nov_silence
Gold Member
My husband has always been my rock, at times even my caretaker. He is the first person in my life that treated me with unconditional compassion and tenderness... something I NEVER got as a child. After all the work I have done, I am able to care for myself more, regulate feelings better.... It has been a ROUGH year. And it really took it out of him. His PTSD stuff has flared and he stuffed his feelings, his fears, his depression away from me bc he felt like it wouldn't help my recovery.
Now that things are on a more "even playing field" he doesn't know how to interact with me... and me with him. We have talked about this. We know that we love each other and we are still in love... but it's like we are dating again. I know that I use sex to connect.. more so than affection. And we haven't made love in months. Affection was always harder for me than sex due to my abuse: being sexual with my abuser met that i would get "loving" attention. It was like the price I had to pay and I did so willingly bc I didn't feel like my parents loved me. But Scott feels like in order for us to have sex, that we need to emotionally connect. I admit that I don't know how to do this. And I feel lonely and very sad. We do kiss and share hugs, but not in an ongoing affectionate way. Not that we need to be like two honry teenagers. I miss the connection. And I find myself thinking about guy friends... but wanting to be hurt by them, sexually. To be forced, or controlled. I do "re-enact" the sexual abuse to quell thoughts of desire, wanting or "needing" something or someone, when I am confused, feel lost or have done something that I feel is wrong. I have been doing the re-enactment stuff (self harm really) daily.
I miss my husband. I tell him so. I don't want to have an affair. I know we need counseling. I just needed to share this. Thanks
Now that things are on a more "even playing field" he doesn't know how to interact with me... and me with him. We have talked about this. We know that we love each other and we are still in love... but it's like we are dating again. I know that I use sex to connect.. more so than affection. And we haven't made love in months. Affection was always harder for me than sex due to my abuse: being sexual with my abuser met that i would get "loving" attention. It was like the price I had to pay and I did so willingly bc I didn't feel like my parents loved me. But Scott feels like in order for us to have sex, that we need to emotionally connect. I admit that I don't know how to do this. And I feel lonely and very sad. We do kiss and share hugs, but not in an ongoing affectionate way. Not that we need to be like two honry teenagers. I miss the connection. And I find myself thinking about guy friends... but wanting to be hurt by them, sexually. To be forced, or controlled. I do "re-enact" the sexual abuse to quell thoughts of desire, wanting or "needing" something or someone, when I am confused, feel lost or have done something that I feel is wrong. I have been doing the re-enactment stuff (self harm really) daily.
I miss my husband. I tell him so. I don't want to have an affair. I know we need counseling. I just needed to share this. Thanks