Sufferer Hello - CPTSD From Abusive Childhood - Masters Student Struggling With Memory & Recall Issues Making School & Job Seeking Difficult

CymoneS

New Here
Hello. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD a couple of years ago, although its only been over the last year or so that I've accepted that I have it. Its kind of weird thing to say but I didn't feel "worthy" like what I went through in my childhood wasn't anywhere as bad as some and certainly not like what someone whose been in war.

The one plus with this whole covid stay at home stuff is its given me time to learn more about C-PTSD and once I finally started to see and hear what over people where saying about their own internal dialogue I finally started to see the footprints of it everywhere in my life.

I grew up with an verbally abusive alcoholic father. I felt growing up that I was his favorite verbal punching bag and no matter how hard I tried to not draw attention to myself I was always felt like I was on eggshells. I never knew what I would say or do that would cause him to focus on me. My dad spent my entire childhood as an alcoholic and didn't quit drinking until I was like 21. I thought I had dealt with things and to a certain extent I had, I just didn't know that I had a emotional ticking time bomb in my head. When I was younger (I'm 44 now) I was intensely angry at him and then I had this epiphany that the only person I was hurting with my anger was me. He wasn't going to be changed by it or affected by it. I've always been a little scattered but for the most part I was able to function but about ten years ago I began starting to struggle and it has just become exhausting to deal with.

My relationship with my dad now is good. His drinking started to get really bad when I was around three and I had nothing to reference what I saw and experienced with him against. My sister is almost seven years older then me and had at least some memories of him sober (or more so) whereas all I knew was the alcoholic. As an adult I've come to learn more about his childhood and can see how it primed him to become an alcoholic. In some ways my sister and I were really lucky that he was the way he was as he grew up with a verbally and physically abusive alcoholic mother. He witnessed his older sister getting the crap beat out of her for his entire childhood. On both sides of my family there is a history of depression and anxiety.

Both my father and I have almost no actually memories of our childhoods. I've always had to ask my mother and sister about how I was as a kid 'cuz I can't remember. There are things that you think I would remember like getting slapped by my grandmother for apparently being "smart", my sister remembers it clearly. I can literally remember when I was about 13 and I had seen a documentary on cancer and I remember watching how they would remove a little bit of good tissue as well as the bad to make sure they got everything. My 13 year old brain reasoned I could do the same thing with bad memories and experiences and I understood I would lose good things too but I felt like it was the only way to cope. I used to have a good memory but in the last five or six years its gotten so bad I literally have to turn around and go ask someone to repeat instructions after only taking a few steps away.

Because I was constantly being criticized and derided I developed a harsh internal critic but I had been able to learn things to counter that tendency. Somewhere in the last few years I have gone from being very critical of myself to thinking of myself as a f*ckup. Like in my head its never if I will f*ck up but when and how. As a kid I was called stupid and fat and lazy constantly. I developed a fear of looking or doing something stupid of failing and now its so bad my body physically fights me when I'm trying to answer a question or just have a conversation. It doesn't matter if I've just met you or known you forever I can instantly become fearful of being judged.

I am a master's student but I've really struggled during the program and I don't know if I'm going to be able to finish it one because I made a mistake that may get me kicked out of the program but even if allowed to finish I don't know if I'll be able to physically do the verbal defense. I'm also afraid that because of the struggles I've had with my memory and learning that I may not remember or know what I should after going through the program. Sometimes I know things but I can't recall it unless I look something up and then it'll be like oh yeah I know this. But that inability to recall things is particular an problem during job interviews, I hate when they ask stuff like tell me about a time when.... I am struggling with that right now as my job ended so I"m looking for work.

P.S.

I wish that the prefix thing wasn't required as I do not use the word sufferer in regards to myself. I have an extremely strong aversion to using words like sufferer or victim for me it implies a lack of choice. When I was a kid yes they would have been applicable but I feel as an adult they are just another way of holding myself back or labeling myself negativity. Maybe that'll change as I learn to fix my thought processes and behaviors. The issue with labels goes back to my childhood. It would be nice if there were other options or there was the ability to opt out of the prefix thing. This may just be me and how my brain works.
 
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EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome!

as I understand it, the word “sufferer” is just to identify those of us who have ptsd VS those who support us VS other people who come here as researchers, etc. I don’t read too much into it.

I’ve never been big on labels in general so I also don’t care if I’m called a victim or a survivor. My mind reasons that I was a victim because I was abused and I’m also a survivor (as we all are) simply because we are still alive.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome @CymoneS, sorry for the reasons you are here, but very glad you found us.

One of the great things, out of many, of being here, is no one compares trauma. There are many people here who had it a lot worse than me, but I still belong. I still need validation for my feelings and experiences.

You will find many who started out believing as you do. It just wasn't 'that' bad. But yes, it was. Your mind and body are paying the consequences of something out of your control.

Hope you read some threads that resonates with you. None of us want to belong here, but very grateful for this place of healing.

I relate a lot to the foggy brain. I had another trauma last year and am still foggy-brained, but I also dissociate a lot, so there is more than one reason for not remembering. There is nothing wrong with you. There are tons of things right with you. You don't have to believe me, just give yourself a chance.

Take your time, get comfortable and share when and if you feel like it.

You aren't alone anymore. We do understand.
 
R

Rhi

Hello. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD a couple of years ago, although its only been over the last year or so that I've accepted that I have it. Its kind of weird thing to say but I didn't feel "worthy" like what I went through in my childhood wasn't anywhere as bad as some and certainly not like what someone whose been in war.

The one plus with this whole covid stay at home stuff is its given me time to learn more about C-PTSD and once I finally started to see and hear what over people where saying about their own internal dialogue I finally started to see the footprints of it everywhere in my life.

I grew up with an verbally abusive alcoholic father. I felt growing up that I was his favorite verbal punching bag and no matter how hard I tried to not draw attention to myself I was always felt like I was on eggshells. I never knew what I would say or do that would cause him to focus on me. My dad spent my entire childhood as an alcoholic and didn't quit drinking until I was like 21. I thought I had dealt with things and to a certain extent I had, I just didn't know that I had a emotional ticking time bomb in my head. When I was younger (I'm 44 now) I was intensely angry at him and then I had this epiphany that the only person I was hurting with my anger was me. He wasn't going to be changed by it or affected by it. I've always been a little scattered but for the most part I was able to function but about ten years ago I began starting to struggle and it has just become exhausting to deal with.

My relationship with my dad now is good. His drinking started to get really bad when I was around three and I had nothing to reference what I saw and experienced with him against. My sister is almost seven years older then me and had at least some memories of him sober (or more so) whereas all I knew was the alcoholic. As an adult I've come to learn more about his childhood and can see how it primed him to become an alcoholic. In some ways my sister and I were really lucky that he was the way he was as he grew up with a verbally and physically abusive alcoholic mother. He witnessed his older sister getting the crap beat out of her for his entire childhood. On both sides of my family there is a history of depression and anxiety.

Both my father and I have almost no actually memories of our childhoods. I've always had to ask my mother and sister about how I was as a kid 'cuz I can't remember. There are things that you think I would remember like getting slapped by my grandmother for apparently being "smart", my sister remembers it clearly. I can literally remember when I was about 13 and I had seen a documentary on cancer and I remember watching how they would remove a little bit of good tissue as well as the bad to make sure they got everything. My 13 year old brain reasoned I could do the same thing with bad memories and experiences and I understood I would lose good things too but I felt like it was the only way to cope. I used to have a good memory but in the last five or six years its gotten so bad I literally have to turn around and go ask someone to repeat instructions after only taking a few steps away.

Because I was constantly being criticized and derided I developed a harsh internal critic but I had been able to learn things to counter that tendency. Somewhere in the last few years I have gone from being very critical of myself to thinking of myself as a f*ckup. Like in my head its never if I will f*ck up but when and how. As a kid I was called stupid and fat and lazy constantly. I developed a fear of looking or doing something stupid of failing and now its so bad my body physically fights me when I'm trying to answer a question or just have a conversation. It doesn't matter if I've just met you or known you forever I can instantly become fearful of being judged.

I am a master's student but I've really struggled during the program and I don't know if I'm going to be able to finish it one because I made a mistake that may get me kicked out of the program but even if allowed to finish I don't know if I'll be able to physically do the verbal defense. I'm also afraid that because of the struggles I've had with my memory and learning that I may not remember or know what I should after going through the program. Sometimes I know things but I can't recall it unless I look something up and then it'll be like oh yeah I know this. But that inability to recall things is particular an problem during job interviews, I hate when they ask stuff like tell me about a time when.... I am struggling with that right now as my job ended so I"m looking for work.

P.S.

I wish that the prefix thing wasn't required as I do not use the word sufferer in regards to myself. I have an extremely strong aversion to using words like sufferer or victim for me it implies a lack of choice. When I was a kid yes they would have been applicable but I feel as an adult they are just another way of holding myself back or labeling myself negativity. Maybe that'll change as I learn to fix my thought processes and behaviors. The issue with labels goes back to my childhood. It would be nice if there were other options or there was the ability to opt out of the prefix thing. This may just be me and how my brain works.
Hi, I also have CPTSD. I'm a 21 year old doing the final year of my Chemistry undergrad. I've started doing EMDR and I have realised the extent to which my mental health has been damaged. I also have major issues with my memory and I have decided to give up drinking and any other substances. I'm thinking of doing postgrad medicine and have the same fears, but also with the stress that comes with it.
 
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