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Have Wings, Will Fly

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Clydiechick

Confident
I feel about as low as I can go at the moment. I am definately in flight mode. I just want to get in my car and go, where? I don't know.

I think about dying, the peace and quiet. But then I think about my kids.

I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I am definately isolating myself from all of my family, it's getting worse. I feel like I talk and nobody listens, I have all these feelings, thoughts and emotions that I have to keep to myself. My husband doesn't say a word, I don't know why I bother. I said to him yesterday, "One day you will wake up and I will be gone, everyone will say, I never say they never saw it coming, didn't think she'd do that, how could she leave?" Then I said to him, "You'll be able to say 'you talked about it all the time, I just never thought she'd do it.'" Again he said nothing. HELLO, the bells are ringing but nobody is at home, I'M SERIOUS.:wall:

If somebody said to me, "It's okay, just go, everyone will be okay." I'd be gone in a flash, again where? I don't know.

Can somebody tell me something that will help? PLEASE:rofl:
 
I can only say, you need to find out what is triggering you so badly, step back, and ideally do something calming and distracting- a bath, something gentle on yourself.

I'm guessing your husband does not know what to say to that; it doesn't mean he's minimizing it.

I am sorry if this sounds curt- I'm just running back to work.

Please, be kind to yourself, and many Hugs, to you.
 
Hi Clydie,

I'm sorry you're feeling like this and I don't have any words of advice as I'm not a sufferer but as a carer just trying to give you another point of view. You hubby might be trying to difuse the situation (I'm only guessing as I don't know the source of your trigger) but in my case even though I'm communicative to my partner I still many times have to pick and chose my words because he's so unstable right now that anything might set him off.

I hope you can find peace and safety.
Hugs.
 
Just a quick observation. First, I really don't know your circumstances so I hope I do not offend. Not my intent ever. You mention that you are aware that you isolate. Also that when you do try to talk to your husband, he will not talk to you. I would kind of echo CCury in the feeling that sometimes we as carers just don't know what to say in fear of feeling like we made it worse. Any chance he would come on the forum as a carer to learn more? I know that most men will not, but it is a thought.

As far as him not talking, I guess my example would be a couple that have had maybe the loss of a baby such as a miscarriage. Sometimes, even close friends will not say anything to them for fear of not saying the right thing. Or feeling they will make things worse by bringing it up in a discussion. But yet that results in feelings being built up on both sides.

I hear that you are having pain and do not mean to assume anything. I am just giving one possible reason for the lack of communication by your husband.

I wish you the best!

ISH
 
Dear Clydiechick,

I hope you are feeling better now. I think most people who suffer from PTSD feel the way you do sometimes. You are asking your husband for help and he's not listening. I hope that you can write about your thoughts and feelings on the forum and know that there will be people who know exactly what you are talking about and understand. You are not alone.

I can tell you for a fact that I know exactly how it feels to not want to go on anymore and the only you force yourself is for your kids. I've talked to other people who suffer from PTSD or some depression and they feel this way at times. But then it passes. Then sometimes the thoughts don't recur for a long time. Then you look and you wonder what brought to that place.

My heart goes out to you! You are such a wonderful person!

Gloria
 
I can only say, you need to find out what is triggering you so badly

Agreed. You need to find the feelings and emotions behind this, and address them directly.

Also, your husband probably has no idea what to say. And to be perfectly honest, he may feel like you're trying to manipulate him, either his thoughts or his actions. I'm not saying that's what you are trying to do, but I could see how he'd easily feel that way, especially if you've been down this road on multiple occasions. What you wrote that you said to him (even paraphrased) is very threatening, angry, blaming and finger-pointing...it automatically makes the other party go on the defensive, or want to say something to make the threats stop. His silence might be the kindest thing he is capable of doing when you are saying these things. It's really different than if you just honestly told him, "I'm afraid I might kill myself," without the anger directed at him.

Please understand that I'm not trying to be mean, or minimize the pain you're in. I had to realize how the expression of my ideations and threats were making my husband feel, and that I sure as hell wouldn't want to be with someone who did that to me.
 
Thank you everyone.

Mina, thank you so much for what you said. To be TOTALLY honest, I hadn't thought of it like that at all. I see what you mean. But he didn't take offence to it, I would certainly have know if he did, he is usually very defensive when needed or comfronted. I was not angry when I said it to him, I was sad.

I have felt a bit more stable since the day this happened. No happier, but don't feel like I am about to run at any second.

I am now having a battle with my medication. I have weaned off my lamictal against the doctors advice, but am going to see how it goes and if my moods change dramatically I will go back on it slowly.

I just get days when I feel so sick of everything and wish I could flick a switch and make it go away. I wish my head could turn off and I could stop the physical pain, even if just for one day.

I wish I could be a better mother, daughter and wife.
Clydie
 
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