Handling explosive outbursts from a domineering “friend”

[dharmaBum]

My friend regularly commands me to do things when he assumes he is the expert-in-the-room. By time and urgency he treats me like a subordinate, but we are both adults. When I told him not to talk to me like that while we were camping with our kids, he said he talks that way because he worked in the trades. I disagreed and said he assumed a hierarchy, possibly because of gender and that we are equal adults. Days later he invited me inside his house, agitatedly told me I had crossed a line and that he should be able to tell me to stop when his property is involved (My husband and I were collapsing a tent he had lent us), then he accused me of believing things I didn’t believe, threatened to end the friendship if those were my thoughts, ordered me out of his house without letting me speak, and then texted me later to say he still thought we were close friends. He did all this in front of my husband, but made sure the agitated part was not viewed by anyone else.

How should I proceed? I feel scared and hurt and am battling taking on his negative beliefs about me. I woke up disturbed about it in the middle the night and have been in hyper-arousal and negative self-judgement ever since.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

My friend regularly commands me to do things when he assumes he is the expert-in-the-room. By time and urgency he treats me like a subordinate, but we are both adults. When I told him not to talk to me like that while we were camping with our kids, he said he talks that way because he worked in the trades. I disagreed and said he assumed a hierarchy, possibly because of gender and that we are equal adults. Days later he invited me inside his house, agitatedly told me I had crossed a line and that he should be able to tell me to stop when his property is involved (My husband and I were collapsing a tent he had lent us), then he accused me of believing things I didn’t believe, threatened to end the friendship if those were my thoughts, ordered me out of his house without letting me speak, and then texted me later to say he still thought we were close friends. He did all this in front of my husband, but made sure the agitated part was not viewed by anyone else.

How should I proceed? I feel scared and hurt and am battling taking on his negative beliefs about me. I woke up disturbed about it in the middle the night and have been in hyper-arousal and negative self-judgement ever since.

I'm sorry to hear about the distressing situation you had to experience with your friend. It sounds like there was a significant amount of conflict and tension during your interaction. Your feelings of fear, hurt, and negative self-judgment are understandable given the intensity of the conflict.

It's important to prioritize your well-being in times like these. Have you taken any steps to practice self-care since this incident occurred?

Also, in processing your feelings about what happened, have you considered what boundaries you may need to establish with your friend moving forward to ensure your emotional safety and well-being?

Feel free to take your time to reflect on these questions, and remember that it's okay to seek support when navigating such challenging interpersonal dynamics.

 

[dharmaBum]

I have been considering boundaries and have decided not to talk to him alone. The thought of spending time with him again for any reason fills me with fear and dread.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

I have been considering boundaries and have decided not to talk to him alone. The thought of spending time with him again for any reason fills me with fear and dread.

It's positive that you're taking steps to prioritize your emotional well-being by considering boundaries that feel safe and supportive for you. Feeling fear and dread at the thought of spending time with someone who has caused distress is a valid reaction.

Have you thought about how you might communicate these boundaries to your friend in a way that feels comfortable for you? It's essential to establish boundaries that protect your mental health and ensure your emotional safety in any future interactions.

Remember, you have the right to prioritize your well-being and set boundaries that feel right for you. If at any point you feel overwhelmed or unsure about how to proceed, seeking support from trusted individuals or a mental health professional can be beneficial. Your feelings and concerns are valid, and it's important to take care of yourself during this challenging time.

 

[dharmaBum]

I have listed my boundaries and scripted potential future conversations. I notice I feel edgy, easily irritated, negative about myself, nearly paralyzed, sad, and confused. I do feel overwhelmed and unsure. I wonder if his behavior fits a controlling pattern that knowing about would help me understand more about how to proceed and take care of myself.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

I have listed my boundaries and scripted potential future conversations. I notice I feel edgy, easily irritated, negative about myself, nearly paralyzed, sad, and confused. I do feel overwhelmed and unsure. I wonder if his behavior fits a controlling pattern that knowing about would help me understand more about how to proceed and take care of myself.

It's commendable that you've taken the initiative to outline your boundaries and prepare for potential future conversations. It's understandable that you're experiencing a range of intense emotions such as feeling edgy, easily irritated, negative about yourself, sad, and confused after such a distressing interaction with your friend.

Given the behaviors you've described, there may be elements of controlling behavior in your friend's actions, particularly regarding how he attempted to assert power and dominance in the situation. Understanding the dynamics of control and manipulation can provide valuable insight into how to navigate interactions with individuals who exhibit these behaviors.

Have you noticed any patterns of controlling behavior in your friend's past actions or interactions? Recognizing these patterns can help you establish firmer boundaries and protect your emotional well-being moving forward.

Remember, prioritizing your mental health and well-being is crucial in situations like these. If you continue to feel overwhelmed and unsure, reaching out to a mental health professional can provide you with additional support and guidance as you navigate this challenging situation. Your feelings and concerns are entirely valid, and seeking help is a courageous step towards taking care of yourself.

 

[dharmaBum]

I'm waiting for an appointment with my established counselor. It is a holiday weekend.

My friend has regularly commanded me to do things. He also acts as if his way of viewing circumstances, behaviors, and patterns is the only right way. It has made me feel on my guard when we are together. However, recently he asked me to cook something at his house I had never made before. He was more friendly and encouraging than he usually is, and he even said I cooked the food, crepes, as good or better than he would have. We were the only adults in the room. I was still on edge because part of the instruction was commanding, but I had expected that as his style since he was teaching me something.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

I'm waiting for an appointment with my established counselor. It is a holiday weekend.

My friend has regularly commanded me to do things. He also acts as if his way of viewing circumstances, behaviors, and patterns is the only right way. It has made me feel on my guard when we are together. However, recently he asked me to cook something at his house I had never made before. He was more friendly and encouraging than he usually is, and he even said I cooked the food, crepes, as good or better than he would have. We were the only adults in the room. I was still on edge because part of the instruction was commanding, but I had expected that as his style since he was teaching me something.

It's positive that you have an upcoming appointment with your counselor to discuss these challenging interactions further. Seeking support during this time is essential for processing your feelings and navigating the dynamics of your relationship with your friend.

It's understandable that you feel on guard around your friend due to his commanding nature and insistence on his viewpoint as the only correct one. The mixed signals you received when he asked you to cook something at his house in a more friendly and encouraging manner may have added to your confusion and unease.

Reflecting on this experience, how did it feel to receive positive feedback from your friend on your cooking, especially considering his typical commanding demeanor? Did this shift in behavior impact your feelings towards him in any way?

It's essential to trust your instincts and prioritize your emotional well-being in interactions with others, especially if you feel on edge or uncomfortable. Processing these experiences with your counselor can help you gain further insight and support as you navigate your feelings and boundaries in this relationship. Remember, you deserve to feel respected and valued in your interactions with others.

 

[dharmaBum]

"Reflecting on this experience, how did it feel to receive positive feedback from your friend on your cooking, especially considering his typical commanding demeanor? Did this shift in behavior impact your feelings towards him in any way?"

It felt confusing. I felt accomplished to be performing to his satisfaction, but I still felt subordinate in the power dynamic. It also didn't entirely last. His communication with me is often confusing. He typically does not reply to texts, but decides on an action and takes it without informing me, so that I feel surprised that he shows up at my house unannounced or arrives at a meeting place earlier than he said he would and then I seem late or unprepared.

My children feel moderately to very uncomfortable with how he has been commanding to them at times. My youngest, who is 11 years old, refused to ride in a car with him at this same trip where he was acting controlling with me. At first I was embarrassed, but I decided to be her advocate and simply told him she would ride in our car without giving a reason. He accepted that and moved on without delving.

I feel disconcerted that after this "conflict" which seems like him acting inappropriately and me calling him out on it, his only communication has been to text one that we are still friends and to like several of my posts on social media.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

"Reflecting on this experience, how did it feel to receive positive feedback from your friend on your cooking, especially considering his typical commanding demeanor? Did this shift in behavior impact your feelings towards him in any way?"

It felt confusing. I felt accomplished to be performing to his satisfaction, but I still felt subordinate in the power dynamic. It also didn't entirely last. His communication with me is often confusing. He typically does not reply to texts, but decides on an action and takes it without informing me, so that I feel surprised that he shows up at my house unannounced or arrives at a meeting place earlier than he said he would and then I seem late or unprepared.

My children feel moderately to very uncomfortable with how he has been commanding to them at times. My youngest, who is 11 years old, refused to ride in a car with him at this same trip where he was acting controlling with me. At first I was embarrassed, but I decided to be her advocate and simply told him she would ride in our car without giving a reason. He accepted that and moved on without delving.

I feel disconcerted that after this "conflict" which seems like him acting inappropriately and me calling him out on it, his only communication has been to text one that we are still friends and to like several of my posts on social media.

It's understandable that receiving mixed signals and inconsistent behavior from your friend can lead to feelings of confusion and discomfort in your interactions. The dynamics you've described, such as his lack of communication, surprising actions, and commanding demeanor, can indeed contribute to a sense of unease and uncertainty in your relationship with him.

Reflecting on your experience with your youngest child refusing to ride in the car with him and your subsequent decision to advocate for her boundaries, it's essential to prioritize the emotional safety and well-being of yourself and your children. Your role as a parent in ensuring their comfort and boundaries are respected is crucial.

Considering his response to the situation and his subsequent minimal communication efforts, how do you feel about the current state of your relationship with him? Are there specific concerns or boundaries that you would like to address moving forward to ensure your emotional well-being and the well-being of your children?

Remember, setting and maintaining boundaries that prioritize your emotional safety and that of your children is crucial in any relationship. Seeking support from your counselor and trusted individuals can offer guidance and clarity as you navigate this complex dynamic. Your feelings and concerns are valid, and it's important to prioritize your well-being in all interactions.

 

[dharmaBum]

I am basically in a no-contact mindset, but I am nervous and scared about when and how that will be communicated. We have many share friends, values, interests and places. I know he acts this way with others too. I am the only person I have seen respond to him about it.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

I am basically in a no-contact mindset, but I am nervous and scared about when and how that will be communicated. We have many share friends, values, interests and places. I know he acts this way with others too. I am the only person I have seen respond to him about it.

Navigating the decision to establish a no-contact boundary with someone can indeed bring up feelings of nervousness and fear, especially considering the shared connections, values, and interests you have with this individual. It's understandable to feel apprehensive about the process and the potential impact on your social circles given the existing relationships you both share.

Recognizing that your friend's behavior extends beyond just your interactions and that you may not be the only one affected can highlight the importance of setting boundaries to prioritize your emotional well-being. You've already shown courage in addressing his behaviors and advocating for yourself and your children, which is commendable.

Reflecting on your current mindset of moving towards no-contact, have you considered how you want to communicate this decision to him? What aspects of the situation do you feel most anxious about when it comes to establishing and maintaining this boundary with him?

Navigating complex relationships like this can be challenging, but placing your emotional well-being and boundaries first is vital. It's okay to prioritize your needs and set limits to ensure a safe and healthy environment for yourself and your children. Seeking support from trusted individuals and considering discussing your concerns with your counselor can provide valuable insight as you navigate this process. Your feelings and concerns are valid, and taking steps to prioritize your emotional health is essential in situations like this.