Hard to move forward, can anyone relate?

Invisible Fire

MyPTSD Pro
I am in a odd mental state. I can almost see where I need to be but it is hard to move towards it. I have spent my life being a victim of many things. Now I am in a place where I see I am not a victim. I am a survivor of mental, physical and sexual abuse. It started at an early age and I do not know a before and I do not know anything different. Or do I? Can I sit all of this down and live my life? Be present and grounded. Ride the waves when they come knowing they will pass? Can I be strong for that inner lost part of myself? It is easier to keep repeating. To not try on these new shoes. My therapist used that example a long time ago. That it is like wearing new shoes. You have to get used to the feel of them. Then a wave comes and knocks me out of them. But, I know where they are and how to put them on. It just scares me. Can anyone relate ? I am in my 40's being confident, well and strong are all new things for me. I sometimes think that wellness is triggering for me
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
I'm in my sixties, but I can relate. I suffered physical, emotional, sexual abuse from an early age. I also suffered spiritual neglect from then as well. I think often that I'm a sufferer, but I really am a survivor. My T often has to remind me of this in very gentle ways. He says things that get me back on track quickly.

I really feel for you as you struggle with this too. It never should have happened to either of us.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I think that being well and all its different attributes can be scary in itself because we are not used to it. I like the metaphor of 'it's like wearing new shoes'. We know they're there and can put them on if we're brave enough, see how they look, have a walk around and test them, see how they feel and take them off again if we're not in the mood. They can give us a boost if we need it.
I wouldn't say that I'm well at the moment but I imagine what has to change to maybe be well. What that looks like. It's difficult when a wave knocks us back again but the more good days we have the easier it is to remember how to get back on our feet again. ?
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I'm in my sixties, but I can relate. I suffered physical, emotional, sexual abuse from an early age. I also suffered spiritual neglect from then as well. I think often that I'm a sufferer, but I really am a survivor. My T often has to remind me of this in very gentle ways. He says things that get me back on track quickly.

I really feel for you as you struggle with this too. It never should have happened to either of us.


@Changing4Best....you're shitting me....in your 60s???.....I had you pictured at least 20 years younger. I'm right there in my 60s too. Just cause the digits are getting higher, doesn't mean we aren't young at heart, right?
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
This post is really timely for me. And I can completely relate to you both metaphorically and realistically. What is health? What is enough? What is true for me? What do I need to know, to feel, to understand, to authenticate without discounting my childhood, my trauma, the person I have become from that experience? What is the hold up? The barrier? The hesitance to let go and move on in the general sense of all things not just "move on" and "let it go" dismissive comments.

The post is really timely for me!
In January I am coming to my fourth year of intense therapy to dismantle the old Me and start to see what I dissociated over the years. It has been painful, confusing, nerve wrecking, and extremely unstable at time (still in fact it is jarring to see my dissociation consciously and sift through it is purpose). I am coming to understand trauma, itself, is learning hard life as a child. Something a child is not prepared for. It is trauma precisely because everything that happened to me happening to me today as an adult (logically speaking), I could have coped differently. For one very important in my case, I have the ability to leave a relationship as an adult - basic empowerment. As a child I was a chicken in the lion's den - I had no chance - hence every single part of me broke down.

But yet in the face of diabolical figure, I made it! I need to let that sink in.

Today, I am learning, focusing, giving more time and attention, to my body. I respect it. It is smarter than me. It is more powerful than me. It survived what as an adult I found extremely scary and unfathomable experience.

Health to me today means: respecting my body, mind, and environment. If I am lucky to keep consciously respecting, nurturing, and eventually loving it unconditionally...that is really it for me. And when I fell back to that known place where the diabolical figure showed me who I was, I hope (key word here for me hope) that I can once again resort to respecting and being compassionate to the body once again.

It may seem weird I am focused on the body not so much on the mind. But to me, the mind left the body and the body was left there to carry the trauma. The mind survived becoming me here...the body full of its memory was left there. Without body, we are dead. Without mind, we are traumatized! I am just a facilitator (consciousnesses whateveryouwanttocallit) bringing the mind back to the body and harmonizing them as they should have been as a relatively healthier child with a healthier parent would.

I think by asking this question, you already took a very important turn. I truly and sincerely wish you to hold tight and be safe.
 

Invisible Fire

MyPTSD Pro
@grit thank you for this reply. I believe part of this healing journey is feeling understood.
Health to me today means: respecting my body, mind, and environment.
I agree with this. I am finding that I have to have a balance of these things. I can't neglect these areas and feel well.

It may seem weird I am focused on the body not so much on the mind. But to me, the mind left the body and the body was left there to carry the trauma. The mind survived becoming me here...the body full of its memory was left there. Without body, we are dead. Without mind, we are traumatized! I am just a facilitator (consciousnesses whateveryouwanttocallit) bringing the mind back to the body and harmonizing them as they should have been as a relatively healthier child with a healthier parent would.
This makes a lot of sense to me. I do not think that it is weird. I have read the book "The Body Keeps the Score". I think it is very true that trauma lives in the body. I also think it is true that it can be released. And I think that is the path of healing and peace the one leading to harmonizing body and mind. Well put. Thank you again.
 

Friday

Moderator
There was about 2 years where I COULD SEE where I needed to be, crystal clear, maybe just 25 feet in front of me. Only problem was the giant freaking ravine in between here & there. So instead of just crossing 25 feet? It would either mean climbing down a few thousand, crossing 25, and climbing up a few thousand.

It was incredibly frustrating.

Upside? I got down... but was washed away by a flash flood.

It removed the frustration, in any case.

There’s no going back to my old life. That’s gone forever. Might as well pick a direction to strike off. No idea what’s between here&there, so the frustration of it being just out of reach is gone.

***

Now? It’s more of having climbed up again, only to be staring at a mountain range. Okay. I’m here. How the f*ck do I get over THERE? (And what the hell is over there, anyway? No idea.

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Invisible Fire

MyPTSD Pro
There’s no going back to my old life. That’s gone forever. Might as well pick a direction to strike off.
My therapist made a comment last week that part of my journey has been seeing who I am not. This made me think of that.

Beautiful picture. I can see myself standing there.

Okay. I’m here. How the f*ck do I get over THERE? (And what the hell is over there, anyway? No idea.
I think its peace over there.
 
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