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Having a rough time with csa

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by SeekingAfrica, May 3, 2018.

  1. SeekingAfrica

    SeekingAfrica Well-Known Member

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    I was raped about 7-almost 8 years ago, and in the aftermath I finally had to start dealing with my CSA experiences. It's been a process with good and horrifying times. Flashbacks about the CSA didn't quite get triggered until few years after my rape. I'd had few over the years, but it was at a time when I didn't quite know what flashbacks were, tried to deal, and ignored them.

    Few years after I was raped, my childhood abuser(relative) got too old and my parents took him in. He had to stay in my childhood room and sleep in my bed. I remember my mom told me in a Skype call, I was nodding a lot and just agreeing like a ghost through the call. I kept thinking, they are letting him sleep in my room, my bed. The moment I closed the call, I started crying hysterically and couldn't stop flashbacks or crying for what turned out to be like 5 hours(really didn't feel like that much).

    It's been a long road with ups and downs since then, as I said. The thing is I am having a week that was so rough mentally and with so many problems practically, that it must've pushed that state out of me...The hyper-ptsd state...whatever it's called. When you're all hypervigilant and sensitive and everything feels hard to do and you keep having intrusive thoughts or dissociating or having flashbacks and your body is just in chaos and you go through emotions 20000miles an hour...That vulnerable feeling, like all your skin has been peeled off or something...I don't even know how to describe it, but I've always mostly gotten out of it with time and self-care and more time, and I don't know how to get out of it now...I'm sorry if this is a dumb explanation, my brain feels like a mush, I don't know what to do with myself right now.
     
    littleoc and ladee like this.
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  3. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member

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    First, you are going to be ok. You are being flooded. And it is overwhelming and leaves us feeling very powerless. And your description was perfect. I totally relate.
    Do you have a Therapist that you can call or email, or make an extra appointment with? You spoke of being able to work thru things similar , so using grounding tools is very important... but it almost seems we have to just let it run it's course which is very scary and makes us feel very vulnerable..

    So not to repeat what you may already be using as grounding tools, do you mind sharing what you do?
    And reminding you, it takes a lot of courage to reach out when we are like this... tho we are not right there with you, you are not alone. Glad you let us know what is going on.

    If you need some suggestions for grounding, let us know, we will help... call your T if you have one, and let us know how we can help you. This is a very lonely and scary place to be. Been there many times myself... sending gentle hugs, if you accept, to let you know we understand... and you are not alone.
     
    littleoc likes this.
  4. SeekingAfrica

    SeekingAfrica Well-Known Member

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    @ladee thank you! I am so frozen I had to order food to have something. The guy came to bring the food just now and I almost jumped out of my skin from the sound of the bell.

    I can't afford going to my previous T, I haven't been there in a year, so that isn't an option.

    Grounding...I use to take a lot of baths and that was helpful. Writing in a journal...writing in anonymous fanfic for a show online(I started it to vent once upon a time and has now become full story with life of its own and people that follow it). I take some extra time for grooming, facemasks, doing my nails, small things like that. Drawing. Talking to a friend. Watching a favorite TV show or funny Youtube videos. Exercising and dance until I'm out of breath. But the problem is I manage to apply these mostly when I'm in better state, bad state but not quite so bad, all these things steer me away from getting in such state.

    Right now? I feel like I'm sleepwalking. I stare right through whatever I'm watching and can't concentrate. I can't get myself to do things, or I feel if I do them I'll ruin something...(like for example if I write in my venting fanfic, I'll forget to follow the story and I'll drift it in so dark direction...).I feel too frozen to create things or move and too vulnerable to take baths or similar. I suppose it's an option to sleep it off and hope in the morning it's better enough to be able to do those things.

    Right now I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not disgusting, I have this feeling like I'm useless and therefore putting all this effort in self-care is wasteful:(.
     
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  5. SeekingAfrica

    SeekingAfrica Well-Known Member

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    I can definitely use some. Tonight is really hard.
     
    ladee likes this.
  6. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member

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    There are so many, and many of us have come up with our own... I can share some I do when I am in so much physical pain I feel I am loosing my grasp on reality...
    One, and this one is very distracting and relaxing for me.. even if you have trouble concentrating, keep trying, it may work.. I just get comfortable, and see different things in the room, an outline them with my eyes.. if you have ceiling tiles, that is a good place, or a plant with leaves.... sounds stupid... but it is grounding... do it slowly, just let your eyes roam over the outline of something, then look at something else ..

    You can try to pick out things in the room that is different colors. Pick colors you like . just do one color at a time...

    Make sure you are hydrated... this sounds simple, but we do forget to drink water or juice and keeping our self hydrated when feeling like this is important.

    Another one I do is, get some paper and put one word at the top... Something with a lot of letters... like Washington, or Inspection, or adventure... any word will do... and then see how many words you can make out of the original word.. again, silly, but it works for distraction...

    When you get ready for bed, get comfortable, and then start at your toes, and think about relaxing your toes, do this until you start to feel a little relief,, then your foot, then your ankle.. I never get past my knees, regardless of how stressed I am and I'm out...

    These may not help at all, and hopefully others will share some things that work for them... hope you start to find some peace soon... we can only be on overdrive for so long , then it really takes a toll... sending peaceful energy your way, and hope things get better for you.
     
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