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Had A Performance Review At Work

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Yumeko-chan

Confident
So we have this annual review at work. Nothing too special. Yesterday was mine. My boss told me I'm doing good, I'm one of the most reliable people she has...but that I lack initiative. In fact, if I were to apply for assistant manager (again...), she would not back me up.

Now, she tried to put it gently so that there wouldn't be any hard feelings whenever I show up for work now, and she said as much, and I appreciate that. But then she started asking how things are going in my personal life, and I kinda...broke down. I admitted that I like to think I would make a good assistant manager, but I also admitted that because of the trauma from the last ten years, I have absolutely NO self-esteem, and that if a customer were to become confrontational with me I would probably break down (as has happened several times in the past). I said that I've been down for so long, I don't even know what it feels like to be "up" again.

I'm 25. The shooting, my dad getting sick, everything started when I was 15, so I've been dealing with PTSD almost half my life. So my statement is not really an exaggeration of anything. I really don't think I know anymore.

I admitted things have not been going well since it's '09, and she did make sure to ask about my ulcer -- I told her it's fine but if I continue feeling stressed out like this I may end up with another one. She asked about hobbies and stuff (read: stress relief stuff), and if I could possibly go back to school -- I can't even if I wanted to: I'd have to go down to part-time, and then I wouldn't be able to pay my bills, plus I'd lose my insurance, and because of my general nature I get sick a lot, so I need that.

I just...I hate this. I really really do.
 
Yumeko...
The only thing I can say is that you need to give yourself a ton of credit for what you are already accomplishing.

You are incredable just the way you are. You don't need to do anything more. The fact that you are even able to work is amazing to someone like me......You are amazing.
 
She told me I tend to be hard on myself, which surprised me. I didn't think I was making it that obvious. Which of course leaves the question, how do I NOT be hard on myself? I think I've always been my worst critic =P
 
It's good that she's in your camp! Wow. I've never had the guts to tell employers what my life was really like--I've always covered up. Hopefully something comes up soon to help.
 
We ALL are, our worst enemy, and it takes a ton of work to stop being so critical of ourselves. You have to want to change, and then practice it everyday. Self affirmations, positive self talk, and truly trying to find the good things about yourself, and accepting them wholeheartedly.....

You have to stop saying to ourselves that we are stupid, dumb, ignorant, or whatever it is that you say when things don't go right. We have to start facing ourselves in the mirror and saying OUT LOUD that we are beautiful, we are worthy, we are good......

The negative has to stop, in order for the positive to come through......we are NOT defined by our abuse/trauma, we are people that have been hurt......This isn't reason for us to put ourselves down......
 
She already knew about the shooting and about my dad and brother. But yesterday was the first time I admitted to her about the molestation and my fear he's gonna try to contact me again since the Columbine anniversary is coming up. (It'll be ten years since THAT -- the molestation -- started too.)

So yeah, I have about a million things going through my head right now. It's kinda hard to explain to someone what it feels like.

Oh yeah, a couple nights ago I had a dream about my molester. Apparently during that same night I kicked my b/f in the crotch in his sleep ^_^; I didn't even make the connection till the end of the day after. Didn't exactly make him feel any better though after I explained, lol.
 
self esteem is a hard one, I stuggle too. It is believing in yourself and I think for me at least having my power taken away from me so young I fell into the trap of believe and telling myself the negative stuff and it just stuck. It is hard to un-stick. Self talk is aobut the only thing i can think of to fix it.
 
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