Scott_Fraser
MyPTSD Pro
Hi Friends. I had ptsd before I joined the army at 16, although I didn't know what ptsd was. Let me explain.
When I was about 7, my mother re-married, and shortly afterwards my Step-father started sexually abusing me, I didn't know what he was doing, but he was touching me below. When I told my mother, she told me not to be so "bloody stupid", and that I was a liar. So anyway, this went on for a few years, also during this time I was being verbally abused as well by both of them, telling me that I was "Stupid" all of the time. It got to a stage where I had such a terrible stammer, that I believed that I was "Stupid", and "Useless" and a "Born Liar".
It wasn't until my grandmother took me in when I was 11 that the abuse stopped, my gran kind of guest that something was seriously wrong. My Gran and Grandfather, took my mother to task about it, but as usual she said that I was a complete and utter Liar.
Because of all this going on in my head, my school work fell behind in a big way so much so that when I left school I had no qualifications. My Grandfather served in the Army, so I decided to do the same, to prove people wrong that I wasn't stupid. When I joined up, I started to drink, and drink heavily, it was bottles of sherry that I drank. I'm ashamed to say that I was a drunk at 16.
Then one afternoon I was down at my usual spot at the canal behind the camp, drinking my bottle of sherry. Then I saw my Platoon Sergeant walking along the bank, and he caught me. I told him what was wrong, and I burst into tears, and out came the whole story. To his eternal credit, and to mine (He could have charged me on the spot). He took me into his family and dried me out. In return, I worked my socks off and stayed off the drink. So much so that after my 2 years training as a junior soldier. That when I was posted to my unit as a chef, I was a full Corporal at 18 and I continued working hard in my new regiment (The Cheshires) that I re-joined them as an infantryman after upping my training. I was a full sergeant at 25, and a CSM at 30.
My parents died in 1997, just after Cameron was born. And I hoped that they were burning in hell. Not a very Christian thing to say is it? I thought that I was rid of them. But the memories were still there.
Now I know this will sound very strange, but just before last Christmas I was having a dream, where my mother and step-father were in it, and of course she was still calling me Stupid and a Liar. I was in uniform in this dream. So I pulled out my pistol and executed her with a bullet in the back of the head. And then I turned to him. I made him kneel down and I shot him in just the same way as before, but this time I emptied the whole magazine into him, I wanted to make sure that he was dead and gone.
The next morning I spoke to Kim about it, Kim studies dreams and so does her friend Margaret. And they told me that I was finishing off the terrible past in the only way I knew how. I have never dreamt about them since then, so I think that I have put this past behind me now.
I know this has shocked you my friends, but I had to tell you and get it off my chest. I'm crying as I'm writing this, so please excuse me.
Thanks for listening to me.
Scott:crybaby: :crybaby: :crybaby:
When I was about 7, my mother re-married, and shortly afterwards my Step-father started sexually abusing me, I didn't know what he was doing, but he was touching me below. When I told my mother, she told me not to be so "bloody stupid", and that I was a liar. So anyway, this went on for a few years, also during this time I was being verbally abused as well by both of them, telling me that I was "Stupid" all of the time. It got to a stage where I had such a terrible stammer, that I believed that I was "Stupid", and "Useless" and a "Born Liar".
It wasn't until my grandmother took me in when I was 11 that the abuse stopped, my gran kind of guest that something was seriously wrong. My Gran and Grandfather, took my mother to task about it, but as usual she said that I was a complete and utter Liar.
Because of all this going on in my head, my school work fell behind in a big way so much so that when I left school I had no qualifications. My Grandfather served in the Army, so I decided to do the same, to prove people wrong that I wasn't stupid. When I joined up, I started to drink, and drink heavily, it was bottles of sherry that I drank. I'm ashamed to say that I was a drunk at 16.
Then one afternoon I was down at my usual spot at the canal behind the camp, drinking my bottle of sherry. Then I saw my Platoon Sergeant walking along the bank, and he caught me. I told him what was wrong, and I burst into tears, and out came the whole story. To his eternal credit, and to mine (He could have charged me on the spot). He took me into his family and dried me out. In return, I worked my socks off and stayed off the drink. So much so that after my 2 years training as a junior soldier. That when I was posted to my unit as a chef, I was a full Corporal at 18 and I continued working hard in my new regiment (The Cheshires) that I re-joined them as an infantryman after upping my training. I was a full sergeant at 25, and a CSM at 30.
My parents died in 1997, just after Cameron was born. And I hoped that they were burning in hell. Not a very Christian thing to say is it? I thought that I was rid of them. But the memories were still there.
Now I know this will sound very strange, but just before last Christmas I was having a dream, where my mother and step-father were in it, and of course she was still calling me Stupid and a Liar. I was in uniform in this dream. So I pulled out my pistol and executed her with a bullet in the back of the head. And then I turned to him. I made him kneel down and I shot him in just the same way as before, but this time I emptied the whole magazine into him, I wanted to make sure that he was dead and gone.
The next morning I spoke to Kim about it, Kim studies dreams and so does her friend Margaret. And they told me that I was finishing off the terrible past in the only way I knew how. I have never dreamt about them since then, so I think that I have put this past behind me now.
I know this has shocked you my friends, but I had to tell you and get it off my chest. I'm crying as I'm writing this, so please excuse me.
Thanks for listening to me.
Scott:crybaby: :crybaby: :crybaby: