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Happy about my own demise?

Discussion in 'Dysregulation' started by Sietz, Mar 13, 2018 at 2:23 AM.

  1. Sietz

    Sietz Active Member

    Not sure if this is a cognitive distortion, but I'm sure I'm left dyregulated by it so I put this here. If it belongs somewhere else, sorry for posting it in the wrong place.

    I realized I get happy feelings when something bad happens to me, can be not particularly related to trauma but bad nonetheless. I'm sure this is a reaction due to habit of shitty things happening all the time, what's familiar and whatnot. But it's weird as hell.

    When my ex left me and found someone else, I was really happy but it was a fake happy, I felt happiness, but in my mind I was sad. Then other stuff happened, and the same thing. I thought I was more centered now, more stable, and this wasn't happening anymore, turns out it is! My landlord wants to jack up the price of my rent and I can't afford it, so he told me I had a number of months to leave, and I know I won't be able to find another good and cheap apartment near here - I might even need to move from this town -, and I got happy!! How screwed up is this?

    After the happy feelings I get overexcited, then I plummet and the apathy begins. No feelings whatsoever afterwards.
    My T says it's the way my mind learned how to deal with crap that happens, transform it into a good thing, even though I rationally know it's probably not that good.

    Well, my ex was kind of a good thing, he actually did me a favor :wtf: but the rest is all stuff that affects my life deeply.
    Due to this move I have to stop going to therapy so often, I'll spend a bunch of money because rents are sky high, might need to get a second job, not sure if I'll be able to continue my studies :( And I'm happy about this. :speechless:

    Anyone else have this?
    Any tips on how to deal?
    Ronin and Fionas74 like this.
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  3. Fionas74

    Fionas74 Member

    Good morning! I understand completely! I can give you examples of how I react completely opposite of what I “should”. Then I can give you my theory.

    I had a great job and was paid really well. I worked for this company for 11 years and was well respected. I got caught shoplifting and the company had to fire me and I was elated! I was married at the time but we needed both incomes to afford our home and of course regular bills. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get a job that would pay even half of what I had been getting. But, it didn’t bother me at all. I couldn’t wait to tell my husband when he got home from work. I was literally laughing when I told him. He was pissed and threw his wedding ring across the room and said horrible things to me but I loved it!

    My then husband cheated on me all of the time but I seriously didn’t care. When I found out the first time, I had sex with him that day and it was all forgotten. Another time I was a little suspicious that he was possibly looking at porn but he lied all the time so I bought a spyware computer program and installed it on our computer so I could see what he was up to. Well, porn was nothing compared to what he was doing and I read about everything he was doing and explicit emails about sexual things he was engaged in. It didn’t bother me at all. It’s going into survival mode to close any sense of feelings so I could logically think of my options. It was actually exhilarating to form a plan of what to do. I didn’t stay with him and decided to let my home go into foreclosure. The bank holding the loan was trying to sue me but I wrote them a letter and they decided not to sue. Wasn’t worried at all.

    This is odd but I had started in a new form of self abuse. I had started hitting my face and chest with the heel of a cowgirl boot and wanted to get the biggest bruises and welts I could and then take pictures. I was extremely excited and obsessed with looking at those photos. I was on disability at the time so I never went out in public so nobody saw what I did to myself. It was for my enjoyment only. I know that this example isn’t the same as the others but it is just another sort of survival mechanism to be excited about my own pain.

    My theory is that to block off any negative or “freezing” states when something “bad” happens is to allow you to dissociate from the reality of pain to get you through what needs to be done for your survival. A total disconnection.

    I continue to still do this so I don’t have any answers for you of how to “deal” with it and that would be what your therapist should be able to help you with. You are still holding those repressed emotions that have been conveniently tucked away for the time being but believe me, they are there and they need to be processed because they are going to show up or present itself through other destructive behavior, physical ailments, or emotional distress sooner or later. Possibly another reason you’re “happy” about not having to be able to go to counseling as often is just another way for your survival mechanism to keep you protected from feeling what needs to be felt. But, I would really recommend you to try to see your therapist regularly and work through what is going on because you will suffer the consequences of these repressed emotions if they aren’t processed.

    I hope something I have said makes some sense to you and really want you to take care of yourself because you deserve it.
  4. Sietz

    Sietz Active Member

    Thanks for your input @Fionas74

    One of the things I'm not happy about is less therapy, actually. I'm making excellent progress. T doesn't think it will be hindered though, so that seems to be okay.

    I agree that it's a way to shy away from feeling emotions.
    Fionas74 likes this.
  5. Freemartin

    Freemartin Well-Known Member Premium Member Generous $250+

    I remember this weird occasion from my childhood:
    I was 11 or 12 years old when my mum got breast cancer. When she had the operation my father was out of town arranging my nan's funeral (she had died a couple of days before the operation - good times). My other grandmother was staying at our place taking care of me.
    So, the night after my mum's operation: me and my grandmother had visited her at the hospital. We were walking home. I was so happy! I jumped up and down while walking and sang some silly kids' songs. I can still remember the bubbling elation.

    Yeah, not the healthiest of reactions I guess.
    Sietz and Ronin like this.
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