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Have people ever told you they feel sorry for you because of combat ptsd? do we do something wrong?

Discussion in 'Military & Emergency Services' started by anonymous, Dec 5, 2017.

  1. anonymous

    anonymous Forum Anonymity Premium Member

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    I have discussed the topic of disability at another board. Actually not a PTSD board, but lots of disabled civvies there. Actually I wanted to know how to cope with another mans disability (not my Vet and the other man does not have PTSD) and mentioned how much my Vet hates it when people feel sorry for him. Those people are disabled but obviously nobody ever felt sorry for them... and they suggested that we must be doing something wrong if people feel sorry for us... like we run around begging for compassion or what.
    One of them suggested we do not need to talk about it and nobody will feel sorry for us.

    My Vet tells people he trust if he cannot do do something because of his condition and often they say „So sorry“ and then he feels bad about himself.

    There was a person working with the disabled (without PTSD) on this board who said people never tell the disabled they feel sorry for them.

    Do you think we have made a fool out of ourselves by talking to much about it?
    Actually I wanted to ask the neighbors to have no firework or only a small one on New Year’s Eve. Is that a bad idea?

    Don‘t wanna make a fool out of myself.
     
    Rain likes this.
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  3. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

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    I've had this conversation with several disabled people and here is how they explain the difference:

    I'm sorry = polite answer that is generally acceptable to the non-disabled community. It doesn't really mean anything. It's like when people say "how are you?" They aren't expecting an actual answer. Think of it as a place filler. It can also mean the person saying it has no idea what to say.
    I'm sorry you are disabled = You are now pathetic and can't have a life like I can
    I'm sorry this happened to you = acknowledging something bad happened to the person

    Most of them don't feel sorry for themselves (as in big ole pity party) but they do feel sad there are things they cant do anymore. I'm surprised they are insinuating he is asking for sympathy Next time your vet hears "I'm sorry" he might think back to how he phrased the previous sentence.
     
  4. anonymous

    anonymous Forum Anonymity Premium Member

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    Thank you @Freida for answering so many people here’ve though you have PTSD yourself.

    As for me... not as a sufferer but as a spouse. Yes I am sad there are things he cannot do but then I am pretty proud of him... and in the long run my pride will be stronger than any sadness.

    Actually most people are very kind and understanding but there are some people who without tying to be hurtful say hurtful things. There was this man who just said „How horrible“, „how horrible“ all of the time when he heard about my Vet’s fears.
    I can even understand it. There was a guy at this board who was crippled from an illness and when he wrote about the severity of his symptoms I nearly wrote „how horrible“... but for him this is his life and he does not see his life as tragic... and I am happy I did not write it it would have hurt his feelings.

    My vet has only a small disability. There are several severily disabled people in my life who I sometimes meet and in many cases I do not know how to treat them. I do not want to patronize them.
     
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  5. DharmaGirl

    DharmaGirl Crazy Chicken Lady Donated

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    I just asked. Before I became disabled, I worked with the disabled and I would have to look away when people would talk to the person I was with. So it's better, I think, to just talk normally to the person, and ask if they need help if it seems they need it. When I do tell people I'm disabled, and they say I'm sorry, I just say thank you. I don't think they are meaning they are sorry for me. Most of the time they say, "You don't look disabled", and I am tempted to scream.
     
    Rain and Freida like this.
  6. Rain

    Rain To have hope is a choice Banned Premium Member Generous $250+

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    It depends on what kinds of people the neighbors are. Do you get along with them and is there give and take compromises with them. If so I would ask them. But if you do not know them very much it could create a problem for them and for you. I am more thinking of the natural consequences to you in being so vulnerable to ask such a question of them. I surely do understand your reasons for asking and if I was your neighbor I would agree to your request.

    Do these neighbors see and hear the real you and believe you? I wish you luck
     
  7. DharmaGirl

    DharmaGirl Crazy Chicken Lady Donated

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    I have to agree with @Rain, when my neighbor found out I had PTSD, he went around telling the other neighbors that I could fly off the handle at any time. He was an ass.
     
    Rain likes this.
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