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Hello! Newbie Here With Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Nightowl, Nov 10, 2006.

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  1. Nightowl

    Nightowl New Member

    Hello everyone! :hello: My name is Anne and I have been lurking here for a couple of weeks now. I finally decided to jump in and join!

    I am sooo nervous about joining here; my worries are that I am "not ill enough" to belong. I have read some of the stories and think "wow! these people are amazing! they do so well while overcoming so much more than I have to deal with! maybe I don't belong"

    Let me tell you a little about my story. In January, my DH and I started to lose weight. We were doing quite well. My emotional eating was under control and we were both losing weight. Around Feb., I started thinking about my life and my childhood. I started reflecting on some of my memories and went "Hey! Something's not right!" I realized that some memories that I have always had were of my dad molesting me. (whew this is hard) I just started to put some feelings to those memories. I started getting depressed around the same time. Somewhere around March/April I started having anxiety problems (which I have never had before). By the beginning of June I was a wreck: depressed, anxious, starting to have flashbacks, and I was starting to have blackouts for about 30 secs. or so (I was able to do things during these blackouts but I would have no memory of them). I knew I was in trouble and got in touch with my family doc when I realized that I was having problems at work with blackouts and anxiety attacks (I'm a nurse and those are real trouble!). My family doc said that often when people go on diets is when memories start to surface (who knew?). My family doc diagnosed my with depression, anxiety and ?PTSD at that time. I went on sick leave from my work at that time.

    Since June, I have seen a number of different counsellors. My meds are been taken care by my family doc and an outpatient psych clinic. My counselling right now is through a place called Sexual Assault Centre London. I have a limited number of sessions with them for free. Also, within the last two weeks, I have been accepted as a patient at our hospital's Trauma Stress Service (TSS). They only deal with trauma related psycho-social issues. I am so happy that now I will have some coordinated help. The intake nurse clinician for the TSS also diagnosed me with Complex PTSD (I have dissociated for many years. I also have a previous psych. history which I won't get into here, but was also a sign of big problems). They are covered by our provincial health insurance plan, so i won't have to pay anything.

    I have been having a really hard time dealing with my diagnosis while continuing to have new memories about my dad molesting me. I feel like my world is off-kilter and tilting. I sleep all the time and am exhausted while I am awake. I have significant concentration issues. I have hypervigilance and exaggerated startle reflex. Thank goodness I don't have nightmares/terrors; I don't believe in them so I guess I don't get them.

    I have a very supportive DH, friend and cousin whom I am in close contact with. I want to get back to work but I know I am not ready.

    I know I have written a novel here, but I just wanted to share my history with some people who *really get it*. My family and friends understand as much as they can, but they are not living through it. I do realize how lucky I am to have such a great support system; I'd be sunk without them.

    Anyway, I am really happy to have found this great forum and hope I can be a helpful and active member!:thumbs-up
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  3. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Hi Nightowl,

    Welcome to the forum. Guess it kind of makes sense when you think about it. Often those with PTSD will pick their form of self abuse in an effort to mask all of their pain, keep the memories at bay and allow themselves to wallow in denial. The weight loss was just a catalyst for your body to say 'okay, we can deal with this now'. It may feel like your cheese is sliding off your cracker (to borrow anothers phrase) but with some support (which you have identified you have), active treatment and some motivation the healing process can begin. Hopefully, you can benefit from talking to others on this forum who know just where you are coming from. Take care.
  4. nugget

    nugget Well-Known Member

    Welcome anne i was like you and lurked around for a while i have to say i think i have learnt more from this fourm because of its honesty than i have reading any books or web pages
  5. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Welcome aboard Anne, and glad you decided to say hi. You know something though, you really shouldn't put yourself down in regard to the severity of your trauma, because regardless what people suffer uniquely, it is traumatic to you, and lets face facts here, you where molested by your father, that is traumatic to say the least. At the end of the day, we all have PTSD as a result of our trauma, and that is what bonds us all in that we understand and relate to one another.

    I totally understand about your family, as they can understand your not well, but unless they live with this, they cannot fully understand. My family is the same... and they struggle with me at times because they see me physically as healthy, but mentally much more is going on within me.

    Healing our trauma goes a long way to removing a lot of fuel from PTSD itself, then its just about learning how to manage PTSD as a whole then, which is what really gets you going again.

    I am really glad though Anne that you jumped in, because that is what its all about. Feet first, then learn to swim... it comes pretty easy around here.
  6. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

    Hi Anne. Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you decided to share your story, as it will undoubtedly help someone else who may have gone through something similar.

    Don't discount your trauma, as there are no "degrees" of trauma - trauma IS trauma, no matter the form. I was abused as a child growing up (by both mother and brother) and gradually came to the conclusion that it affected me greatly in my every day life. I never had an epiphany moment that explained it all for me; only through counseling have I been able to put it all together. Now, healing from it....that's a different story!

    Glad to have you here. Stick around, help yourself, and help others in the process!
  7. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

    Welcome Anne! Like everyone else said, don't compare your trauma to other people's. Everyone has a unique experience. I hope you enjoy your time here.
  8. Farmer

    Farmer Active Member

    Hi Anne, like batgirl said
  9. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

    welcome, anne! a lot of us share similar experiences, but everyone is definitely different. we can help each other much, even if things were vastly different. the symptoms of ptsd are the same. you are as important as anyone else.
  10. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Welcome aboard and I think everyone else pretty much covered the rest!
  11. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    Hello! Welcome aboard.
  12. nov_silence

    nov_silence Well-Known Member

    We are so glad that you are here. Keep on sharing!
  13. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    There's no way of measuring, matching, comparing trauma. Someone who is traumatized and suffering PTSD as the result, deserves and needs much support and help.

    Nightowl you mentioned how while dieting you started reflecting upon traumatic memories of being molested. All makes perfect sense to me. I too lived through issues surrounding eating and dieting, while having buried my trauma and unknowingly dissociating from it.

    Just want to give you a Great Big Welcome Anne! We're glad to have you on board and so very sorry that this ever happened to you. I understand, as I too have been molested by my father, and have a serious distance to travel in the healing surrounding this one.

    Bless you! ...and we'all hope to hear a lot more from you. Again, Welcome!
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