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Hello - Life of Abuse

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by cactus, Jul 26, 2007.

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  1. cactus

    cactus New Member

    my name is Julie, have PTSD, age 44, two sons...was married 23 yrs in abusive relationship, extreme violence, shouting/swearing etc. Split last year divorced almost immediately on grounds of abuse. Childhood also very abusive. Live in the UK.

    Unable to live daily life now, been through immense/extreme blackness, hurt and pain, totally broken, on the edge and wanting to fall over, believed i was worthless, nothing.....

    Last Sept flashbacks round the clock, hallunications, black time bed and sitting was the most i could do, now i can move around a little more, been out one/two weeks since September, on drugs to control it. Sweeps over me although getting a little better.
    Had mental/physical breakdown last Sept...also got chronic depression.

    I sound wonderful dont i, lol. Have support worker, etc, to enable me to maintain this level which is not good at all, memory is bad, was worse, where i did not know what day it was on wakening slept so deep, no one could wake me, speech was awful now its slightly better, good times, memory mind still blanks, forget things people phone to remind me of things thinking.....lol all the time...
    been a nightmare lol.....blackest time...to be thrown into, thought i was going crazy....all the things that happened to me....no improvement just went on and on, drugs seem to be working now, on propranolol 40mg twice a day amongst other drugs....they seem to control the extreme/intense now for which i am grateful although it is still bad, but at one point it was continual 24/7 for months. Been on them 15 months...together with others
    I can manage to get some energy by around 5.00pmish now whereas i had none before....taken 10 months to reach a few hours and then i have to lay down again.
    Flahsbacks were bad and intense/extreme pain with it all....then the hallunications which i knew were not there really but were really real looking was just awful black black time, would have given anything for just one day free off it all.

    Been a hard journey....not been able to look after my sons as i used to do
    adrelian kept me going before pure fear terrified, the Drs put me on the drugs to enable me to get out of the situation as i was mess and very weak.
    still am very weak. My whole appearance went down the drain black round my eyes, eyes sunk, better alot now....but at one point looked dreadful
    was under crisis care team 24/7 for a time as i was considered whatever
    i took some drugs etc, a few times, prescribed ones, as it threw me into this awful black hole that unless you experienced it, hard to explain but it was like that was all there was in that moment of time...so intense and extreme...thankfully moving away from that now...

    I looked around and i like what you say it has already helped me and i thought i would join you if you dont mind. Thats all i can remember for now
    i just go with each day what i remember, one day i may remember other things....i just learnt i have to stay in the day and just go with it....but its tough and its hard....

    constantly under the drs and support workers...never ever thought i would arrive here...i dreamed of walking into a new life....just at peace...was a shock and now i realise how i damaged my body and mind by staying...but thankfully i got out think it was my last chance and i made it...so all that matters is that...

    want so much to be a whole person now that is my goal after alife of abuse
    i learnt so much in all this, thinking for myself and so on, never learnt so much about my life and me....and now i simply want to be, and for once be a whole person.....make my steps forward...it is slow like a snail....
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  3. wildfirewildone

    wildfirewildone Well-Known Member

    :clap: Rah-Rah for you!!!! I had to get out of an abusive relationship 20 years ago.....I don't have the perfect life as I am now starting to deal with the original childhood traumas which led me to unknowingly marry a abusive spouse....I know it's a very tough time but just keep coming here and posting!! LIVING THE PEACE
  4. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Hi Julie, welcome to the forum. Your goal is within your reach, if you want it bad enough, which I think you might now be at that point to go get it.
  5. She Cat

    She Cat Policy Enforcement Banned Premium Member Sponsor $100+


    Welcome to the forum.......:thumbs-up

  6. Portabella

    Portabella Well-Known Member

    Julie, Welcome aboard and hope this forum offers you MUCH support and healing.

  7. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

    Hi Julie

    I believe that by taking a step forward you have overcome at least part of the hardest battle - acknowledging there is something wrong and that only you can change it to make your world a better place. :thumbs-up

    Welcome aboard.
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