Sufferer Hello, fng here… Police & Ministry. Dealing with death and misery.

Jafo

New Here
I am a guy suffering from ptsd. I spent nearly 20 years as a police officer seeing terrible things and when I left that profession I did some other things and then felt I was called to ministry which I did for a few years and my ptsd came back from dealing with death and misery.

I've also caused misery in my family from being miserable all the time and I've been living away from my family for a few months now and I have very little hope that I will one day be back with my family.

I go to sleep each night hoping and praying that God will just let me go to sleep and not wake up. Unfortunately that's hasn't happened!

So each day I crawl out if bed dreading the day ahead and hoping that he will soon grant my prayer. I don't believe in suicide as I've seen what that does to not only families but those who respond to these types of calls.

I am so very tired of life and as Winston Churchill said "I've grown bored with it all."

I have a counselor and I've expressed these thought to her. I've sought answers in the bible and everyone refers me to Job but that doesn't help me.

I almost feel as though this is God's way of punishing me for my screwed up llfe.

I have no friends anymore so I don't have anyone to talk to and I miss having a friend to just hang out with or just talk to. The loneliness I feel sucks and I'm not real good at letting people get to know me on a friend level. I feel as though I should just go live in the woods since that's kind of where I am on an emotional level.

I feel broken and unfixable at this point in my life and I have little hope for the future.
 
Welcome to the forum:)

Too often, when someone gets ptsd, they get depression as a free add-on, which really sucks. I've been in that boat myself, and ptsd is more than enough.

If it helps at all, folks on this forum consider running away from it all on a fairly regular basis. So, you're in good company! We have a tonne of very active posts in our Social Forum which you might find some kind of relief in.

Either way, welcome aboard!
 
@Jafo Welcome to the forum! I have deep respect for one who has been a police officer…THANK YOU for your service! Then to become a minister shows even more of your heart…even though you have had a super rough road…with a lot of fallout along the way!

It IS time to get some relief and healing…which ARE possible! I’m a living testimony to how much one can change and grow no matter how old they are. I am 65 and can say that I have reached a level of healing I never thought was possible. God IS listening…his timing has never lined up with mine…but it’s been just right!

I promise you. are. not. broken. I spent many nights praying I wouldn’t wake up, but like you, have seen the horrible pain that suicide leaves on everyone you love, and even strangers.

You haven’t given up, God keeps waking you up everyday so your mission here on earth is not over. I believe God can make good come from even the worst of circumstances.

I also believe that our pain…our struggles and our path can and will help others through their own journey. Eventually. First, we have to put the ‘oxygen mask’ on ourselves so that we can be the person we are meant to be.

For a little context…I am a preacher’s kid who was married and divorced 4 times, my 2nd child, a little girl was born with severe brain damage. After a bitter divorce I had to institutionalize her at 18 months because I couldn’t do it anymore. That led to my first trip to the psych ward. She died in my arms at 11 years old…I have survived a multitude of other things that have knocked me down…and prayer lifted me up.

Sorry for the length of my response…I get a bit wordy….

I pray that you will begin to feel a sense of peace when you least expect it and when. you need it the most.

I’ve been a member here for 10+ years and have been blessed, helped, and encouraged more than I can say.

AKJ
 
And just to ETA for a moment 😎
"I've grown bored with it all."
It’s one of the most dangerous things I know of, boredom.

I didn’t even allow the word itself in my house when my son was little. Instead we used “uninspired”, as that happens to have a solution built into it (what to do when uninspired? Seek inspiration. Interest, passion, curiosity, potential… list goes on… may follow or become a part, but? Step one. Inspiration needed.). No lie. Boredom kills. At least in my world.
 
Hi!

Dispatch/vet here -- and I totally get it.
It took a long time for me to figure out I needed help to deal with my "issues" and not feeling like a total loser for cracking up.
Finding this forum has been a godsend, because I can be honest here in a way I can't with other people and the advice, care and help I get here is just.... amazing.
 
Hiya @Jafo welcome to the site ☺😀.

I have a history of complex trauma and recurrent depression and its taken me 3 years to heal to a point where I think of myself as reasonably healed. I've been a member here for about 4 years, counselling for about 3 years and medication.

I still have moods and panic attacks and insecurities but with the help of new friends and people to talk to I'm 10x better and feel reasonably happy!!! 😀

There are some great articles here and lots of supportive people. Get involved with people, talk and share. Get rid of all those thoughts and feelings that we "bottle up".
 
Thank you all for your input. I am trying to overcome these things that haunt me and sometimes they get the best of me.

I appreciate your reaching out and I look forward to getting to know you all as time goes on.

There are no ptsd groups to talk about this stuff unless you're a veteran and go to the VA.

Many cops and ems suffer silently because they have no place to go.

Thank you all again for your support and offers of friendship. It's something I've not had in many years.
 
Ditto @Freida in a different vein… Team Rubicon (Volunteer Disaster Response) is for “Vets & Badass Civilians”.

Similarly? My T specializes in First Response. He sees me (Combat Vet) because we have crossover in Disaster Response, as he volunteers a few months a year overseas. The rest of his clients are mostly LEOs Fire EMS…with a few outliers like yours truly.
 
I am a guy suffering from ptsd. I spent nearly 20 years as a police officer seeing terrible things and when I left that profession I did some other things and then felt I was called to ministry which I did for a few years and my ptsd came back from dealing with death and misery.

I've also caused misery in my family from being miserable all the time and I've been living away from my family for a few months now and I have very little hope that I will one day be back with my family.

I go to sleep each night hoping and praying that God will just let me go to sleep and not wake up. Unfortunately that's hasn't happened!

So each day I crawl out if bed dreading the day ahead and hoping that he will soon grant my prayer. I don't believe in suicide as I've seen what that does to not only families but those who respond to these types of calls.

I am so very tired of life and as Winston Churchill said "I've grown bored with it all."

I have a counselor and I've expressed these thought to her. I've sought answers in the bible and everyone refers me to Job but that doesn't help me.

I almost feel as though this is God's way of punishing me for my screwed up llfe.

I have no friends anymore so I don't have anyone to talk to and I miss having a friend to just hang out with or just talk to. The loneliness I feel sucks and I'm not real good at letting people get to know me on a friend level. I feel as though I should just go live in the woods since that's kind of where I am on an emotional level.

I feel broken and unfixable at this point in my life and I have little hope for the future.
I have been here too. I am so sorry you are feeling so done with life. I get it. I don't want to hurt anyone or make anyone depressed along with me either. I guess that is why we are all here on this site, to see what others are doing/feeling.

My fix for suicidal feelings has been to focus on something to do. I find a class to take - I took baking. It was cool and cheap and I made something. Those little things help a lot. I gave up being happy a long time ago, now I just look to stay busy and the happiness shows up in little bits here and there.

It sounds like you have seen the worst of society and now you are just staying away. Maybe you could try one class/ activity with others where you learn to cook, build, make candy, arrange flowers, etc... I am a hard nut to crack and have found solace in these small funnish things at the community college. I am still in control, but I get to socialize and have other thoughts outside of my panic attacks and rage.

Im a newby here too. Thanks for saying hi, it helped me not feel so broken.

Hugs
 
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