Having a Hard Time Talking About It All

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thankfull

New Here
I dont know if I have ptsd but I can relate to lots of what you are saying. four years ago I went completely over the top.and ended up in a police sell. I did get some help from a crisis team which said I had stress and needed to slow down they put me on tablets and said I had been ill for a long time. I then started to write loads about it all. I then deleted it. Its hard....
 

Monarch

MyPTSD Pro
it is very hard, hard to understand, hard to cope with, hard to live with, hard on everything.
 

pandora

MyPTSD Pro
OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH monarch, you are so right.
I feel the exact same way. !!!!!!!!!!!
When i don't talk i feel ridiculous. I hope it gets easier. writing is a lot easier than having to speak out loud, that is for sure. having someonethat you trust can make it easier although I have been seeing the same person for a while and even though I have told her there are al lot of things I want to say i haven't actually said them out loud. i am just realizing how important that can be.
Take Care.
 

Monarch

MyPTSD Pro
do you think that stems from avoidance? I heard someone say once that it is just a reaction from the past. I told my brain to react that way anytime those feelings come up so my brain keeps reacting that way. Our brains are so powerful, is part of dealing PTSD retraining our brains?
 

pandora

MyPTSD Pro
Yes, I think this could definately be taken as avoidance as well as a coping mechanism.A good friend used to say to me "Of all the things I have lost I miss my mind the most" ha ha LOL
I think that is why cognitive behavioural therapy is used for this disorder, to retrain our thoughts and thinking process. Take Care.
Pandora
 

Etain

New Here
Monarch - I definitely understand where you're coming from about having a difficult time talking about what caused your PTSD! After 8 years of this I still have a hard time talking about it.

When I was having counselling I wasn't even sure I wanted to explain to my counsellor exactly what happened to me - I always have this fear that people will tell me everything was my fault. She was really good....she didn't push me, but suggested I write it all down for myself and I didn't have to share it with her if I wasn't comfortable with it. I wound up sharing with her anyhow, but the process of writing it really helped.

After all this time only 1 person in my life knows really much of anything about what happened to me...and even then it's only snippets of memories that I've shared. The only other person I tried to share with I was skirting around the issue and was holding his hand at the time...and I didn't even realize I was crushing the poor guy's hand (he didn't say anything).

So all of that is to say - yes you are definitely not alone on this.
 

zoe

MyPTSD Pro
Monarch,
It has taken me 20+ years to talk in much detail and I still struggle. I didn't speak for years in therapy. After several attempts at hurting myself it finally dawned on me that I could use words, no matter how awkward, instead of physical pain to express myself. Writing has helped me, poetry, and trying to be nice to myself.
Take care
 

Monarch

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks, I do write things down, I have written a 40 page journal about all my shit and I did share it with my therapist, so he knows alot but we haven't talked about it yet. Talking about it is when I freeze, I sit there and my stomach goes in knots then I get that hot feeling and I can feel it going up my body and it hits my head and I get super hot and I can't talk I just disappear. It annoys the crap out of me! I want to talk I want to get it all out but my damn brain isn't coorperating.

Jmp, my therapist spent the last year trying to tell me that suicide and cutting wasn't going to work for me. Hell, most I my friends spent the last year telling me that too. I guess I recently finally believed them and made up my mind that I want to live and work thru this to heal. I thought that would open the doors for me to talk about it but that hasn't happened as of yet. Maybe one day.
 

zoe

MyPTSD Pro
Monarch

I still don't talk in much detail except when I space out and then there is no feeling, so it isn't like really dealing with it. I write a lot of emails to my doctor but can't read them, sometimes after writing them I can talk a little bit.
The hurting/cutting thing is hard not to do but I'm working on it. I know that the words work better but it is hard to remember that when when things get crazy inside. Hopefully over time it gets better.

Take care,

jmp
 

slhlilbit

Confident
hello,
I have had ptsd for 26 years and its still hard to talk about it all.
But i must say that this forum has helped alot as well as getting the right therapist. she works for the vet.center at first i didnot trust her but in starting to open up to her and she is helping me to understand that the way i had been dealing with this and keeping it all in was just hurting me.
i didnt even really know about ptsd until 1996 when the va dr's finaly diagnosed it. but i could not help my self until i got to the place that i was able to see how my behavior was really killing me.
i guess until 2002 when i got a job at a campground and had to live there and was not able to take much time out for even going to the gro's. then my employer told me she thought it was too much for me.

I think it helps to stay intouch with the people who really help and understand.

take care of you. slhlilbit
 

WarHippy1%

Learning
I'd like to add my 2 cents to this subject. I've been in one-on-one therapy with a Psychologist, a Psychiatrist, with a drug therapist as the co-ordinator of a group therapy setting, and a group therapy of peers with a professional who has PTSD co-ordinating the group. In one-on-one therapy, I was never able to quite get to the root of my stressors. Too much info to be passed along to one person which caused me to sit there, feeling naked to the world, and since that person didn't have PTSD, they didn't have their own story to add to the mix to help me feel comfortable with sharing mine, I felt like I was damaged goods. As much as they tried to help, they couldn't know how I felt because they hadn't experienced the trauma OR the aftermath of it. With all their training, they were, in effect, useless to me in regard to recovering from or accepting what was happening to me inside my head. Maybe being an alcoholic and being as active member of Alcoholics Anonymous helped me to realize that, if you haven't walked a mile in my shoes, how the hell are you gonna understand what's going on inside my head. You can't learn how an alcoholic thinks in school, OR a PTSD sufferer. The only one who can truly help an alcoholic recover is another alcoholic. I believe the same holds true for PTSD. If you haven't experienced the nightmares that take us back to the time in our life that we would gladly give all our wealth to forget, how can you help us deal with and recover from the debilatating effects those dreams have on our reality. Too many therapists claim to understand PTSD when their only experience with it comes directly out of a text book and stories that their clients have told them. Not one of them will be honest enough to admit that. And the PTSD sufferer suffers even more because of the therapists inability to admit their own shortcomings. PTSD is too new for the professional community to understand it to the extent of being helpful to the patient. If you agree with everything that I've stated so far, which has held true in my experience of 12 years of different therapies, then you must also agree that the only relief we will find is in a group therapy setting of our peers, who have more experience with PTSD than the whole medical community combined. What better place to air your dreams than a small group of fellow PTSD sufferers who have their own dreams to share and try to find relief from? Here is how one of my group therapies was organized, and again, I'm not a recognized expert on PTSD, but I am an expert on what worked for me, and I also believe that helping someone else also helps me. Anyway, onward.....we were told that whenever we had a nightmare that woke us, before we go back to sleep and forget what it was about, journal what details of the nightmare we could remember. The reason for that was by morning, we would forget most of the nightmare, except the emotions that it caused. We already know the emotions it causes, suicidal thoughts, self-inflicted wounds, the insane notions that we are pieces of shit because we can't live life like normal people. I could go on, but you've probably already identified with one of those lies our minds tell us. And, yes, our minds lie to us. The reason? Our minds are trying to kill us because our minds want to be in charge without our reasoning power holding it back all the time. The thing our mind doesn't realize is that, if our bodies die, our mind dies with it. That is the insanity that the alcoholic mind suffers with and also the PTSD sufferer. The cure? Journal a list of everything your mind tells you that you believe might not be factual. Go through it and cross off anything that you know isn't true about yourself, AND START BELIEVING THAT IT ISN'T TRUE! If there is anything left that you are not sure if it is a lie or true, find someone you trust with your life, and ask them if that thing your mind is telling you is true or another lie. You'll be amazed at just how many lies your mind is telling you, trying to make you miserable enough to end it all. Once you see this, and realize that things aren't automatically true just because you hear a little voice inside telling you it is, you'll take a step toward the light at the end of the tunnel.
Back to group. Each group, one person would read what they had written about their nightmare. Then the rest of the group would take turns giving their feedback on what the meaning of the nightmare could be, based on their experience. After all this, anyone with an emergency nightmare would be heard, and the group would interpret their dream. During each feedback, each person would also state their opinion on what they thought could be done to resolve the dream, to take away it's power. The next group session, the next person in line would read their nightmare, etc.
I've seen this concept work on dozens of people, the reason only dozens is because, what do ya think I am, a therapy junky? HA! HA! HA!
Back to serious......Honestly, I don't think you'll find recovery in a one-on-one setting. But, think for a minute, do you think it would be easier to talk about a difficult subject among a group of people who, not only relate to your trauma, but have similar experiences that they need to bring out into the open? You can only get better in an environment of support. But, you Ladies are normally so good at being able to talk about your problems to each other, you shouldn't need a man to tell you that. Maybe we are good for something besides an occasional roll in the hay:rolleyes:.
I would end this by saying that this is just my humble opinion, but Ladies, this IS my experience dealing with my own PTSD, and I'd rather harm myself than cause harm to any of you with my post. This is one of the steps necessary to recover, letting the light shine on our darkest secrets takes the power out of it.
Try to find a group setting that's not just bullshit, and get involved, it's your life, take it back, fight for it, it's worth fighting for.
Respect,
WarHippy1%
 
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