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Sufferer Headlocked - Abused By Parents, 23 & Struggling To Know My Purpose In Life

Thread starter #1
Hello, I discovered this site thanks to the magnificent Pete Walker and his book CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving.

**I accidentally posted my introduction before it was finished lol and I couldn't edit it! So here is what I really wanted it to say:

It's a bittersweet feeling introducing myself on this forum. At 23 years old I'm struggling to know my purpose in life. Oftentimes I think I should have just died when I was a baby and my father came into my room and suffocated me because I wouldn't stop crying. I never would have actually known that either if he didn't tell me later on when I was 11. I can still see him laughing and rocking back and forth as if what he just said wasn't horrifying...and that's only the beginning. The shit storm of my life only got worse and worse and worse. I ended up living with (and taking care of) my narcissistic mother whose chronic pain eventually lead to a drug addiction. It was psychological warfare living with her, sprinkled in with physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. What a recipe.

However, I know that things won't always feel this way. That I will make it out of this haze one day. The choices I've made along the way have saved me from a lifetime of giving in to the insanity. My parents are poor excuses for human beings, and I am the way I am in spite of them. I'll call this phase of my life growing pains. I'll come out of it stronger.
 
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#2
Welcome @Ash3, I see that your account isn't active at the moment. I hope you feel able to come back and find a bit of peace in these forums. They have certainly helped me. Not only with connecting with people who understand and have had similar experiences, but to learn about PTSD, thought processes, therapy, healing.

The part of your story you have shared : I can hear the pain it has caused. I'm so sorry that happened to you. That is traumatic for a little baby to experience, and then for a 11 year old to hear about and try to make sense of. I'm sorry.
 
Thread starter #5
Welcome @Ash3, I see that your account isn't active at the moment. I hope you feel able to come back and find a bit of peace in these forums. They have certainly helped me. Not only with connecting with people who understand and have had similar experiences, but to learn about PTSD, thought processes, therapy, healing.

The part of your story you have shared : I can hear the pain it has caused. I'm so sorry that happened to you. That is traumatic for a little baby to experience, and then for a 11 year old to hear about and try to make sense of. I'm sorry.
Thank you for your words of kindness. I'm not gone, I made new account so I could finish the introduction in the way I wanted. That is the perfectionist in me that I will one day learn to use to my advantage instead of destruction. I still feel insecure about sharing what I did. It felt like an emotional dump, but I know this is a safe space and I am looking forward to the healing and peace these forums can bring!
 
#6
It felt like an emotional dump, but I know this is a safe space and I am looking forward to the healing and peace these forums can bring!
Nothing wrong with an emotional dump (if that is what it was for you)! My T keeps reminding me of that.
The beauty of these forums is that no one knows who you are, so you can share as much as you feel comfortable. Likelihood is that people will have had similar experiences. But even if they didn't, we're all here because of trauma. So we all understand the feelings of shame, guilt, struggles with self worth and acceptance etc etc etc.
 
#7
At 23 years old I'm struggling to know my purpose in life.
A very normal feeling. Some go their entire life without really knowing the answer. I like to encourage people to explore life as much as possible, take risks, and find what you love to do and where you fit. Getting philosophical, one could argue that even being homeless is a purpose, as it may inspire another to give themselves to help the homeless. Without drug addicts we would not have people who help those very people. Yes, there are negatives that come with such things, but there are also positives. People find purpose in both positive and negative attributes of life.

Don't beat yourself up on finding purpose. Some discover theirs early, others never, and some everything in-between.

Oftentimes I think I should have just died when I was a baby and my father came into my room and suffocated me because I wouldn't stop crying.
I still wonder how I'm alive today, and think I should be dead based on things I have done and just the stress I feel on my body from PTSD.
I never would have actually known that either if he didn't tell me later on when I was 11. I can still see him laughing and rocking back and forth as if what he just said wasn't horrifying...and that's only the beginning.
Sorry to hear that. I wonder why some people don't just shut their mouth at times, let alone they find it amusing when it has obviously traumatised you. Some people in this world truly are just oxygen thieves.

However, I know that things won't always feel this way. That I will make it out of this haze one day. The choices I've made along the way have saved me from a lifetime of giving in to the insanity. My parents are poor excuses for human beings, and I am the way I am in spite of them. I'll call this phase of my life growing pains. I'll come out of it stronger.
And that is the crux that some never learn, or accept. Our past is our past. It shapes us, but we chose to let it define who we are today and into our future. We can learn and change, or we just repeat and make excuses. So well done Ash. Truly, well done. That is a lesson that just can't be taught, but you have to truly accept for yourself and use to build the foundation of a positive life / lifestyle, that you want to live, the person you want to be. We are our choices. The faster people learn, accept and change their choices, the faster things improve in a persons life.
 
Thread starter #8
A very normal feeling. Some go their entire life without really knowing the answer. I like to encourage people to explore life as much as possible, take risks, and find what you love to do and where you fit. Getting philosophical, one could argue that even being homeless is a purpose, as it may inspire another to give themselves to help the homeless. Without drug addicts we would not have people who help those very people. Yes, there are negatives that come with such things, but there are also positives. People find purpose in both positive and negative attributes of life.

Don't beat yourself up on finding purpose. Some discover theirs early, others never, and some everything in-between.


I still wonder how I'm alive today, and think I should be dead based on things I have done and just the stress I feel on my body from PTSD.

Sorry to hear that. I wonder why some people don't just shut their mouth at times, let alone they find it amusing when it has obviously traumatised you. Some people in this world truly are just oxygen thieves.


And that is the crux that some never learn, or accept. Our past is our past. It shapes us, but we chose to let it define who we are today and into our future. We can learn and change, or we just repeat and make excuses. So well done Ash. Truly, well done. That is a lesson that just can't be taught, but you have to truly accept for yourself and use to build the foundation of a positive life / lifestyle, that you want to live, the person you want to be. We are our choices. The faster people learn, accept and change their choices, the faster things improve in a persons life.
Thank you so much Anthony. I truly appreciate all of your insights and encouraging words. It has honestly helped me in ways I wasn't anticipating. Just posting on this site has, it's wonderful to know there are other who just understand.
 
#10
Hello, I discovered this site thanks to the magnificent Pete Walker and his book CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving.

**I accidentally posted my introduction before it was finished lol and I couldn't edit it! So here is what I really wanted it to say:

It's a bittersweet feeling introducing myself on this forum. At 23 years old I'm struggling to know my purpose in life. Oftentimes I think I should have just died when I was a baby and my father came into my room and suffocated me because I wouldn't stop crying. I never would have actually known that either if he didn't tell me later on when I was 11. I can still see him laughing and rocking back and forth as if what he just said wasn't horrifying...and that's only the beginning. The shit storm of my life only got worse and worse and worse. I ended up living with (and taking care of) my narcissistic mother whose chronic pain eventually lead to a drug addiction. It was wpsychological warfare living with her, sprinkled in with physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. What a recipe.

However, I know that things won't always feel this way. That I will make it out of this haze one day. The choices I've made along the way have saved me from a lifetime of giving in to the insanity. My parents are poor excuses for human beings, and I am the way I am in spite of them. I'll call this phase of my life growing pains. I'll come out of it stronger.

I think having a purpose in life is critical for good mental health. When I left teaching as a result of a bully situation, I took a dive. I no longer had anyone to take care of, I missed being with the kids, and all I've known all my life was teaching. But purpose doesn't have to be overarching....like a job. I've realized that my purpose in life can be to help others.....and that gives me a similar feeling as teaching.
Some people are about the environment, they have a cause. Other people are about diving into art, writing, poetry and in that moment that gives them purpose. So as we change....I think so often....our purpose in life changes.....and we go through periods asking ourselves this very question....what is my purpose in life?
For those of us leaving family behind and trying to look at our own issues....purpose changes because in my case....I stopped fixing them and that was a tough transition. It was very lonely.
At that point in life, my purpose was to survive and get stable....living on my own for the first time (there is so much to learn so taking care of me was huge for a while...trying to find balance and security, and be a little more selfish in the process....your purpose is what you need to make you stronger, confident, and feeling better about who you are.....and moving towards independence and security and contentment. That's my thoughts anyway. Good luck find your purpose...
 
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