Hi. Coming here for some help.
I am bisexual. Just putting my sexuality out there because I will probably be mentioning men and women. I'm married to a wonderful man. He is so loving. But I have a history of men using me. I have selfesteem issues. My husband knows I watch porn and masturbate which should be normal and healthy. But what he doesn't know is that I don't do it in a healthy way. When he is not home, I turn on porn I find degrading and then I use toys and masturbate in a way to purposely hurt to punish myself. And I cry after. The only time masturbating is enjoyable and healthy for me is when it's mutual masturbation with a woman. When I am alone and masturbating, it isn't what it should be. I don't know why I want to punish myself this way.Maybe the way men have treated me in the past like their sex toy, I feel like I deserve punishment. Like I am nothing. Even though I have such a loving husband now.
I watch porn and masturbate alone all the time. I don't do it to get pleasure. I only do it to punish myself. I do accidentally get some pleasure from it, but I try to hit spots that hurt more than feels good. It always hurts very much afterwards. Sometimes I have torn tissue. When my husband and I are having sex, I briefly masturbate or use toys just as a means to an end, orgasm. I don't enjoy masturbating or using toys with him. I have to mentally go numb. I do enjoy sex with my husband though. Just not when I have to masturbate to help things along. Probably because I masturbate alone to punish myself and to remind myself that I am useless and all the men who have treated me like a sex toy in the past, and a few even raped me, were right to treat me that way. I tell myself I deserved it. I tell myself I deserve the hurt. I know that is not true, but my mind keeps telling me this.
Like I previously mentioned, the only time masturbating is enjoyable and healthy for me is when I mutually masturbate with a woman. I feel safe and it feels right with a woman; it's totally different than when I do it alone.
Idk I want to stop watching porn and masturbating alone to hurt and punish myself. I don't know how to stop though. I don't know how to stop thinking negativity regarding sex and my self worth either. Please help. Thanks.
I am bisexual. Just putting my sexuality out there because I will probably be mentioning men and women. I'm married to a wonderful man. He is so loving. But I have a history of men using me. I have selfesteem issues. My husband knows I watch porn and masturbate which should be normal and healthy. But what he doesn't know is that I don't do it in a healthy way. When he is not home, I turn on porn I find degrading and then I use toys and masturbate in a way to purposely hurt to punish myself. And I cry after. The only time masturbating is enjoyable and healthy for me is when it's mutual masturbation with a woman. When I am alone and masturbating, it isn't what it should be. I don't know why I want to punish myself this way.Maybe the way men have treated me in the past like their sex toy, I feel like I deserve punishment. Like I am nothing. Even though I have such a loving husband now.
I watch porn and masturbate alone all the time. I don't do it to get pleasure. I only do it to punish myself. I do accidentally get some pleasure from it, but I try to hit spots that hurt more than feels good. It always hurts very much afterwards. Sometimes I have torn tissue. When my husband and I are having sex, I briefly masturbate or use toys just as a means to an end, orgasm. I don't enjoy masturbating or using toys with him. I have to mentally go numb. I do enjoy sex with my husband though. Just not when I have to masturbate to help things along. Probably because I masturbate alone to punish myself and to remind myself that I am useless and all the men who have treated me like a sex toy in the past, and a few even raped me, were right to treat me that way. I tell myself I deserved it. I tell myself I deserve the hurt. I know that is not true, but my mind keeps telling me this.
Like I previously mentioned, the only time masturbating is enjoyable and healthy for me is when I mutually masturbate with a woman. I feel safe and it feels right with a woman; it's totally different than when I do it alone.
Idk I want to stop watching porn and masturbating alone to hurt and punish myself. I don't know how to stop though. I don't know how to stop thinking negativity regarding sex and my self worth either. Please help. Thanks.