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Has anyone ever confronted their past abuser?

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by No Name, Oct 20, 2017.

  1. No Name

    No Name New Member

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    If so, generally speaking, what did you say and what happened? Did it help bring you closure?
     
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  3. hodge

    hodge Policy Enforcement Banned Premium Member Donated

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    I did with one of them. I told him I hated how he took advantage of me. How he pretended to be a father to me then took advantage of the trust he built in me for him and that I never wanted to see him again. He still came around sometimes, but I made it clear to him that I did not appreciate that and still never wanted to see him again. And I never did after those last few times he came around. I don't know if it brought me closure but I think it brought me an important sense of power in myself, that I could say this to him and hold onto my boundaries.
     
  4. Friday

    Friday Raise Hell Moderator

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    Confront? A few of them, yes. Closure? No. Not really.

    Which is why I generally just decide they're dead to me. Same end result, far less trouble. Very few people are worth the personal cost.

    Someone's whose already had their revenge telling someone else it ain't worth it? Yep. Suspect. Shrug. But it is what it is.

    You never really know what's right for you, until you've done it and learned, IME.
     
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  5. No Name

    No Name New Member

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    I like what you said about personal cost. I understand that. In a strange way, I feel like it could give them power. Like, they would have some kind of gratification of having impacted me.
     
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  6. No Name

    No Name New Member

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    Thanks for responding. I also understand the desire to set your boundaries. This isn't a person I have to see anymore, which is a good thing. However, sometimes I do wish I could have an open discourse with them. I don't really know what I'd seek or gain from it. People like him have very little or no remorse for their actions.
     
  7. Rosie11

    Rosie11 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I did accidentally, saw him in town. I could not speak, I went into shock and the only thing I could do was try to leave with my head held high and acting as nonchalant as possible. he spoke to me, but i did not speak to him. it did not help, I think any interaction was just bad and retraumatizing, I actually got home and collapsed afterwords, it wasn't good to confront him personally, but it has helped others. just don't let anyone pressure you into doing it, had a t and some family try to force me to confront thin and it wasn't a good idea
     
  8. SpacemanSpiff

    SpacemanSpiff Active Member

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    I know where he lives which is ten miles from me yet I've only seen him once when I was working in my 20s at a liquor store and that was the last time since. The memory is still new as it recently came back to me but I'm gonna hash it out with my T and I feel that's all I owe myself.
     
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  9. deeplyloved

    deeplyloved Well-Known Member

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    I think about it a lot. Finding some of them would involve contact with other toxic or abusive people, though. I only have the full name of one and it took years for him to stop tracking me down...years before the internet. I look at his Facebook page and pictures of his family and throw up. I think about contacting his wife...or his daughter who is now the age I was when he raped and tried to kill me. I just can’t stomach the risk of letting him back into my life in any way whatsoever. The one I really want to confront, well, I don’t even know his last name. I have been trying to figure it out without exposing myself to the risk of more harm. I hate myself for not reporting him...especially him.
     
  10. foxeevee

    foxeevee New Member

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    No. Even though they had their friends stalk me for two years to keep tabs on me and I had multiple friends and family members begging me to go to the police with all of my evidence, I was too scared of even a MEDIATED confrontation. I feel like all they have to do is put me down once again and it will be new trauma to forever relive. There is no closure to be had with an abuser in my mind, that damage is done.. And nobody understands how hard it is for me to even think about striking up that confrontation. Nobody understands that it isn't just about "go to the police, problem solved!" And that is the hardest part. All I try to do is hope and pray for karma.
     
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  11. foxeevee

    foxeevee New Member

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    this also happened to me and I reacted exactly the same it was a deer in the headlights moment
     
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  12. bento

    bento Active Member

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    I would think that in many situations it would be dangerous. Especially if you're dealing
    with stalking and other criminal behavior.

    I have confronted abusers in semi-safe conditions, i.e. they were down on their luck, and
    thus as receptive as they were ever going to be. I guess there was a certain level of empower-
    ment to state my truth and stand up for myself. But there were also the insincere apologies
    (either immediately obvious or made so by subsequent behavior) and/or repeated attempts
    to reengage me with stepping back into their coercive control.

    So I don't know, I guess I'm ambivalent about the results.
     
    Rain likes this.
  13. hodge

    hodge Policy Enforcement Banned Premium Member Donated

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    True, you have to be careful. I broke up with a boyfriend who became abusive and after a few weeks of trying to get me back and me continuing to refuse to take him back, one night he climbed up our house. Yes, literally. I wasn't asleep yet and I heard him doing it, my light was out, I looked out my window and saw him, and I knew it was bad. I stormed up, got my mom out of bed, got my little brother out of bed (lol, I had to pull him down the stairs because he was such a sound sleeper). Anyway, we all got downstairs, called 911, the police got to our house just as he was climbing into my bedroom window with a knife. He went to jail for a couple months. Yeah, just a couple months. I was like, wtf? He climbs into our house with a clear intent of killing us all and he only gets a couple months?!?!?!?
     
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