Undiagnosed Hello Internet - It took several anxiety attacks before I considered I might actually have problems that are out of my immediate control.

Not sure where to start or what to say really. My adult life has been one giant mess and until recently I had just assumed I was a f*** up. It took several anxiety attacks before I considered I might actually have problems that are out of my immediate control and that I'm not just a born loser. I'll try to come up with something more coherent, sorry.
 
From the day I was born both of my parents smoked weed. My father was in the military, my mom was a housewife most of the time. My parents divorced twice, once when my sister and I were roughly four and three respectively. My dad got custody of both of us since my mom had no job to support us. My dad remarried to a vicious toxic woman. She had three children of her own, whom she would scream at and hit in fits of rage. She sexually abused my sister. She mentally abused both of us, always making us feel stupid and ashamed, sometimes making me wear girls dresses. After a year or maybe a little less my mom would get a job travelling, then with some legal fights she would get custody of me. I lived with my grandparents while she worked, regularly being exposed to outrageous screaming matches and physical fights between the elders. I can still remember exactly what it felt like, curled up in a ball under my blanket just wishing everyone would stop.
 

grief

Sponsor
welcome to the forum. it can be very difficult to start to get this kind of thing out of you. but once you start to do that the processing and healing will begin. and you have a really great start here. you are not a born loser. you were born into circumstances that are not ideal. and that does not mean any thing about who you are as a person.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I can relate to that feeling of curled in a ball under the blanket even as an adult. You are not a loser, except to say you lost out on the joy and stability of being a kid, and avoiding trauma. That has had it's impact but you are not a loser. Even the dresses, it calls to mind the famous poet Rainer Marie Rilke, who was forced to do the same. I am sorry for your pain.

Welcome to you! 😊There are great people and resources here.
 
I took yesterday to just collect myself. Let's try this again.

My mom eventually manipulated my dad into remarrying and we were all together again. I don't know if it's still taught in schools but, when I was little, DARE officers would come and speak to schools multiple times a year. When my sister and I were introduced to this we would go home and talk to our mom about it. She'd say "You can't tell anyone we smoke because they'll take you away and put you in a strangers home". I felt like I was on the hook for something I didn't even do. I remember once around 6 or 7 complaining that my sister and I did a lot of the chores and that it was abuse. My mom looked us in the faces and told us "Go ahead, I'll call child protective services for you. They'll come take you away and I'll get to stay here and do whatever I want!". This was repeated a few times throughout my younger years.

My dad was in the military for 21 years and spent the majority of his time stationed on ships. We saw little of him until I was about 8, when he retired from the military and started working as a civilian. He was usually very distant. He didn't talk much to the kids unless we were in trouble or he needed us for chores. My mom liked to use him as the discipliner so she could look like the nice person. He was a firm believer in corporal punishment, to the point where he used a plywood paddle cut in the shape of a hand. Beatings weren't reserved for anything in particular. It didn't take long for me to become terrified of interims and report cards. I did terrible in public schools and the punishment was always a beating. They never tried to help tutor or even find someone else to tutor me, always "We know you can do better, now bend over and don't reach back!". Sometimes he would snap and kick me in the ass, as if I was a football. The first time he did it I don't remember what caused him to, maybe I said something to my mom he didn't like. Once while playing croquet with a bunch of family at a cookout at out house, I made a loud noise when he went to hit the ball and he messed it up. He swung the mallet at my head, missed, and kicked me in the ass like before.

My parents would divorce again permanently when I was 12. I remember being so happy about it. Looking back he was only half of the problem.
 
D

Deleted member 50892

From the day I was born both of my parents smoked weed. My father was in the military, my mom was a housewife most of the time. My parents divorced twice, once when my sister and I were roughly four and three respectively. My dad got custody of both of us since my mom had no job to support us. My dad remarried to a vicious toxic woman. She had three children of her own, whom she would scream at and hit in fits of rage. She sexually abused my sister. She mentally abused both of us, always making us feel stupid and ashamed, sometimes making me wear girls dresses. After a year or maybe a little less my mom would get a job travelling, then with some legal fights she would get custody of me. I lived with my grandparents while she worked, regularly being exposed to outrageous screaming matches and physical fights between the elders. I can still remember exactly what it felt like, curled up in a ball under my blanket just wishing everyone would stop.
It's weird how you can read someone else's story and see so many similarities to your own story. The same toxic brew poisoning different people in perhaps similar ways.
The military father, the mother high all the time, the evil abusive stepmother humiliating the little boy, being a pawn in a game between the adults, growing up in a war zone. Life is messy.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you had to endure that. I also had similar abuses. I hope you get a therapist and work on your trauma if that's what you want. It helped me for a long time and then I used this website to heal. Lots of good advice here from people who have suffered like you. Welcome.
 
Thanks for sharing everyone!

I'm sorry you had to endure that. I also had similar abuses. I hope you get a therapist and work on your trauma if that's what you want. It helped me for a long time and then I used this website to heal. Lots of good advice here from people who have suffered like you. Welcome.
I wouldn't be averse to seeing a therapist, assuming I find one that fits me. I saw a psychologist once over depression when I was a teenager but he wasn't interested in talking about experiences. He gave me anti-depressants and sleep aids which didn't improve my feelings at all. That left me with a negative image of mental health professionals.

Welcome to the site. I'm sorry of all through what you went. Hope the forum will bring you useful things!
It already has! Reading the experiences of others and talking to people that have dealt with similar issues has been a little freeing.
 
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