Hello everyone, I'm a woman, 47, french (sorry for the mistakes - corrections are welcome, actually :).
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I've had the pretty standard life of people with PTSD / early CSA :
1 - Bad childhood, youth, adulthood. Unemployment, poverty, isolation-avoidance of nearly everything.
2 - Hospitalizations for depression, suicide, all sorts of diagnosis, horrible medications, psychoanalysis, all to no avail until mid 30's.
3 - Worried about life running through my hands, I pushed all the psycho routine behind me, cut off with my parents too, without knowing why exactly, and threw myself into marital life for 10 years. A xerox copy of the abusive marriage of my mother and father.
4 - The inevitable 3rd act, reveal all : death of the parents + memories of CSA bursting right out of me + general rot in both sides of the family, fully visible now.
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It took me decades to reach (on my own) the core of my situation, early CSA at 3 years old, and only after the death of my mother.
Now that my father is dying, it's no longer torturing doubts and questioning, it's literally erupting.
So it wasn't an oedipal wish or seasonal depression, after all...
If I used to be dubious (aka in denial) about split parts of the personality, forgetting the abuse, the Stockholm Syndrome, the validity of sensory memories, and the validity of "recovering" them after nearly 44 years, I sure have zero doubts now.
I'm amazed at the number of layers of my denial, its depth.
I wonder if my mother hadn't died, if her own CSA hadn't came up, would I still be in the dark ? Probably.
If I had died after I committed suicide at 23, the truth would have died with me. Not that it will change much for my family, they'll keep up the act and call me crazy, no doubt here either.
But how many times the truth dies in this world ? How many lies stuffed in the polite presentable picture do we give a free pass, even unknowingly ?
I have a million questions.
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I'm working on my own, because like most of us, I couldn't find a competent therapist.
I will try again though. Now that I have zero doubts, the evaluation will take minutes.
Beyond therapy, I need feedback, especially from people who overcame the denial, their own and everyone else.
Now that it's all coming out, I have a million questions.
I'm reading you all and it's really helpful. Thank you and may the force be with you !
--------------------------
I've had the pretty standard life of people with PTSD / early CSA :
1 - Bad childhood, youth, adulthood. Unemployment, poverty, isolation-avoidance of nearly everything.
2 - Hospitalizations for depression, suicide, all sorts of diagnosis, horrible medications, psychoanalysis, all to no avail until mid 30's.
3 - Worried about life running through my hands, I pushed all the psycho routine behind me, cut off with my parents too, without knowing why exactly, and threw myself into marital life for 10 years. A xerox copy of the abusive marriage of my mother and father.
4 - The inevitable 3rd act, reveal all : death of the parents + memories of CSA bursting right out of me + general rot in both sides of the family, fully visible now.
-------------------------
It took me decades to reach (on my own) the core of my situation, early CSA at 3 years old, and only after the death of my mother.
Now that my father is dying, it's no longer torturing doubts and questioning, it's literally erupting.
So it wasn't an oedipal wish or seasonal depression, after all...
If I used to be dubious (aka in denial) about split parts of the personality, forgetting the abuse, the Stockholm Syndrome, the validity of sensory memories, and the validity of "recovering" them after nearly 44 years, I sure have zero doubts now.
I'm amazed at the number of layers of my denial, its depth.
I wonder if my mother hadn't died, if her own CSA hadn't came up, would I still be in the dark ? Probably.
If I had died after I committed suicide at 23, the truth would have died with me. Not that it will change much for my family, they'll keep up the act and call me crazy, no doubt here either.
But how many times the truth dies in this world ? How many lies stuffed in the polite presentable picture do we give a free pass, even unknowingly ?
I have a million questions.
-------------------------
I'm working on my own, because like most of us, I couldn't find a competent therapist.
I will try again though. Now that I have zero doubts, the evaluation will take minutes.
Beyond therapy, I need feedback, especially from people who overcame the denial, their own and everyone else.
Now that it's all coming out, I have a million questions.
I'm reading you all and it's really helpful. Thank you and may the force be with you !