Sufferer Hello (again). CSA. Physical abuse. SA as an adult. Drug user. Dealer. Runaway. Bullied. Kicked out of home as a teenager.

Waterbear

Confident
Hi,

I just wanted to hop back onto the site as I've been absent a fair while, and even when I wasn't absent all I did was dip in and out, probably because the thought of trauma still triggers me, but me and my new T are really starting to dive into this whole trauma thing and I am feeling like I could really do with a greater support network. I've been in therapy for 6 and a half years now, but with Covid and losing my long term T I am only really still counting it as 5 years (if that!) It's been a real slog - probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know it has made a massive difference to my life so far and I feel like I am too far down the line to stop, despite wanting to almost every session at the moment.

I am guessing here is where I should say a bit about me. It's hard but I'll do my best. Yep, and that's where words fail me. I was used. Used and mistreated and not cared for emotionally. I learnt at a very early age that the only person that could be trusted was me. No-one else. CSA. Physical abuse. SA as an adult. Drug user. Dealer. Runaway. . Bullied. Kicked out of home as a teenager.

One of my biggest challenges in therapy and in healing from these traumas is how strong the protective parts of me are. They just hold on to it all so damn tightly that I can't seem to get close to it. Only in the last couple of years have I come to accept that what happened to me was (probably) real and that is was traumatic, though owning that is still a real challenge sometimes. I couldn't even think that word a few years ago, let alone write it out in a public space. I even wrote it in front of my therapist today, so I know I am making progress but by god is it slow going. Apparently I suffer from dissociation a lot, though again that's a bit of a new revelation for me. I never really knew what it was or why it happened to people, but now I understand it a bit better and I can see that I do shut down, become physically stuck, disappear into my own little world, retreat to the internal safety of my mind etc. especially in therapy.

I struggle a lot with putting a voice to what happened to me. I struggle a lot with putting a voice to a lot of the harder subjects in general, both in life and with my therapist, and we are still learning how to communicate really, it's less than a year that we have been working together and I am still very much on the fence as to whether she can be trusted or not (in my rational mind I know she probably can, but it doesn't feel like it when I am there). Must say though it took a good couple of years with my Ex T and she was incredible, so I am sure it is just me being me, not that I should have any doubts about her, if that makes sense.

Anyway, that's enough from me, just to say 'hey' and hopefully I will be able to find a spot somewhere here that I can fit in.

WB
 

AngelKeeperJ

Sponsor
Welcome @Waterbear! You’ve found a special site! I’m sorry that you have experienced trauma in childhood, too, and that you suffered (and still suffer from) the effects of that trauma.

Refusing to give up is the biggest piece of advice I would give to anyone asking…because progress CAN be made if a person wants to change.

Reaching out is vital as well, so glad to hear that you are working with a T. For me, asking for help was always the hardest part of PTSD/depression/anxiety…

But nowadays I know when my emotional and mental health is slipping and I take action. I have a good support system now, and I have even started to love myself. One day at a time is all I/we can do.

Best of blessings being sent your way!
AKJ

☮️💜
 
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