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Had A Useful Insight ... Pretty Excited.

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Just Sayin'

Learning
Today started pretty well. I felt reasonably calm and I was able to keep myself from getting into the kinds of thoughts that triggers my obsessive rumination.

I set a new goal at work. Instead of a "fake-it-till-you-make-it this is what I 'should' be able to do" list, I decided that I would do the maximum I could do calmly. That might not be much today. It might be less or more on other days, but it's something that cuts through the demotivation of a to-do list that I know exceeds my capacity.

I felt good about that. I got a few things done. I stayed calm.

I wrapped up for lunch, checked the forum, and spent 15 minutes journaling -- just decompressing so I don't overwhelm my working memory. For me, stress builds over the course of the day making panic attacks more likely.

Somewhere in the forum -- can't remember exactly where, but I'll look for it again -- I was reading about identity and dissociative disorders. There was a link to an article that explained the disorder more clearly, since it's kind of a confusing thing when symptoms of PTSD and of DID can seem similar.

Anyway, the article was about the structural split between the "apparently normal person," which is the function presentation of ourselves and the "emotional person," which is the feeling part of ourselves. They're shortened to ANP and EP, respectively.

I'm borrowing that terminology because it's accurate enough for my purposes. But, to be clear, I am not diagnosed with DID, and I am absolutely not trying to oversimplify the disorder by appropriating these terms out of the context of a diagnosis.

So, here's the little epiphany I had while journaling -- note: it's specific to me and not being presented as some kind of one-size-fits-all UNIVERSAL truth.

I have been in a pretty bad place this week. It's a constant state of almost-panic and hypervigilance where any little thing or thought can tip me over the edge. My coping mechanisms include intellectualization, so rumination about "why" is common.

Rumination as a coping mechanism keeps me emotionally distant because "you can't solve an emotional issue with the scientific method." If I'm analyzing it, I'm not experiencing it, or so the irrational belief goes. Really though, I just fall down a rabbit hole and look for a "why" in the "wonderland" of my mind that explains what's happening, why, and why NOW.

I'm doing that because I'm looking for a "solution" or way to "fix" it. This would be my ANP at work (it's not exactly "normal" but it's the best I've got). This is the opposite of acceptance ... I'm fighting it by trying to change it or at least fighting the feeling of helplessness and a lack of control. Maybe I'm avoiding feeling it by retreating into my unemotional "logic brain."

But where the hell is my EP in all of this?

And THAT, it turns out, was an excellent question!

Because she's right where I left her. She's still 12-years-old in a situation she can't emotionally handle but that she has to try to survive.

The constant almost-panic? The fear, anxiety, nervousness, powerlessness and helplessness? That's what she's feeling.

So, of course that's what I'm feeling.

Because she is me.

Essentially I just pushed pause on my EP, creating a structural split, to avoid and ignore emotions I couldn't handle ... and most of the emotions that came along after that! I can't even describe feelings without referencing the list at this point.

But, whether I can name them or not, those emotions have waited for me. They're like ghosts who can't "cross over" because they still have unfinished business.

I'm bigger and stronger now, but I still haven't wanted to feel them. Besides, I know what I went through. But what If my emotions "don't know" that they're trying to tell me something I already know? (I do realize that emotions don't think, but please go with it ... It's just the easiest way to say it without getting into subconscious stuff.)

So, at that thought, an absurd image of a ghost trying to get my attention while holding a newspaper with a headline about the Titanic sinking came to mind. The ghost just can't rest in peace until I know about that event ... which is history at this point and which is also something I already know. Still, the ghost only knows it has to complete its mission.

The emotions I'm avoiding are trying to tell me that I was in danger 20 years ago and can't "rest in peace" until I know what they came to tell me!!

Of course, I do know that I was in danger, so I thought there was no point or reason to still feel that way. And I've avoided it for that reason. When I can't avoid it, I've tried to link those emotions to something now and to figure what's triggering me and why, but I don't think it's a now or a trigger thing at all.

Maybe it's just my EP still being where I left her with emotions that are long past useful, but that still have a mission.

And the feelings leak through, so what's happening is that I feel like every situation is the traumatic one because my EP is and my emotions are in a freeze frame.

It's kind of like a self-induced emotional constipation, if you think about it.

Anyway, I realize that I'm thinking of my ANP and EP as separate things, but that they're only separate now because it kept me emotionally safe (relatively and during a really bad time) to separate them. I can at least realize now that they're not inherently separate or intended to be separated.

Whether I can mash them back together or not (probably not), I can at least try to create a healthy dialogue and consult my EP from time to time instead of trying to keep her locked down, right? Especially if I'm only locking her down because I'm avoiding her message of imminent danger that isn't actually imminent.

I'm really not trying to be flippant or downplay the panic or terror or oversimplify the ways people with PTSD cope, but if I can make it ridiculous (to me) it's easier for me to face.

And if nothing else, it's a step toward reconciling myself to my emotions and it makes me feel like there's less of an "us v. them" situation inside my head. If it also resolves some of the confusion for me ... and, therefore, some of the rumination trying to make sense of it all ... I'll take it.

It also gives me an option when I panic ... the choice to own and acknowledge the part I split off from myself so maybe I can comfort myself, essentially by doing the thing I couldn't do then and comforting my 12-year-old EP. It's like Groundhog Day. I keep repeating it over and over using the pieces that don't work instead of trying to use the piece that would -- the piece I tried to save because it couldn't handle it then. Instead of trying to make myself unafraid through the force of sheer logic, which has never worked on any 12 year old I know, maybe the real magic happens because the compassion and caring of my EP is what I need to comfort ... my EP.

Essentially it becomes a big, mental group hug inside my head. Just the process of doing that is like a team building exercise, and I, for one, would love to feel like all my pieces are on the same team for once.

I'm excited about it because it's empowering. It's something that I can do that helps me. I also think there's probably lot of "broken things" in my head that have to do with having my EP being all but MIA. If I can reconnect to it ... might be good stuff.

And, it's not that I haven't heard this sort of thing before. There's really not anything new here at all, but it clicked and felt like a new thought and a new story for me. And that, I think, is key.

For those of you looking for answers ... please do spend time in the forums.

The answer you're looking for will not be there. (Sorry!!) Your answer really has to be "your" answer -- it's the thing that "has to be learned but can't be taught." Not that I have learned very much yet, but it's GREAT to know that it's possible. The important things are a) you are not alone in your search and b) the things that you see and read here will create a bank of perspectives and information that your brain can use like one of those electronic safe combination crackers things. All you need are "numbers" -- your brain will just keep trying combinations until it unlocks what you need.

It often feels like I'm at war with my brain. I'm not ... not really. It was trying its best to help me then, and it probably still is. It's just ... mistaken ... in its approach.

Of course this doesn't "solve" my problems. No, I'm not miraculously healed. But I did just go from feeling powerless to believing that maybe there is something I can do to help myself cope in a positive way.

And that's a win ...
 
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Kudos. I also deal with something similar. I have had some success in unifying my parts through targeted EMDR and art therapy. Somewhere I have a picture I drew for therapy about that group hug you are describing. I have gotten better at reaching my emotions with practice. Still a struggle. All we can do is keep trying.
 
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