Hi all my name's Paul and I'm a 41 year old father of two. I saw near death several times before I was ten and suffered chronic abuse from slightly younger. By the time I was 12 my head had been stamped on over a thousand times. I was left in a crack house to be brought up by my brother(s) hardly got to eat and was too scared to go home often. I was expelled from 3 schools and was placed in a childrens home at 14 and spent 8 years in prison. Between the ages of 11 and 17 I had committed around 40 GBH's and 3/4 attempted murders. I tried to kill myself (over 100 stitches and severed brachial) when I was 17 and have self harmed throughout. I don't see either of my children.
My illness means I struggle to access the right help. I am misdiagnosed a)anxiety and depression b) pathological gambling disorder. Phychiatric reports as a 16 year old said significant symptoms of Schizophrenia and BPD. I have been arrested once for breaking a shop front as an adult. I suffer from extreme anger/fear and suicidal ideation.
I'm a multi skilled craftsman yet my job only lasts so long as I feel comfortable with those around me....sometimes an hour or so. Where I live has impacted me so badly in the last 4 years because of noise disturbances often leaving me walking the streets in despair. Triggered, shaking, raging, fearful. To have to go out in society and try to hide these emotions is sometimes impossible and really traumatic and it's made my gambling problems so much worse. It often can leave me starving for days.
The toll that all of this has taken on me physically is slowly killing me I can't even make a sandwich without getting in a terrible rage. For instance if I drop a knife because I'm shaky I can explode and smash a load of stuff up in less than a moment. I can be jumpy at most things. My senses are super hyper which crosses over into situations where I'm not in danger and would come across as paranoia if you could see my thoughts at times. I'm not always right. I'm well aware of what's going on and I self isolate from everything and everyone if I have peace at home and most of the time sit still, thoughts going round and round. My 6th night awake today with no sleep.
Years of symptoms point to CPTSD. So many factors that point to this and the latest being my jaws making a cracking sound TMJ comorbid with PTSD and it hurts so bad when it happens...like having your jaw broken. I've suffered chronic pains all over for 3 years now. I've tried so hard with every positive element of my life to be completely undermined by this illness at every turn and have got to a point where I don't want to be awake anymore. My dreams have slowly vanished and my fight with gambling brings about a realisation that things will never ever get better. I'm also a lifelong Cannabis addict. Have been on and off last 5 years and hardly use any now.
I'm really worried for me because I can't come back from this anymore because nobody understands or is willing to try and make a difference when I have so much going on. I finally come to the conclusion that there really is only one way out for me. I can't keep going round and round in this circle anymore I hate myself for being so aggressive and it's really hard to maintain my persona. I smash everything up all the time. I busted two metacarpals once.
My friends are all from a bad childhood and most have terrible addictions. The only real thing that's stopped me from having another serious attempt at suicide IS my illness and inability to conclude and see things through in general. It's getting to the point now though where might HAVE to because I'm not growing old like this. My heart is hurting so much and all I want is to find a beautiful gentle women and see all the children that I can smile, laugh and grow. Please help before I give up...I've been through too much to give....
So this was a post I made last December so from here on is now.
The worst part of this year has been losing my van. This has really my symptoms to to front because on the bus I get really edgy with all the noise and have got up and shouted at other passengers and had to get off a few times. I keep running at cars. I wont go in the local shops because of problems at home. My head makes me walk 15 miles to go and get the most basic essentials. It's really stressful as it's a noisy busy road. My heads that bad I've stopped going to work right now.
Earlier this year when i lost my van i spent 4 days on the trott leaving my flat in Findon and walking to Brighton and back. I messed around with the payment more than likely because of stuff that's been happening at my home. After the fourth day of starving I went and threw a rock through my mums window.
This is where it gets really complicated. I rented a flat from my mum and her husband. Its rat infested, it mould like half inch thick in many areas. It was given original planning for craft rooms and refused 4 times for flats. Without doing the work required my mum and her husband managed to wrangle it on to via and after doing two houses up for them 300k the rented me this flat. Theres one continuous floor that serve two flats over offices. The floor is hollow and there are holes in the floor to the office below.
Below was an organisation called independent living who specialise in helping people with conditions like mine. The knew exactly how to upset me all the time and was spurred on by my mums husband. As all the rent for the first 3 months she hid from him. In turn he refused to buy gas for the hot water or address the constant slamming of heavy doors from beneath and cars pulling right up to where my heads asleep on loud speaker at 6 am. They would come in the office at midnight and 4 am and this sort of stuff. New years party 10 of them banging on my ceiling til I snapped. They kept leaving a fan on that was jammed against a soil pipe that's mounted on the floor and makes it vibrate. Droning sometimes for days. Hell they come up and put heaters on and left the lights on all night. I had pictures of them boxing my van in against a wall. I'm sorry if some of you know them but they made my life hell.
One day when they left the fan on I put all their windows through. This was after they had started eviction proceedings. I proved to the court I had paid rent for the 15 months and they agreed to give half of my money back and then sent an eviction instead. I had photo of everything including what they had been doing to me. I got evicted and there claim for 50k was thrown out. I got nicked for for both sets windows. I slashed my arms the day after I did that to my mums window.
I've been so I'll and distressed all year. I was the only bricklayer out of around 50 not to get sacked on one job and my started being awkward. My next boss messed around with every pay day which has meant after starving most of the week it's been prolonged.....so frustrating. I would go for a walk and get coffee and after 5 hours of walking around would end up having to nick alcohol because of stress and my dinner at times. It means that I had months of working 1 week and having three off. I kept going back to him like a lemon but I had some freedom alone there at times. I was evicted mid November and I haven't moved since or eaten hardly a thing. My blinds down Same clothes on. Haven't brushed my teeth.
I'm so paranoid as well. I have so many triggers with regards to attitude and appearance. Its killing me and every interaction I have be it man or woman. I think there's a link between the gambling and paranoia and my suspicion of cheating and match fixing. I think I know the outcome and say if start with 1000 by the time I've caved in from the drain of it I've bet over 100k it kind of never ends for me. I think every ones out to harm me. I just can't stop shaking and exploding at noises. My gamblings been probably best year since 23. I'm at this point right now where I'm due a whole year of pip and I don't know what the award is but I hope I can finally move on from the hell at home.
I'm going to pay to see a proper PTSD specialist if i can afford it. Medications do help but I end up taking the whole box because the slightly dampen symptoms but not enough. Regardless there will be so many benefits of getting the correct diagnosis. I'm literally 10.8 stone and this condition is making me square up to 14/18 muscle bound men. It's making me want jump on the railway line it's making me want jump off high rise scaffolding at work it's making me want to choke myself to the point I've already changed the hook round on a lorry ratchet. It's making me want chain lead to my feet and walk out in to the see... taped a bag over my head 7 days on the trot and when I finally got it right with my hands cabled tied to a rope that passed under the door i managed to get up because i couldn't take it and rip my hands apart.
My cousin OD'd and died two weeks ago. My nan died a day later. It's so extreme how im feeling and quite often very very scared and nervous. To think I probably have got chronic PTSD and instead of getting the mental help I was sent to prison because I had become very dangerous. I cut this big guy's throat as a group of them had cornered my friend.
There was a lot of abuse as a kid at home. Nasty drunk who would throw me around the room when I was 9 when I was about 4 my brother had a toy gun in his mouth. Someone had seloptaped the broken end back on it. He was black and my mum wasn't coming. He was ok in the end. I got trapped between railway at 5 with my bike as the au pair wasn't looking. I rolled a car mat around this time and hit my elder brother till he wasnt moving. I was scared a lot then. I was put in the front car and told to keep my foot down as it bump started and nearly crushed the owner and hit this massive wall as the idiot was trying to steer holding onto the handle above with his feet off the floor. I was steering the wrong way and when we hit the I span the wheel round and crashed into my mum and boyfriend car caving all four panels in. I was only about 8 years old....I used to wash his car and hed got me to Hoover the inside with a dirt devil which wiped the battery out. I was getting violent at school from around 6 having ripped a girls earing out for joining me...
please help me because if I can move to somewhere peaceful there's hope for me I can play my trade anywhere and I need to be alive for the children that know me or are related. The one thing that hit me about my cousin is his first child his girl has only just turnt 4.....very sad. Can you let me know your thoughts please and if anyone can recommend an outgoing laid back ptsd specialist I love to hear from you. Thank you all.
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