AS A SECRATARY at a hospital. One who's been through (medical)school is much more tainted than my good friend.

    I remember dreaming of rape when I was real little. I wanted so much to be violated with PASSION, to know that there was a reason. I wanted to feel that same sense of helplessness but be needed.

    I shared this once to a nurse, well I screamed at her that she was a monster and stuff like that and she told me I wasn't afraid of doctors, just the bad news they may bring. It made me physically sick.

    I know I need help, but I don't know how. I hate. I try to never, never use that word, but I do. I hate Them and I know I need to stop hating them, but I don't think They can convince me of that.

    I'm so scared for my daughter.
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  3. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    Ok, not real sure what you're saying there Shadow. Are you saying "its up to the Doctor" whether its traumatizing or not; OR "up to your daughter" whether its traumatizing or not?

    Ok, I think what your saying here is, you don't want to share your trauma with your lovely new little girl, so in essence of this fear of your shareing your trauma with your daughter, you are trying to get a doctor that won't make her feel like they made you feel. Is that about right?

    But what your saying here, is that these are your feelings, your trauma, and what has traumatized you, may not neccessarily traumatize your daughter, however; you are in actual fact helping that trauma process along by protecting her from your own fears.

    Recent studies have proven that children within families of high stress or PTSD, often are at higher risk of developing the same mental illness, because the parents often inflict their traumatic events to the children through protecting them and raising them based upon their own fears.

    This is something that I myself am ever cognisant off in the raising of my own children, to ensure what has inflicted me personally with trauma, and my fears, will not be rubbed to my children. This can be done by:
    1. Me not denying my children to attend such significant events as Anzac day, because of my trauma. They simply attend with my wife or another person.
    2. Me not denying my children the right to join the Defence Force when off age, whether part-time or full-time, because of me obtaining PTSD as a consequence of operational and war-time service. Sure, I won't be promoting it to them, and will give them better education and more opportunities than I had, but still the decision is their's at the end of the day, and its not my right to deflect everything military from their upbringing.
    The same can be applied in your instance with your trauma of doctors, in that:
    1. Do not allow your fears to be your childrens fears.
    2. Have your husband take your daughter to the doctors, and not you, as you have a two-fold effect, in that your going to possibly panic and allow your daughter to witness this everytime you take her near a doctor, thus she will determine this to be her reaction as default because of your trauma.
    3. Have her grand-parents take her to the doctors if needed, so your husband can support you whilst she is their, and your daughter still benefits by not gaining your traumatic event by default.
    I think you see the point. I look at it like this; if I where to make my trauma and fears my childrens by default, then that would be extremely selfish of myself towards my children. Hard, but true.

    As above... you can't allow your trauma to become your childrens.

    Have a look at the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread171.html"]unhelpful thinking styles[/DLMURL] I posted the other day, and I am sure you are going to associate some of these with yourself, as I can just from your writing here. Overgeneralisation is the first that comes to mind. You are viewing your events as ongoing patterns. I can go to the doctor and not feel the way you do. What that means, is that what is traumatic for you, is not for me, hence why would it be for your daughter!

    I know the same as you about being protective of your children, as I primarily raise mine, not Kerrie-Ann, but I MUST NOT allow my fears to become my childrens from my doing.

    You just answered all your problems in that one statement, acknowledging you understand "why they do it and its good and logical". What you don't understand obviously, is why it hurt you so much! See the difference in both the beginning and end of your own statement?
    • You know they do things for a reason
    • You don't know why those things hurt you so much
    What is fictional within your thoughts, to reality? Reality is, a very small percentage of doctors are unethical and abuse a patient. That is reality. What is fictional is the thoughts within you that outlines ALL doctors as unethical, dirty and non-careing. It is part of PTSD to confuse the two, hell, I have had to sit myself down so many times and thing through fictional to non-fictional life.

    These are your thoughts only, they are not reality. Reality is, is that doctors touch people with diseases and those who are sick all day, thus they cannot risk infecting one patient to another. If they were not hygenic about their business, then we would have valid reason not to visit, as you would risk possible contracting another illness on top off whatever you where seeing a doctor for.

    You and I don't deal with sick people all day, thus we don't need to wash ourselves everytime we touch someone. Doing so would actually be considered a phobia.

    You just answered your previous statement with a realistic thought. As for children, why don't they think the same way? Is it because if your fear, or actually the childs fear? I will get to the root of this in a minute.

    I think you need to talk to a professional shadow. Professionals in these areas have the theoretical knowledge of past experience, trials and testing. This type of knowledge trained professionals have is invaluable during initial stages when trauma rears its ugly head. I think you are working out, this isn't going to go away, and you need to deal with it head on. Dealing with trauma one at a time is the ONLY way you can learn to come to terms with it, and acknowledge how to manage it.

    These thoughts aren't normal. These thoughts outline underlying problems that need to be surfaced and tackled. At a guess, no woman would really want to be raped, as I have heard from people here that have been, and I can feel their suffering through their words on this forum. War is one thing, but such a personal violation of ones personal space is another. Personal space is violated daily, but managable, though something like rape, I imagine would never leave a woman, hence why they end up with PTSD as a result. These thoughts need professional counselling, specific advice to your trauma, and needs to be managed personally one-on-one, face to face.

    Its not the doctors that need to convince you Shadow, its you that needs to convince you. In actual fact, its not even about convincing yourself, as that is a forceful act, generally against one self. What you need to do is actually verify each issue with what is reality. You brain and past is telling you you hate doctors, as they have offended you in a way that is personal to you. Doctors (plural) have not actually caused your trauma.

    You may have suffered something you deam as traumatic by one (1) doctor, which has then led to believing ALL doctors are at fault. It could have been two (2), and simply unlucky odds.

    The facts are, in these circumstances, generally another issue is contained within your family or upbringing to give you such traumatic memories. Questions could be:
    1. Does a parent have a fear of doctors?
    2. Does someone who helped raise you have a fear of doctors? (Aunt, Uncle, Grandparent?)
    3. Does an older brother or sister have a fear of doctors?
    4. Is there a fear or phobia within your family of being clean?
    5. Is there a fear or phobia within your family of medical institutions?
    6. Did someone in your family have a severe accident (life threatning) when your were a child, and hospitalised?
    7. Is there a core root within your family for other disorders or stress related illnesses?
    There are a myriad of questions you could ask yourself to pinpoint the exact problem, and where it all began. Often when trauma exists from early childhood, there is a family issue / reason for it. Whilst you as a child may be scared of your first visit (that you can recall) to a doctor, parents or carers should be reassuring you that doctors are nice people, and are looking after our best interest and health 99% of the time. If you didn't have this type of reassurance, then why?

    Can you pinpoint the exact time or event or surroundings that traumatized you from doctors, including any family input that you may not be aware off?
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2015
  4. Shadow

    Shadow Member

    Firstly, I want you to know I'm trying to look for help.

    As I was playing with my girl this morning I cried. It was as though I was sending her off to doom, but then I realized that she isn't afraid. I'm making it be enough for me, at least to get me through today.

    My husband, my roomates and I are the only ones who know about my fear. I feel like I can't tell any other family because they will try to push "antifear" on me and trigger me. I remember my grandmother taking me in this ambulance they had set up for children to tour I guess when I was small and I came out visibly shaken. She asked if it scared me and I nodded nearly teary eyed and she said "don't be afraid because that is one of the safest places you can be if your sick."
    I feel like if I tell my mother or grandmother they will randomly bring it up: "you know Brezy, they are only trying to help."
    "Yes I know they're trying to help I KNOW THIS SHUT UP AND LET ME HIDE IN THE CLOSET NOW!"

    I always liked the closet. It was dark. It's never dark when your sick so they can check on you when your asleep without bothering you. They have night lights, flashlights, little lights on their thermometers and those twisty lights which will gradually get brighter the more you twist the knob and those huge flood lights which they use to guide themselves when the need to look really, really hard. Shadows are safe. They won't touch you if they can't see you. They always try to convince you out of the closet, but if that doesn't work they just send in the doctor you've been seeing to pull you out so they can hold you down and put a needle back in your chest with a teather so you can't hide anymore. As they do this they say things like "Sweetie, its for your own good," "we have Hon, to make you better," "if we don't you could get sicker or even die." "I'D RATER DIE!" "Oh baby, you don't mean that, you don't even know what that means." Don't. Yes I do. Movergrandma, Aunt Joice, Lk. I know, you bastards and I know how you hurt each one before they did.

    No one else fears them. They all think the're peachy. Maybe my Papa would understand. He is the only non-judgemental one.
    My Movergrandma (great-grandmother) had cancer when I was small and was always in the hospital. She died at my grandparent's house in a hospital bed they put there.
    My cousin got really bad pnemonia and almost died, spent a few months in the hospital, and so did I when I was two.

    If I remember right, it was two doctors and a dentist which personally traumatized me.
    I know that's a small amount and have had good ER expierences. Odd isn't it my best experiences where when I was more damaged physically. I'd be terrified to go see about a cold, OK about a sprained ankle. When you know what it is it's easier, they don't say "We need to get you into the hospital right now that is so and so and we need to do blank right away."

    My great aunt (Papa's sister) has Bipolar and manac depressive diseases and she was raped when she was a kid by her grandfather, but I don't know if it's because of that.
  5. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    What made you believe you where traumatized by these two doctors and dentist?
  6. Shadow

    Shadow Member

    Sorry about the gap we were trying to fix the computer.

    The first doctor's name is a trigger, seeing him live makes me want to hide. Plus, I hate him.
    The second cared for me when I was hospitalized when I was two. I don't remember much of that, what I do was very unpleasent and I'm told storries of pulling out my I.V and trying to escape.
    The dentist and the first doctor are flashback fodder.
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