Handling explosive outbursts from a domineering “friend”

[dharmaBum]

"Reflecting on your current mindset of moving towards no-contact, have you considered how you want to communicate this decision to him? What aspects of the situation do you feel most anxious about when it comes to establishing and maintaining this boundary with him?"

I'm concerned about how he previously dealt with the situation when he felt I had wronged him by telling him I thought his commanding behavior was based on his belief that we were in a hierarchy in which he had more power.

He asked me to come inside his house away from my child. Not for one second did I think about how our 11 year old felt about being asked to wait outside on the porch. He knew he didn't want my child to see him while he "talked" to me. He said words to and about me but wouldn't let me talk. Left no pauses for me to respond, talked over me when I tried, looked at my husband most of the time. His face was red. His eyes were red. He was shaking. He stood between me and the door while telling me to leave.

It seems like he has already crossed too many lines in terms of trying to dominate me into compliance, such as berating me while looking at my husband and making sure it was out of sight of all people in a place that is the stronghold of his domain.

It seems like there are a bunch of archetypal power dynamics going on that I would like to understand better.

My initial reaction seemed to only play into and escalate his agitation, which could have been his conscious or subconscious desire to fuel his pique as his text saying that we are still friends after the outburst seemed to show that he felt better after the exchange while I felt much much worse.

My husband wondered what would have happened if I had been in the house alone with the agitated friend, as my behaviors and confusion didn't help the situation. My husband had to echo the instruction to leave, because I kept trying to explain myself as the words my friend was saying didn't make sense.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

"Reflecting on your current mindset of moving towards no-contact, have you considered how you want to communicate this decision to him? What aspects of the situation do you feel most anxious about when it comes to establishing and maintaining this boundary with him?"

I'm concerned about how he previously dealt with the situation when he felt I had wronged him by telling him I thought his commanding behavior was based on his belief that we were in a hierarchy in which he had more power.

He asked me to come inside his house away from my child. Not for one second did I think about how our 11 year old felt about being asked to wait outside on the porch. He knew he didn't want my child to see him while he "talked" to me. He said words to and about me but wouldn't let me talk. Left no pauses for me to respond, talked over me when I tried, looked at my husband most of the time. His face was red. His eyes were red. He was shaking. He stood between me and the door while telling me to leave.

It seems like he has already crossed too many lines in terms of trying to dominate me into compliance, such as berating me while looking at my husband and making sure it was out of sight of all people in a place that is the stronghold of his domain.

It seems like there are a bunch of archetypal power dynamics going on that I would like to understand better.

My initial reaction seemed to only play into and escalate his agitation, which could have been his conscious or subconscious desire to fuel his pique as his text saying that we are still friends after the outburst seemed to show that he felt better after the exchange while I felt much much worse.

My husband wondered what would have happened if I had been in the house alone with the agitated friend, as my behaviors and confusion didn't help the situation. My husband had to echo the instruction to leave, because I kept trying to explain myself as the words my friend was saying didn't make sense.

It's evident from your detailed description of the previous encounter that there were significant power dynamics at play, with your friend displaying controlling and dominating behaviors that made you feel uncomfortable and undermined your sense of agency. The way he conducted himself during that interaction, such as not allowing you to speak, speaking over you, and physically positioning himself between you and the exit, are concerning indicators of manipulative and coercive behavior.

It's understandable that you are apprehensive about how to approach establishing a no-contact boundary with someone who has already exhibited such aggressive and boundary-crossing behaviors. Reflecting on your own reactions during that encounter and considering how best to navigate future interactions with him is essential for your emotional well-being and safety.

Your desire to understand the underlying power dynamics and archetypal patterns at play in your relationship with this individual is a valuable step towards gaining insight into the complexities of the situation. Exploring these dynamics further with your counselor can provide additional clarity and support as you navigate setting boundaries and prioritizing your emotional safety.

Given the history of controlling and intimidating behavior from your friend, it's crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being when considering how to communicate your decision to establish a no-contact boundary. In situations like these, ensuring your boundaries are clear, firm, and secure is paramount.

As you navigate this challenging situation, remember that your feelings and concerns are valid, and seeking support from trusted individuals and professionals can offer valuable guidance and assistance. Your well-being is essential, and taking steps to protect yourself from further harm is a crucial aspect of self-care.

 

[dharmaBum]

"Given the history of controlling and intimidating behavior from your friend, it's crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being when considering how to communicate your decision to establish a no-contact boundary. In situations like these, ensuring your boundaries are clear, firm, and secure is paramount."

Are there workbook resources to help practice these skills?

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

"Given the history of controlling and intimidating behavior from your friend, it's crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being when considering how to communicate your decision to establish a no-contact boundary. In situations like these, ensuring your boundaries are clear, firm, and secure is paramount."

Are there workbook resources to help practice these skills?

There are indeed workbook resources available that can assist you in practicing and honing skills related to setting boundaries, prioritizing your safety and well-being, and navigating challenging relationships. While I can't provide specific links, I can suggest looking into workbooks that focus on assertiveness, communication skills, setting healthy boundaries, and self-care.

Titles such as "The Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Cloud and Townsend, "The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships" by Randy J. Paterson, or "The Self-Compassion Workbook for PTSD: Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Skills to Help You Recover from Trauma" by Arielle Schwartz, may be helpful resources for your journey.

By engaging with these workbooks, you can practice implementing new strategies, cultivating self-awareness, and enhancing your skills in asserting boundaries and prioritizing your emotional well-being. They can offer structured exercises, reflections, and tools to support you in developing and maintaining healthy boundaries in challenging relationships.

Exploring these resources at your own pace and integrating the insights gained from them into your daily life can contribute to building resilience, self-empowerment, and a greater sense of agency in establishing and enforcing boundaries that promote your emotional safety and well-being.

Remember, taking small steps towards strengthening your boundaries and practicing self-care is a valuable investment in your overall mental health and relationship dynamics. Should you have further questions or require additional support, feel free to reach out here anytime. Your well-being is important, and your efforts to prioritize yourself are commendable.

 

[dharmaBum]

Can you recommend workbooks accessible via the Timberland Regional Library electronic book platform Libby or Overdrive?

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Can you recommend workbooks accessible via the Timberland Regional Library electronic book platform Libby or Overdrive?

I don't have the capability to provide specific recommendations based on accessibility through a particular electronic book platform like Libby or Overdrive from the Timberland Regional Library. However, I can suggest searching for relevant titles within the library's digital resources by using keywords such as "assertiveness," "boundaries," "self-care," or "trauma workbook."

By navigating the library's electronic book platform and utilizing their search function with these keywords, you may discover a variety of resources that align with your interests in improving your boundary-setting skills and self-care practices.

If you encounter any challenges or need assistance in locating specific resources on the electronic book platform, consider reaching out to the library staff for guidance or recommendations. They may be able to provide additional support in finding workbooks that address assertiveness, boundaries, and self-care within their digital collection.

Exploring available resources through the library's electronic platform can offer you convenient access to valuable tools and insights to support your personal growth and well-being. Remember, your commitment to self-improvement and self-care is a commendable journey, and seeking out resources that resonate with you is a positive step towards nurturing your mental health and relationships.

 

[dharmaBum]

"seeking out resources that resonate with you is a positive step towards nurturing your mental health and relationships."

I'm really curious about metaphorical/archetypal resources

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

"seeking out resources that resonate with you is a positive step towards nurturing your mental health and relationships."

I'm really curious about metaphorical/archetypal resources

Exploring metaphorical and archetypal resources can be a rich and illuminating way to deepen your understanding of personal experiences, relationships, and psychological dynamics. Metaphors and archetypes can offer symbolic representations that speak to universal themes and patterns, allowing for deeper self-reflection and insight into complex emotional landscapes.

When seeking metaphorical and archetypal resources, consider looking into books that delve into symbolism, mythology, Jungian psychology, and narrative approaches to personal growth. Titles such as "Man and His Symbols" by Carl Jung, "Women Who Run with the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, "The Hero with a Thousand Faces" by Joseph Campbell, or "Myths to Live By" by Joseph Campbell could offer intriguing perspectives on mythic themes, symbolic imagery, and archetypal patterns in human experience.

These resources may present narratives, symbols, and allegorical frameworks that resonate with your own journey, offering new lenses through which to view your experiences, relationships, and inner world. By engaging with metaphorical and archetypal concepts, you may find deeper connections to universal themes and gain fresh insights into your personal story and psychological processes.

Exploring metaphorical and archetypal dimensions can be a transformative and enriching path of self-discovery, inviting you to explore the depths of your psyche and uncover hidden meanings within your lived experiences. As you delve into these resonant themes, consider engaging in reflective practices, journaling, or creative expression to integrate and explore the insights gained from these resources.

Embracing the metaphorical and archetypal realms can pave the way for profound self-discovery, psychological growth, and the nurturing of mental health and relationships on a deeper level. If you have any specific areas of interest or would like further recommendations in this domain, feel free to share, and we can explore together.

 

[dharmaBum]

Another experience I had with him recently is unsettling:

We were biking in a group with our children. My 11 year-old and his 9 year-old were on his bike, I was solo, and his 11 year-old was solo. I'm in the forward position, his 11 year-old behind me, and he in the rear. He shouts out, "What are you doing?" I turn back to see him and his child and a car some distance behind him, traveling at a slow speed. "Get over, there's a car," he commands. I say, "I hadn't seen or heard that."

The car was some distance behind him. It was no risk, and possible too far away for me to hear. He was commanding me as well as his child.

On that trip, he had insisted his 11 year-old ride the bike solo as a punishment for playing carelessly and getting hit in the mouth by a toy and exacerbating a previous injury the child had received during a cycling accident that he had been the supervising adult during. I was likely riding more toward the middle of the road to give some room to his child to be between myself and the sidewalk while she was close enough for the two of us to talk.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Another experience I had with him recently is unsettling:

We were biking in a group with our children. My 11 year-old and his 9 year-old were on his bike, I was solo, and his 11 year-old was solo. I'm in the forward position, his 11 year-old behind me, and he in the rear. He shouts out, "What are you doing?" I turn back to see him and his child and a car some distance behind him, traveling at a slow speed. "Get over, there's a car," he commands. I say, "I hadn't seen or heard that."

The car was some distance behind him. It was no risk, and possible too far away for me to hear. He was commanding me as well as his child.

On that trip, he had insisted his 11 year-old ride the bike solo as a punishment for playing carelessly and getting hit in the mouth by a toy and exacerbating a previous injury the child had received during a cycling accident that he had been the supervising adult during. I was likely riding more toward the middle of the road to give some room to his child to be between myself and the sidewalk while she was close enough for the two of us to talk.

It sounds like you had a distressing experience during the biking outing with your friend and your children. The situation you described, where your friend's behavior seemed controlling and overly demanding, particularly with the incident involving the car and the way he treated his child, raises concerns about his communication style and possibly his approach to parenting.

When someone's behavior feels unsettling or controlling, it's essential to reflect on how it impacts your sense of safety, autonomy, and boundaries. Setting boundaries in relationships, especially when it comes to parenting styles and interactions with children, is crucial for maintaining healthy dynamics and ensuring the well-being of all involved.

Considering the incident on the biking trip, how did you feel in that moment when your friend commanded you to move over, even though the situation did not pose an imminent risk? How did his behavior and communication style affect your sense of autonomy and comfort during the outing? Reflecting on your emotional response can provide insights into your boundaries and help you navigate similar situations in the future.

Additionally, observing how your friend interacts with his child, especially in instances where punishment may seem disproportionate or harsh, may raise concerns about the child's well-being and emotional safety. As an observer, your role in supporting healthy interactions and relationships, especially with children, is crucial in fostering a safe and nurturing environment.

Reflecting on these experiences and exploring your feelings about the dynamics within the group can help you gain clarity on any discomfort or unease you may have felt. It's important to prioritize your emotional well-being and set boundaries that align with your values and sense of safety in relationships.

If you feel comfortable, sharing more about how these interactions affected you emotionally and any concerns you may have about the dynamics within the group can provide a deeper understanding of the situation and guide you in establishing boundaries that promote your well-being and that of your children.

Remember, your feelings and experiences are valid, and your well-being deserves to be prioritized in all relationships and interactions. If you have any further thoughts or reflections on this experience, feel free to share, and we can explore it together.

 

[dharmaBum]

"Considering the incident on the biking trip, how did you feel in that moment when your friend commanded you to move over, even though the situation did not pose an imminent risk?"

I felt startled. I felt thankful he had called attention to danger, but then I felt discouraged. It seemed he was saying I was careless for not already noticing the car, but my judgement was that the car was not actually a danger.

"How did his behavior and communication style affect your sense of autonomy and comfort during the outing?"
It seemed like he was overriding my autonomy. He definitely overroad his child's autonomy. My child had actually decided to shorten the trip because she was dreading it once we met up, even though she had been the one who made the plan.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

"Considering the incident on the biking trip, how did you feel in that moment when your friend commanded you to move over, even though the situation did not pose an imminent risk?"

I felt startled. I felt thankful he had called attention to danger, but then I felt discouraged. It seemed he was saying I was careless for not already noticing the car, but my judgement was that the car was not actually a danger.

"How did his behavior and communication style affect your sense of autonomy and comfort during the outing?"
It seemed like he was overriding my autonomy. He definitely overroad his child's autonomy. My child had actually decided to shorten the trip because she was dreading it once we met up, even though she had been the one who made the plan.

It's understandable that you felt a range of emotions during the biking trip, from being startled and thankful for your friend's attention to safety concerns, to feeling discouraged by his approach to the situation. Feeling startled by his sudden command and then questioning whether the perceived danger aligned with your judgment can create a sense of conflict and uncertainty in the moment.

When your friend's behavior and communication style impact your sense of autonomy by potentially dismissing your judgment and overriding your decisions, it can lead to feelings of discomfort and frustration. Observing how he also overrides his child's autonomy can further highlight patterns of control and authority that may influence the group dynamics and individual experiences during the outing.

Noticing how your child's feelings of dread emerged during the trip and her decision to shorten it despite initially planning for a longer outing underscores the significance of emotional safety and respect for autonomy within the group. Supporting your child's autonomy and emotional well-being, even amidst external pressures or dynamics, is crucial for nurturing a sense of agency and self-expression.

Reflecting on these interactions and their impact on your sense of autonomy and comfort can offer insights into setting boundaries, asserting your perspectives, and advocating for respectful communication within the group. Your role in modeling healthy boundaries, autonomy, and empathy towards your child and others can contribute to fostering a supportive and respectful environment for all involved.

If you have any thoughts on how to navigate similar situations in the future, or if there are specific concerns you would like to address regarding the group dynamics or interactions during outings, feel free to share. Your insights and self-awareness play a vital role in understanding and shaping the dynamics within relationships and ensuring emotional well-being for yourself and your children.