Sufferer Hello, new here, looking for feedback while repairing myself

Tofffsy

New Here
Hello everyone, I'm a woman, 47, french (sorry for the mistakes - corrections are welcome, actually :).

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I've had the pretty standard life of people with PTSD / early CSA :
1 - Bad childhood, youth, adulthood. Unemployment, poverty, isolation-avoidance of nearly everything.
2 - Hospitalizations for depression, suicide, all sorts of diagnosis, horrible medications, psychoanalysis, all to no avail until mid 30's.
3 - Worried about life running through my hands, I pushed all the psycho routine behind me, cut off with my parents too, without knowing why exactly, and threw myself into marital life for 10 years. A xerox copy of the abusive marriage of my mother and father.
4 - The inevitable 3rd act, reveal all : death of the parents + memories of CSA bursting right out of me + general rot in both sides of the family, fully visible now.
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It took me decades to reach (on my own) the core of my situation, early CSA at 3 years old, and only after the death of my mother.
Now that my father is dying, it's no longer torturing doubts and questioning, it's literally erupting.
So it wasn't an oedipal wish or seasonal depression, after all...

If I used to be dubious (aka in denial) about split parts of the personality, forgetting the abuse, the Stockholm Syndrome, the validity of sensory memories, and the validity of "recovering" them after nearly 44 years, I sure have zero doubts now.
I'm amazed at the number of layers of my denial, its depth.
I wonder if my mother hadn't died, if her own CSA hadn't came up, would I still be in the dark ? Probably.
If I had died after I committed suicide at 23, the truth would have died with me. Not that it will change much for my family, they'll keep up the act and call me crazy, no doubt here either.
But how many times the truth dies in this world ? How many lies stuffed in the polite presentable picture do we give a free pass, even unknowingly ?
I have a million questions.
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I'm working on my own, because like most of us, I couldn't find a competent therapist.
I will try again though. Now that I have zero doubts, the evaluation will take minutes.
Beyond therapy, I need feedback, especially from people who overcame the denial, their own and everyone else.
Now that it's all coming out, I have a million questions.

I'm reading you all and it's really helpful. Thank you and may the force be with you !
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome @Tofffsy!! I love it when I see someone find this forum and are ready to do the work!! It's hard enough to do this healing journey without holding on the internal lies we've been told.

You will get validation and support here. Can't help you with the denial I've always known and my life had been pretty insane too. Glad you are here!!!
 

Tofffsy

New Here
Welcome @Tofffsy!! I love it when I see someone find this forum and are ready to do the work!! It's hard enough to do this healing journey without holding on the internal lies we've been told.

You will get validation and support here. Can't help you with the denial I've always known and my life had been pretty insane too. Glad you are here!!!
Hello Ladee, thank you very much. I will read you anyway, because I'm finding answers after searching a lot and pretty much anyone can have a key in this quest :) Plus, I'm looking for answers to questions I'm barely starting to form.

Talking with people who are not standing outside (like therapists or people who say that it didn't happen to them, true or not), talking with people standing inside is soothing. I'm not a freak among you, I don't have to taper off or censor aspects (and I'm just talking about mentioning early CSA, not going into details). It's not the same to talk with someone who knows. Whether you have a key or not, just being nice, not backing off averting your eyes, it means a lot :D

Welcome to the forum.
Hi katz, thank you too.
 
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