Yumeko-chan
Confident
So we have this annual review at work. Nothing too special. Yesterday was mine. My boss told me I'm doing good, I'm one of the most reliable people she has...but that I lack initiative. In fact, if I were to apply for assistant manager (again...), she would not back me up.
Now, she tried to put it gently so that there wouldn't be any hard feelings whenever I show up for work now, and she said as much, and I appreciate that. But then she started asking how things are going in my personal life, and I kinda...broke down. I admitted that I like to think I would make a good assistant manager, but I also admitted that because of the trauma from the last ten years, I have absolutely NO self-esteem, and that if a customer were to become confrontational with me I would probably break down (as has happened several times in the past). I said that I've been down for so long, I don't even know what it feels like to be "up" again.
I'm 25. The shooting, my dad getting sick, everything started when I was 15, so I've been dealing with PTSD almost half my life. So my statement is not really an exaggeration of anything. I really don't think I know anymore.
I admitted things have not been going well since it's '09, and she did make sure to ask about my ulcer -- I told her it's fine but if I continue feeling stressed out like this I may end up with another one. She asked about hobbies and stuff (read: stress relief stuff), and if I could possibly go back to school -- I can't even if I wanted to: I'd have to go down to part-time, and then I wouldn't be able to pay my bills, plus I'd lose my insurance, and because of my general nature I get sick a lot, so I need that.
I just...I hate this. I really really do.
Now, she tried to put it gently so that there wouldn't be any hard feelings whenever I show up for work now, and she said as much, and I appreciate that. But then she started asking how things are going in my personal life, and I kinda...broke down. I admitted that I like to think I would make a good assistant manager, but I also admitted that because of the trauma from the last ten years, I have absolutely NO self-esteem, and that if a customer were to become confrontational with me I would probably break down (as has happened several times in the past). I said that I've been down for so long, I don't even know what it feels like to be "up" again.
I'm 25. The shooting, my dad getting sick, everything started when I was 15, so I've been dealing with PTSD almost half my life. So my statement is not really an exaggeration of anything. I really don't think I know anymore.
I admitted things have not been going well since it's '09, and she did make sure to ask about my ulcer -- I told her it's fine but if I continue feeling stressed out like this I may end up with another one. She asked about hobbies and stuff (read: stress relief stuff), and if I could possibly go back to school -- I can't even if I wanted to: I'd have to go down to part-time, and then I wouldn't be able to pay my bills, plus I'd lose my insurance, and because of my general nature I get sick a lot, so I need that.
I just...I hate this. I really really do.