There are two days left until my baby goes in for her second doctor's appointment. It burns at me because it's up to her to decide if it's traumatizing or not.
I don't want to share this with her. I don't know how else to help. I've made sure she didn't get the same doctor who broke me and tried to pick one with feeling, but what else is there except to watch for sings of trauma?
To cool her down I put a wipe on her chest and it looked so much like one of those aweful sheets they put over you when thry tear you up and I almost cried. I was reminded of this episode of "Trauma: Life in the E.R" my mother and I would watch when I was 6-11 where they took this 6yr old's heart out and put it in a freezer bag.
I wanted to curl around her and shout at them "you can't have her! She is my daughter! I won't let you sully her!"
I don't ever want her to feel as dirty as they make me feel. I don't even know if she should know they scare me. When I was little my mom was godlike. If anything could beat her up or scared her, it was something you avoided at all costs.
I also opened a new baby blanket someone just gave me and smelled it to see if it was safe. It smelled so much like a hospital blanket that I just droped it and backed away.
I know why they do it and it's good and logical, so why did it hurt me so much?
I know that sanitation is great, but what is it telling a child when every time they touch you, they wash their hands? I'll tell you, it screams YOU ARE DIRTY!
I know it is polite to touch you with out any emotion because it's their way of politly trying not to invade your personal space while they "examine" you, but a child doesn't think the same. To touch a child like that is dehuminizing!
And I also know that no child will take part in the treatment, but to talk over thier heads says "you are not here. Objects do not think." Help them to understand or something. Small talk for **** sake!
I'm so scared, so afraid for my tiny girl, but I'm am totally powerless. I guess I could try to go in with her and communicate my fears to her doctor, but I think it would just end up in me screaming at MY doctor through him and rocking on the floor.
I would love to talk to someone about this who has has schooling, but it rubbs off on one of my best friends on really bad days because HIS MOTHER WORKS AS A SECRATARY at a hospital. One who's been through (medical)school is much more tainted than my good friend.
I remember dreaming of rape when I was real little. I wanted so much to be violated with PASSION, to know that there was a reason. I wanted to feel that same sense of helplessness but be needed.
I shared this once to a nurse, well I screamed at her that she was a monster and stuff like that and she told me I wasn't afraid of doctors, just the bad news they may bring. It made me physically sick.
I know I need help, but I don't know how. I hate. I try to never, never use that word, but I do. I hate Them and I know I need to stop hating them, but I don't think They can convince me of that.
I'm so scared for my daughter.
I don't want to share this with her. I don't know how else to help. I've made sure she didn't get the same doctor who broke me and tried to pick one with feeling, but what else is there except to watch for sings of trauma?
To cool her down I put a wipe on her chest and it looked so much like one of those aweful sheets they put over you when thry tear you up and I almost cried. I was reminded of this episode of "Trauma: Life in the E.R" my mother and I would watch when I was 6-11 where they took this 6yr old's heart out and put it in a freezer bag.
I wanted to curl around her and shout at them "you can't have her! She is my daughter! I won't let you sully her!"
I don't ever want her to feel as dirty as they make me feel. I don't even know if she should know they scare me. When I was little my mom was godlike. If anything could beat her up or scared her, it was something you avoided at all costs.
I also opened a new baby blanket someone just gave me and smelled it to see if it was safe. It smelled so much like a hospital blanket that I just droped it and backed away.
I know why they do it and it's good and logical, so why did it hurt me so much?
I know that sanitation is great, but what is it telling a child when every time they touch you, they wash their hands? I'll tell you, it screams YOU ARE DIRTY!
I know it is polite to touch you with out any emotion because it's their way of politly trying not to invade your personal space while they "examine" you, but a child doesn't think the same. To touch a child like that is dehuminizing!
And I also know that no child will take part in the treatment, but to talk over thier heads says "you are not here. Objects do not think." Help them to understand or something. Small talk for **** sake!
I'm so scared, so afraid for my tiny girl, but I'm am totally powerless. I guess I could try to go in with her and communicate my fears to her doctor, but I think it would just end up in me screaming at MY doctor through him and rocking on the floor.
I would love to talk to someone about this who has has schooling, but it rubbs off on one of my best friends on really bad days because HIS MOTHER WORKS AS A SECRATARY at a hospital. One who's been through (medical)school is much more tainted than my good friend.
I remember dreaming of rape when I was real little. I wanted so much to be violated with PASSION, to know that there was a reason. I wanted to feel that same sense of helplessness but be needed.
I shared this once to a nurse, well I screamed at her that she was a monster and stuff like that and she told me I wasn't afraid of doctors, just the bad news they may bring. It made me physically sick.
I know I need help, but I don't know how. I hate. I try to never, never use that word, but I do. I hate Them and I know I need to stop hating them, but I don't think They can convince me of that.
I'm so scared for my daughter.