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Sexual Assault Healing from rape

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I don't know what to call my assault. So I call it rape. End of story. But it took me 3.5 years to get to that 'end of story' decision, and I still battle with it every minute of every day.

In my opinion, though, step 1 from healing from a rape is to stop fighting with the definition. Rape, sexual assault, that event. Whatever happened and whatever the extent, whether his penis, his finger, his tongue, his knife, or nothing at all went into your body, it was rape. Whether he held you down or just scared you emotionally. Whether you knew him or not. Because mentally, emotionally, maybe even physically, you prepared for rape, and you experienced rape.

I know that may be a controversial stance, but it is one I hold paramount in my journey to recovery. I was raped. And now, I can begin to process what happened. I can stop lying to my therapist. I can stop putting myself in dangerous situations simply to cope with what he stole.

And I am posting this because I need to tell someone just how I feel, but also because I need to share with every survivor an incredible and free resource I came across. You may have seen it already, but for those who haven't, this workbook is helping me through - second only to actual therapy: Resurrection After Rape (follow the link on the author's website for a free pdf copy).

Take care of your beautiful self, and if you have great resources to help find your way through this healing process, I'd love to know!
 
I cycled from "molested" to "sexually abused" to "raped" when it came to my brother. There was forcible oral penetration. I was raped. Took me awhile to use that word, though.
 
I always referred to mine as "gray rape" til the flashbacks started filling in what really happened. My friend that knows what happened looks at me like I am crazy when I start to shift back into denial or self blame. The more I process it the angrier I feel. My therapist tells me that I can't carry it around with me for the rest of my life. I sure hope that I don't.
 
Thank you both for reaching back with your similar experiences. It's so healing to know I am not alone with making this hard terminology decision.

@Simply Simon Thank you for reaching out with your experience. It sounds so hard to be going through this obstacle with family involved. And @TexCat your therapist's words are so powerful! He/she sounds like a keeper. And I agree, this won't be something we carry around forever! Even though it most certainly changed so many of us, there's no way the traumatic recoil of it all will stick around forever. I have faith! (Mostly because my therapist told me she was assaulted, and she is probably the most cheerful, live-her-life gal I've ever met, even with that past! There's so much to look forward to!)
 
Thank you both for reaching back with your similar experiences. It's so healing to know I am not...
Thank you for that free download link. It is helping me deal with some stuff, better understand why my therapist asks certain things. I have been having a really bad couple of days and that book is giving me comfort.
 
No one can tell you how to feel only you know that, two you need to be honest with your therapist or you will get no where. I know it isn't easy to talk about as I have been there. Beaten, raped and left for dead. Whatever you want to call it, it was a violation of you as a person. And there is nothing more violating then sexual assault.
 
Can anyone comment in regards to the pronouns used in the book? I mean is it geared toward helping _women_ recover from being raped by a _man_?
 
@Abigail7, unfortunately it's rather strongly geared towards women with heterosexual pronouns. It's such a great resource that I wish he had expanded it to include all scenarios, but I wouldn't let that stop you from giving it a shot. If it doesn't seem like a fit, you tried and can put it down.
 
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