Hearing triggers everywhere.

So, I have been pretty well constantly tormented since I can remember being. The monsters always took on one face or another, and they evolved with time. There was trauma from my childhood which I have never fully gotten over, or even really attempted to face or come to terms with, though it affects my life to this very day. Then a few years back I faced some pretty scary things. I was in multiple abusive relationships, and had some business interactions that went badly and caused me to fear for my life.

Now I hear triggers everywhere. Everyone is in on it, nowhere is safe, no one can be trusted. Every day I hear words that trigger me, patterns in speech, common themes and threads throughout all life. Television, radio, conversations, etc. They all tie together in to one crazy big web of insane fear, and terror. The tapestry my mind weaves with every detail of every day life is both masterful, and horrifying.

It is at the point where there seems too much evidence to deny it anymore. There is simply too much to just be written off as coincidence.

I go back and forth between "Am I crazy?", and "Is this real?". I do not know which plausibility I find to be more terrifying to be honest. The thought of being crazy seems scary, and it is, but I could handle being a little crazy, because then I could knowing that convince myself that I am safe, and that no one wants to hurt me. If I am not crazy, however, and I am hearing and seeing what I seem to be, then nature, God, and all people have turned against me and want me gone.

It often seems I am on the outside of an inside joke, but that I am the joke. I fear people hate me, despise me, and want me dead. I hear signs everywhere that seem to say that I am going to die soon, and frankly I am so incredibly exhausted emotionally, mentally, and otherwise; not to mention scared that I sometimes just feel I could stress myself out to the point of death, or even take my own life. Sometimes I think that is what they want. It often seems as soon as I can get some joy back, some light back within me, another trigger pulls me right back down.

It is so exhausting to never be able to rest your mind, to have to be super hyper vigilant all the time. Does anyone else have any experience with hearing patterns, or common themes that seem sinister in daily life? I hope you haven't, but it would be nice to know that I am not alone in this...
 
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