Havent slept in 6 years. The nightmares have startup up nightly again. Barely functioning. Help

  • Thread starter Stubborn survivor
  • Start date
S

Stubborn survivor

My dad abused me a my siblings. Mom did too. We were homeschooled. And weren't allowed outside the house or to have friends. 18 years of my life was spent in he'll prison. Isolated from the world. And being beaten for any minor mistake deemed unsuitable by our parents. Stict rules for how we had to live day by day. Bored out of our minds and alone in our free time. Cannibalizing and throwing our other siblings under the bus to get out of punishments.

Sometimes it didn't matter who did the bad thing. Our dad would beat all 5 of us untill somebody willfully took the blame and an extra beating and let the others go.

There's so much more. My brother sexyally abused me. I guess that's what you get when you keep your three boys alone in there bedroom garage away from the others in the house. And the older one reaches puberty and has only seen a few girls. I was the younger one and just went along with it. I was 8 when it started. Lasted for about a year before he stopped and we both tried to forget it.

The parenting abuse continued untill I was 18. And I moved in with my uncle 11 days after my freedom day. Nothing like being rushed into a world completely alien to you after 18 years of abuse and being expected to have everything figured out. Like how to talk to people. Shop at a store. Or feed yourself. I could go on and on and on but for this. My first thread.

I'll get to the point. I'm 22 years old and have come a long way since I moved out. But I'm still not doing great. I have a job and am a functioning member of society. But barely. I haven't slept well since of was 16. That's when the nightmares came with full force. And for the last 6 years they have been vivid and demented. I question my own sanity for what my brain shows me. Things I've never seen before. That torment me in way impossible to imagine. The dreams are so vivid and real.

And I can feel pain. Lately they have become a nightly trial. Last night there was a venomous spider. And he bit my hand. It was so painful. Burned like any real bite. I the fear and trauma of seeing this feeling it. And being unable to escape from it until the dream decides to let me go is unimaginable. I'm already to go to sleep. And what little sleep I get is just filled with yet more suffering.

I'm afraid of what torture I will experience tonight. My life barely feels worth living. I have no peace. And I have no way to achieve peace. I just want the pain to stop.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for the downer mood. I feel like I sound pathetic I want to be strong. But I've been strong for 22 years. I am tired. Enough should just be enough. It's bedtime for me now. My hearts already racing with anxiety. Time to take my 20 mgs melatonin. And max strength zzzquil. I started taking them 2 weeks ago because when shit starting picking up it was the only thing putting me down. Probably gonna be a problem for my liver if I keep it up haha. f*ck it. Thanks again. Goodnight
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
I can definitely relate to a lot of this. Early-life isolation tends to have a very specific constellation of symptoms. Myself && others who can relate have all described similar things to you, especially your circumstances regarding night terrors & tactile hallucinations. I have a lot of tactile and auditory hallucinations & sometimes delusions as well.

Sleep is fairly elusive to me. If I can get to sleep which is rare. I tend to remain awake for days at a time, and when I do fall asleep -- I am usually "awake" and "asleep" at the same time. I can hear things going on around me && know where everyone is in the house, if someone's left or entered, footsteps. A lot of my dreams, when I can even get to the point of sleep where one does dream, are f*cked up as well.

Mostly because my life and my experiences were f*cked up and that stuff lives in my brain. Rather than indicating insanity it is very likely a result of your brain attempting to process your real experiences and conflating them with fantasy/dreamland bullshit. I expect it's similar for you, that what may assist is traumatic processing. It seems your symptoms with nightmares are signifying the real issue.

Therapy tends to get this one backwards, but medication can help.

Rather than Nyquil and melatonin I'd recommend trying prazosin. It's an alpha channel blocker that helps to lower your physiological responses (heart rate, blood pressure) && has success in treating nightmares. It's also safer for your body as many preparations of Nyquil have acetaminophen in them of which 4% gets converted to NAPQI (a hepatotoxin). This is what causes liver failure.
 
Last edited:
S

Stubborn survivor

I can definitely relate to a lot of this. Early-life isolation tends to have a very specific constellation of symptoms. Myself && others who can relate have all described similar things to you, especially your circumstances regarding night terrors & tactile hallucinations. I have a lot of tactile and auditory hallucinations & sometimes delusions as well.

Sleep is fairly elusive to me. If I can get to sleep which is rare. I tend to remain awake for days at a time, and when I do fall asleep -- I am usually "awake" and "asleep" at the same time. I can hear things going on around me && know where everyone is in the house, if someone's left or entered, footsteps. A lot of my dreams, when I can even get to the point of sleep where one does dream, are f*cked up as well.

Mostly because my life and my experiences were f*cked up and that stuff lives in my brain. Rather than indicating insanity it is very likely a result of your brain attempting to process your real experiences and conflating them with fantasy/dreamland bullshit. I expect it's similar for you, that what may assist is traumatic processing. It seems your symptoms with nightmares are signifying the real issue.

Therapy tends to get this one backwards, but medication can help.

Rather than Nyquil and melatonin I'd recommend trying prazosin. It's an alpha channel blocker that helps to lower your physiological responses (heart rate, blood pressure) && has success in treating nightmares. It's also safer for your body as many preparations of Nyquil have acetaminophen in them of which 4% gets converted to NAPQI (a hepatotoxin). This is what causes liver failure.
Read. And heard. Thanks for the words. Working on getting a Dr. As next step for me.
 
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