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Sufferer Harming myself through masturbating

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Anna01

New Here
Hi. Coming here for some help.
I am bisexual. Just putting my sexuality out there because I will probably be mentioning men and women. I'm married to a wonderful man. He is so loving. But I have a history of men using me. I have selfesteem issues. My husband knows I watch porn and masturbate which should be normal and healthy. But what he doesn't know is that I don't do it in a healthy way. When he is not home, I turn on porn I find degrading and then I use toys and masturbate in a way to purposely hurt to punish myself. And I cry after. The only time masturbating is enjoyable and healthy for me is when it's mutual masturbation with a woman. When I am alone and masturbating, it isn't what it should be. I don't know why I want to punish myself this way.Maybe the way men have treated me in the past like their sex toy, I feel like I deserve punishment. Like I am nothing. Even though I have such a loving husband now.
I watch porn and masturbate alone all the time. I don't do it to get pleasure. I only do it to punish myself. I do accidentally get some pleasure from it, but I try to hit spots that hurt more than feels good. It always hurts very much afterwards. Sometimes I have torn tissue. When my husband and I are having sex, I briefly masturbate or use toys just as a means to an end, orgasm. I don't enjoy masturbating or using toys with him. I have to mentally go numb. I do enjoy sex with my husband though. Just not when I have to masturbate to help things along. Probably because I masturbate alone to punish myself and to remind myself that I am useless and all the men who have treated me like a sex toy in the past, and a few even raped me, were right to treat me that way. I tell myself I deserved it. I tell myself I deserve the hurt. I know that is not true, but my mind keeps telling me this.
Like I previously mentioned, the only time masturbating is enjoyable and healthy for me is when I mutually masturbate with a woman. I feel safe and it feels right with a woman; it's totally different than when I do it alone.
Idk I want to stop watching porn and masturbating alone to hurt and punish myself. I don't know how to stop though. I don't know how to stop thinking negativity regarding sex and my self worth either. Please help. Thanks.
 
I understand what you are going through in regards to punishment and logic verses emotion. Maybe, when you feel the urge to watch porn, instead try the activity with a focused fantasy in your mind that you are with a woman and re-experience the positive thoughts. Or seek out porn with those scenarios. I have been trying to change my inner thoughts to positives while with my husband or alone. It has only worked a few times, but I hope to get there because I really don't want to talk to my therapist about the details in my mind.
 
Hi anna01... You already have a good understanding of what you feel is the problem.
Do you think you are doing what you are doing to try and control the situation...?... Like you are reliving what happened to you.

What you are doing is actually very normal for PTSD and body memories and flashbacks. You're not disgusting... You are trying to figure out what happen to you and your body...
Do you have a therapist...?

You are gona get through this....
 
@ TexCat thank you. Yes. I know I need to redirect my thoughts more positively. I have told myself all the things you suggested. Sometimes that helps. But not always. I very much appreciate the suggestions though. They are good ones. Maybe if I just keep trying, one day I will get there with no negativity.

@Xena thank you as well. Yes, when I am alone feeling bad about myself to relive it.
No, I do not have a therapist as of yet. I know eventually that needs to be a step I take. But honestly, I am just not ready for that step yet
Also unsure if I can afford therapy...
 
OK I understand... Well I'm glad you found this forum. It's a very supportive place.... Lots of people here want to help..... And do.....
 
Want to thank y'all for the support again. Just wanted to say, I've been through a lot. From enduring childhood physical abuse starting around age two and ending when I was a teenager when I started fighting back. And I was made to feel bad about taking up for myself. To emotional and sexual abuse when I started dating. So many men using me. And one of my rapist was my best friend. He even protected me from a drug dealer who I was dating who threatened my life. I didn't know for a long time that the guy I was dating was a drug dealer. He hid it. One day he just told me all about it.. idk why.
Then day I got very drunk and my best friend, my protector came in my room and asked if he could lay down in bed. I was almost passed out. I said I don't care; I just want to sleep. He got in bed. He started trying things. I told him no, stop. He kept on and didn't stop. I stayed friends with him for many years. Only recently could I admit that he raped me. I used to say he took advantage of me, but I could not say he raped me. Other than here annonymously admitting it, only about three people know about that rape. I keep so much inside me. And I have always tried to protect my abusers. I don't know why. But I do believe things will get better for me. They have to.
 
Want to thank y'all for the support again. Just wanted to say, I've been through a lot. From enduring...

Im sorry.... That's awful.... And it's understandable why you protect your abusers.. Im glad you found this forum. It has really helped me.... If you can
 
@chandandubey thank you for the comment. A little vague so just for clarification... You know because you have been through similar? So sorry if you have and hope you heal as well.
 
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