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Hating Myself For Not Being Able To Say It...

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PDH

Confident
Been seeing my T for about 6 months now. She's great. I trust her and feel totally safe with her.
Today I found myself in a position where I really wanted to disclose something. To tell her the part of my abuse that absolutely cuts me to the core and makes me feel so disgusted about myself, but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I so wanted to just spill it all out, but I just couldn't do it.
She handled it really well and was amazingly supportive as always, but tonight I'm hating myself for not being brave enough to say the words. Will I ever be brave enough to say it?
 
Been seeing my T for about 6 months now. She's great. I trust her and feel totally safe with her.
Today I...

its a very difficult thing to do, ive been in and out of therapy for over 20 years and only last week managed to tell my T! even then i didnt go into every detail of it, and she did ask what happened exactly - looking for detail, and i said no i dont want to say that, and that was fine. they dont judge, and its a great thing to do as it then lets you deal with all the fall out from it. Youll do it when your ready to im sure
 
Yes you will get there. I don't know if it has as much to do with being brave, as it has to do with timing.
It is suggested here often, to write it down and hand it to her.
Maybe intuitively you know you can't handle the flood afterward.
Either way..you will be able to do it.
You are very brave. You've gotten this far.
You will do what is right for you, when the time is right!
Gentle hugs if you accept.
 
It just takes time, and even then, I still have details of things I have never told anyone because sometimes you just can't spit them out. At times though I have found the easiest way to say it if you feel you need to is to write it down and just give it to them. Its horribly awkward as they read it, and the questions afterwards are hard, but it gets it out of your head. You can move towards saying it later.

All the best, and remember thats its okay to not be able to speak about it, it is hard to say and no one blames you :).
 
Thank you all for your kind words and support.
Sometimes it just feels like its this toxic thing inside me that I just need to get out in the open.
Ive thought about writing it, but I think I need to verbalise it.
I need to learn to be patient with myself. I keep expecting to just be able to "get over it", and then beat myself up when I can't...but this is a marathon, not a sprint. Slow and steady I guess
 
Thank you all for your kind words and support.
Sometimes it just feels like its this toxic thing inside me...

i think that self blame is very common, the thing that stopped me from talking about it was i felt responsible - because my perpatrator was another child - i did nothing, i just let it happen and felt - well if i did all that, i must be to blame too. Therapists understand, they hear it every day and will hopefully be there to help you
 
i think that self blame is very common, the thing that stopped me from talking about it was i fe...

I can relate to the self blame. My perpetrator was an adult, but I always felt it was my fault...even more so now looking at it with adult eyes. Its hard to switch that way of thinking around when its been your reality for so long, but i'm getting there.

I hope you feel comfortable to talk now, and know that regardless of age of the perpetrator, you were not to blame, and not responsible.

See, only someone who is truly brave would see it this clearly.
You'll get there.
Thank you ladee :)
 
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I know it seems like a long time, but six months is not long at all. Processing things takes time, and, as you said, patience. You will get there.

My therapist often says that "this is not an emergency" (even though it can feel urgent) and that you can only go at the pace you are ready for. What that means, is if you try to force things before you are ready, your symptoms will get worse and that will slow you down anyway.
 
Thank you all so much.
All of your responses have reminded me that its ok...that I'm ok.
That just starting this journey is brave, and its ok to stumble, and its ok to take it slow.
Sometimes the most meaningful journeys take the longest time.

I tend to lose sight of that sometimes.
 
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