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Sufferer Hello, sorry for the essay. cptsd. csa.

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Hi,

My name is Sarah and I'm 27. I live in Victoria, Australia. I have been in treatment for a complex, dissociative form of PTSD for just under a year now. In relation to CSA and other sexual assaults. I'm a bit nervous as this is my first time reaching out to others dealing with similar issues. After reading some posts and really kind, supportive comments, this feels like the right place to start opening up more. Sorry and don't feel like you gotta read it all but I kinda feel like I need to blurt it all out. I feel like this is a safe place to do so first. It's a very, very long story and a lot about sexual abuse and assault (be warned). I won't describe things in detail but I think if I share everything I know, so far, you will get a better understanding of who I am, if you want to know. I don't expect people to read it all but it feels good to have it all out for the first time. My story, I suppose. @SethR thank you for giving me the courage.

I'm very new to dealing with my mental health. I wasn't aware anything was wrong, mentally, until last year. I had an inkling something had happened when I was young but just assumed it was minor. At the time, I had no concept of how, massively, traumatic experiences can effect a persons behaviour or health. People were just people, no explanation necessary. I had no explanation as to why I was the way I was and could only see, the world and people, through those same eyes. I was in complete denial.

When I was 2, my parent's best man, who they considered like a brother, started abusing me. He would take care of my brothers and I, but as far as we know, he didn't touch them. It continued until a week before my 6th birthday, when he killed himself after a particularly severe incident. It was a devastating time for my family. He was a "great" man, generous, kind, charitable, trustworthy, loved children(you know, the usual). The suicide was covered up as a heart attack. I thought I killed him, somehow, with my will. I was happy he was dead. I was evil, the whole relationship between he and I remained unknown. My parents mourned his death, my dad spoke at the funeral and a part of my life, so influential but too traumatic to remember, disappeared with him.

I have an incredibly loving and supportive family and friends. Aside from the abuse, I have no complaints with my up bringing. There was a very dark side to me but that was hidden from others, mostly from myself as well. I was tormented when alone but happy and playful when with friends and family. I was very aware of men wanting me for something that I didn't understand and I was extremely hypersensitive, fussy like you wouldn't believe. Needed always to be comfortable. I remember, very clearly, the feeling, like grinding, un oiled gears seizing up in my body. It felt like I was malfunctioning. I would lose it, scream, pull at my skin or touch myself, next level tantrum. I learnt to push down the bad parts by about age 10 and control them. I turned to perfectionism and avoidance as coping mechanisms. I was top of everything at school. I had planned to kill myself before I had to start having sex, but figured that was a while away so would enjoy life until then.

I developed a dissociative coping mechanism. In situations of trauma I'd partially or completely block things out. There had been a lot of confusing incidents, that I couldn't really explain. Missing time. Strange interactions with people, stuff I couldn't find an answer for so just had to push aside and forget or drive myself crazy searching for answers that weren't there. It became a joke. My lack of memory. My clumsiness, it was just; "oh that's just Sarah". People found me funny, endearing and cute, I latched onto these as part of my identity. I was always joking, laughing, being silly. I met a boy when I was 13. I guess you would call him my soul mate. He changed my world. We're currently not together but he supports me through everything. He, my family and friends are the reasons I'm doing ok.

When I was 16, I did a student exchange to France. I was raped in a park by a boy who I had never met but had seen me around. I had no recollection of it at the time. He got my number off someone and sent me a text message the next day saying sorry, I love you, I need to see you. I was so confused, I pushed the whole thing out of my mind. I never spoke to him again. I coped by binging on candy, I ate so much, my poop turned blue (sorry prob too much information!).

When I was 18, a friend of mine and I, were attacked by our cab driver. We managed to get away without anything happening. I had no recollection of it by the time we were standing on the street. I had been drinking, so I blamed that. I had my friend there, who relayed the story to me, but when I woke up the next morning, again, I had completely forgotten. She filled me in again and slowly the memory came back. I can remember screaming, "Who the f*ck do you think you are?!", at him.

I started smoking pot and drinking heavily at age 14. I had a drinking problem. Would drink to excess. But I wasn't a sad drunk. I was the life of the party, happy and funny so no one ever really noticed a problem or mentioned anything to me. My tolerance was so high, I could drink anyone under the table. My average nights drinks would be a bottle + of vodka or 4 bottles of champagne. Then I started drug taking. Everything but heroin and meth because there was some part of me that told me if you try either of them, that will be it. I would just take as much of whatever I could get. Mixing things, it took my interest away from alcohol because I thought that dulled the feeling. Then it was drugs, every weekend. Partying, no end. Until my body conked out, thankfully, at age 21 and I had to start taking a better care of my health. I have been chronically ill since then.

The drugs were then replaced with work. Hospitality. I just worked, worked, worked. I was a completely different person there. A goodie two shoes. No one would expect my hard partying past. I was so conscientious, so trusted. I was like super waitress. I hated it but it made me feel a little bit good about myself. Sometimes I would be working 3 jobs at once. I worked myself to the bone. Let myself be taken advantage of. I was skinny as a rake. I'm 5"8 and I got down to 47kg. I wasn't anorexic, but a part of me was satisfied by how sick I was becoming. I started seeing doctors, who couldn't help and a naturopath who put me on a special diet. I quit drinking decidedly, for about a year, started studying nutrition and slowly got used to being sick and tiny. It became part of my identity too. I'm still skinny now, but at 54kg I'm a much healthier version of myself and I am obsessed with healthy food!

I moved out of home at 19. Into a party house. The only incident that happened there was a man cutting me off into a driveway when I was walking along the street (in the middle of the day, mind you, in a nice suburb). I was so startled I apologised, he leant over to open the passenger seat door and I was gobsmacked, his penis was in his hand. I just ran off. I had to leave, this house, after a few months because of insomnia. I lived alone for a short period of time. With my brother, back home, at my boyfriends and then with a friend. All the while sick and getting sicker. Chronic IBS, SIBO, costochondritis and ITP. I hated sharing houses. I was never comfortable unless I was alone. If my housemate was home I'd sit in my bed, with my earphones in, watching shows, trying my darnedest to be silent. I didn't think that was weird at the time, but looking back now, I just don't know why I didn't realise something was up a long time ago. I was wracked with anxiety, but I knew no different, so I didn't accept it for what it was.

I was given an inheritance from my great aunt when I was 23. I used some of it to rent my dream apartment, where I could feel safe and comfortable. I loved it, it was my heaven. Until one night after drinks with work people, i was dropped home in a taxi by a couple of friends. They left, I had my keys out, walking towards my door and then next thing I knew it was 2 hours later and I was sitting on the gutter distraught, no keys, so confused. Looking at my watch, hitting my head, trying to find an explanation. The memory of that night was my most recent to return. Only last week. I can now remember a man walking towards me, putting his arm over my shoulder, me shutting down, him taking my keys and walking me around the side of my apartment building. I clicked into a different mode, I tried to befriend him, told him that I would perform oral sex if he wouldn't rape me. I tried to buy myself time, until I could run away. I could see my balcony from where I was sitting but he still had my keys. I wished so badly I could be back inside my safe, happy, nest, just metres away. I made a run for it at some point, but only made it a few steps away before he grabbed my arm, pulled out a knife and made me do what I said I would. I called a friend, cried to them about nothing, I thought, stayed at his place. I had no clue why I was so upset. The man, very generously, left my keys for me to find the next day. I was soooo perplexed.

It was around this time I started thinking a lot about my childhood. Something was wrong. I wanted to find out what. I decided I couldn't deal with it around my family and friends. I had so much guilt and shame within me, I didn't want them to know. I had mentioned something to my soul mate guy. But I was so allergic to being certain. I decided to use most of my inheritance to travel. Try and find myself. I did, to an extent but I lost more parts of myself, as well.

All thoughts of self discovery of that (child trauma) nature left me as the plane took off. I was free, from what, I didn't know but I could do and be whatever I wanted.

I went to Thailand. I was doing a work stay, type thing, at an Eco lodge. It was amazing. Beautiful. I saw so many incredible things and got so far out of my comfort zone. I played with elephants, went on jungle hikes. I'd have rats, bugs, bats in my room and I could tolerate it. I was amazed at my ability to adapt. I had always been so OCD about cleanliness, needing things this way or that. I was there for 6 weeks. On the day before I left. A girl came. She was kind of distraught. She had been attacked. I went with her to the doctor. She hadn't been raped. She was ok. She made a big impact on me, the way she handled it, alone. I thought she was so strong. I left to do a permaculture course in Pai. It was incredible. I learnt so much. We had this super spiritual teacher person, that everyone almost worshipped. I had an uneasy feeling about him though. I noticed the way he looked at women. I dressed to Thai standards, elbows to knees covered. I was there in this humid wonderland, I didn't need to look good or attract attention. I went out of my way to avoid it, that wasn't what I was there for. I almost looked down upon the other girls, scantily clad (I feel guilt for that now). I was the one who was raped. We each had our own bungalow, a fair distance from the next. On the last night I could hear someone outside. I just thought it was me hearing things because similar stuff would happen all the time. But then the scrambling up my steps was unmistakable. It was close to, if not, a full moon, I had a big open window. I saw him. It was my teacher. I blacked out. Came to a few times during the course of it all. While being fondled, being raped, his laughing, the paralysis. The feeling of so much disgust your spine feels like it's going to curl up on itself. I didn't get my period for months. I left Thailand a bit over a week later, started binge eating again for some strange reason. I was told I had an ectopic pregnancy but refused to believe it because, to my knowledge, I hadn't had sex recently. I left the country for the US and miscarried on the plane, luckily. Things could have gone differently.

I went to the US with my brother firstly, it was incredible. It was great to travel with him and gain some closeness, I'd never even really missed before. I am and have been very self centred but outwardly, not so, if that makes sense?

I went from US to Canada to US and back again. It was the time of my life and I will always look back on my travels fondly. I'm so glad the couple of incidents that could have marred my time, completely, were hidden from me at the time. In Toronto about a month before I left. Just before I went to go see Niagara Falls, I was raped again. When I first arrived at my hostel, it was late and so I pretty much just went to bed. I didn't really meet anyone. The next day I had come back from breakfast and walked in on a guy masturbating. I guess, I interrupted him. That night he climbed into my bed, I woke up to him touching me. I couldn't move or make sound. I tried to say no. I was paralysed. I had experienced this before. I often got sleep paralysis so I just relaxed and assumed it was that. It didn't go the same way. I ended up just getting terrified and passing out. I woke up the next morning with seamen in my underwear. But my brain at the time explained it away as some spiritual manifestation. I wouldn't have been able to deal with knowing then. I bumped into the guy again, randomly, in a bar in Whistler, I was with a friend. I was weirdly and uncontrollably drawn to him.

That's all I remember so far. There are a couple of other incidents, where time is missing but I just assume nothing happened unless I remember something. It doesn't help me to try and think about any of it. I'm in treatment now. I do equine therapy with my psychologist which is really helping me out. I live with my parents on their vineyard. It's beautiful. The surroundings are really helpful for me, I think they are the main reason I don't have depression.


I've never spoken to anyone who has a similar experience to me. But I know I'm not alone and I would be soooo interested in doing so. I almost don't feel like I truly understand PTSD. I didn't experience the trauma consciously at the time so it's almost feels like it all happened to someone else. Like it is all happening to someone else and I'm just the container for it all.

I know situations can't be compared and that in no way, shape or form do I have it the worst. I have had so much good fortune in my life. I have so much love and support. No one blames me, no one thinks I'm lying. I got to experience so many things before this whole other hidden world came crashing down. People I know just care, are compassionate and try to understand. It makes me make more sense to them. Why I'm so guarded, so jumpy, so inconsistent and so quick to dismiss myself. But how I have been received, makes me feel guilty. I wish I could share the love and support I have with everyone. I have no clue where I would be without it all. I don't think I'd be here.

I'm on the road to recovery. Only at the beginning but things are looking positive. Once I'm a little further down the track I would love to help others.

This whole revelation has made me see almost everyone as having some mild form of PTSD. If the creation of it starts with a traumatic incident, unprocessed, at the time, everyone must have a level of that in common. From a breakup to the death of a loved one. If Complex PTSD could be better understood, it seems like people in the wider population could use the same methods to understand and better themselves.

That is kinda where my interests lie. I am studying nutrition and psychology to learn as much as I can about the brain and body. To figure out how to heal myself properly and then hopefully be a part of spreading word and awareness about it. I doubt myself I though, I don't know if I have the ability to get there. I know my key to healing lies in fully understanding myself. I have seen the world from such a clouded perspective, my whole life. It feels good to finally be gaining some clarity and having all the unexplained things about my personality start to make sense.

I'm so happy I have found this community. I know a big part of my recovery, that's missing, is connections with people. Particularly those who have experienced disassociation. I can never commit myself fully to anyone or anything. I'm terrified of being hurt again but maybe, here, I will learn how to trust people. I want to be able to love people without a bunch of conditions. To be able to follow and stick to some sort of routine. To let my guard down. I wanna start progressing in life.

If you read this all, you know more about me than anyone I know. Thanks for taking the time. I really appreciate it. I hope to grow some connections, be helped and to help where I can too.
 
Hi,

My name is Sarah and I'm 27. I live in Victoria, Australia. I have been in treatment...
Sarah,

I read it all.

Like you, I am a new member (as of only this morning!!) and like you, I am in need of connection. Not only do I commend your bravery for posting this timeline of your life I thank you for strengthening my resolve to write an introduction for myself (the task feels SO daunting) tomorrow (look for me!). I can deeply relate to aspects of your experience and, at this moment, just want to assure you that someone is listening!
 
Sarah, I read it all.

Like you, I am a new member (as of only this morning!!) and like you, I am i...

Thank you. I dunno why but your message made me very emotional. In a good way. I'll certainly be looking out for your introduction!! I'm sorry you've experienced similar things. I have to believe that there is some greater reason behind it all to cope. Faith, in what, I don't know but having it in something is helping me a lot. Thanks so so much for reaching out and making a connection, I really appreciate it. Good luck!! X
 
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Welcome! I deeply resonate with many parts of your story and I thank you for sharing. It isn't always easy to share the nooks and crannies of our lives, but it sure helps at clearing out the mind and heart space to make more room for healing. Nutrition and permaculture are two of my favorite things, too. I look forward to seeing ya' around.
 
Welcome to our healing community... thank you for letting us get to know you.... you have had a lot of tr...
Thank you! I'm very glad I found you all too!

Welcome! I deeply resonate with many parts of your story and I thank you for sharing. It is...
Thank you. It definitely has helped. Thank you for reaching out. It's comforting to know people understand my experience. Not nice that other people share it but I'm thankful to have found people who do.

Welcome to the forums, although I'm glad you found us I'm sorry you had to endure the same traumas. P...
Thank you so much. It's so nice to feel support so quickly. I should have probably searched you out a long time ago. I really appreciate you reaching out. I'm sorry we have so much in common.
 
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Hi,

My name is Sarah and I'm 27. I live in Victoria, Australia. I have been in treatment...
Don't apologize for the long post; it was fascinating and invaluable in getting to know you. On the one hand you sound remarkably resilient to have survived through all this, on the other hand I think you and I probably have something in common--we work so hard at being "normal" and cheerful that the people around us and our therapists have no clue the pain we feel inside and that we need help. Get yourself some pepper spray (I used to work for a police chief and it will stop anybody COLD in their tracks) and don't accept any drinks you haven't watched poured yourself. You probably know all this, and I apologize if so. If you have a good friend, or an understanding family member, talk to them about all this. Keep going. It gets better. --Kate
 
Don't apologize for the long post; it was fascinating and invaluable in getting to know you. On...
Thanks so much for your response and the advice Kate, I really appreciate it!! That was me to a T, so far in denial, I just was happy all the time!! I have an overwhelming need to appear "normal" to people I don't know well. I'm just starting to deal with it in therapy. I try really hard to be honest with my psychologist. It's not easy sometimes, but for me it's the only chance I have at getting better. It's expensive so I feel guilty if I don't try but in saying that, I'm not, yet, that in tune with my emotions. I do equine therapy and I think the horses really help, both, to keep me grounded and open up. I know there's lots of pain in there somewhere, more than I have experienced. I try and let myself be upset when I need to be. But, you're right. It's hard to find comfort in other people. I'm starting to be able to hear and feel my body's cues, I don't drink now because of a blood related auto immune disease, I feel a lot better for it!! I smoke weed quite a bit still though. It's hard to feel comfortable being my weird, wacky self. I never had an answer before as to why. Now I do I'm more accepting of myself and less concerned with how others see me.. but like everything else, it's all a work in progress. Pepper spray!!! I need me some o that!! So glad for the connection!
 
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