help? advice? something? I am living in the context of past trauma

I lived in a neighbourhood when I was younger where alot of bad things happened to me and my family. in the past two years I have gotten married and now I have been living in that same neighbourhood for over six months. needless to say it is really bringing up a host of problems for me. I am diagnosed with a personality disorder, BP1, bulimia , and CPTSD .. I have been triggered every single day since I have been here and every day I keep waiting for it to stop or lessen and its not. I am anxious all the time and my general mental health is so so so bad right now. no one seems to care though. no one. I am here unwillingly and I hate that no one cares. I don't know what to do at this point I don't know where to turn. where I am I don't have access to care and its making everything worse. I feel suicidal everyday and I am getting scared of my own mind. I keep thinking of ways to end myself to make it all stop. I do want to live to see my future and I cannot die this way because of my family but I am so alone... I have no friends, my ex best friend talked about my trauma to people and I don't trust any one anymore because of it.. I want help so bad.. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be happy that I get to wake up and live another day, not be upset that its daytime again. I hate my life, I hate that I have no real support, I hate that I am stuck in a situation I have no control over... I have tried everything to make myself feel better and nothing has worked. im just so done. im so done.. im tired....
 

Friday

Moderator
no one seems to care though. no one. I am here unwillingly and I hate that no one cares.
Is there a practical reason why people caring would be useful/necessary? Or is wanting others to care part of your being triggered?

now I have been living in that same neighbourhood for over six months. needless to say it is really bringing up a host of problems for me
I don't know what to do at this point
Moving would be the obvious solution.

Since you haven’t done that already, I would assume you don’t have to money TO move, yet?

If that’s the case, interim solutions might be
- to take a job away from that neighborhood, so you’re away from it as much as possible until you do have the money to move. Ideally something live-away, though as Covid has shut down most of the travel jobs (cruise ships, etc.) options there are a bit limited. Alternatively, if the live-away jobs and contracts available don't suit?
- Going to University (or specialized certifications if you’ve already done Uni),
- A combo of both school & work ; like getting certified in a field where live-away jobs are still an option.
- inpatient treatment, in another area, that helps set patients up with work and housing in that area

If money ISN’T the issue, you’re just too mindf*cked to think your way out of a wet paper bag where you’re at? Take a vacation for a month or three. Someplace far enough away, that you can start to think clearly, again… and get yourself moved up outta the badlands.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Sometimes silence or turning the other way or complacency is a trigger, not sure if it is for you @Strugglingsaks ? Certainly plenty else you've mentioned is. 😟 Many traumas involve secrecy and denial or looking away.

I am thinking as a relative newly wed, you would have considered these options. But it might be time for a heart-to-hesrt with your SO. At least, it is likely they do care.

Hang in there. 🤗
 
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Is there a practical reason why people caring would be useful/necessary? Or is wanting others to care part of your being triggered?



Moving would be the obvious solution.

Since you haven’t done that already, I would assume you don’t have to money TO move, yet?

If that’s the case, interim solutions might be
- to take a job away from that neighborhood, so you’re away from it as much as possible until you do have the money to move. Ideally something live-away, though as Covid has shut down most of the travel jobs (cruise ships, etc.) options there are a bit limited. Alternatively, if the live-away jobs and contracts available don't suit?
- Going to University (or specialized certifications if you’ve already done Uni),
- A combo of both school & work ; like getting certified in a field where live-away jobs are still an option.
- inpatient treatment, in another area, that helps set patients up with work and housing in that area

If money ISN’T the issue, you’re just too mindf*cked to think your way out of a wet paper bag where you’re at? Take a vacation for a month or three. Someplace far enough away, that you can start to think clearly, again… and get yourself moved up outta the badlands.
I want people to care because it is literally up to others for me to be here or leave.. I am not just saying, it literally is not in my control. also all of those options sounds really great but my location currently makes everything difficult.. I feel very alone

Sometimes silence or turning the other way or complacency is a trigger, not sure if it is for you @Strugglingsaks ? Certainly plenty else you've mentioned is. 😟 Many traumas involve secrecy and denial or looking away.

I am thinking as a relative newly wed, you would have considered these options. But it might be time for a heart-to-hesrt with your SO. At least, it is likely they do care.

Hang in there. 🤗
thank you, I have tried it doesn't seem to work
 

Bluleaf

New Here
I want people to care because it is literally up to others for me to be here or leave.. I am not just saying, it literally is not in my control. also all of those options sounds really great but my location currently makes everything difficult.. I feel very alone
I am sorry you feel so alone and trapped in this situation. It seems that some solutions do not appear possible when you are in the thick of something. You know yourself and this situation better than anyone and if you feel comfortable opening up more about it, there are many people that would love to support you while you are going through this.

I also experienced traumatizing events as a young girl which lasted many years that effected my whole family. Things made public, so that we were ostracized and outcasted by our community. This is one of the most painful times of my life. I live another state away at this point and used to be able to visit yearly with my children, but at this point I can no longer visit. The trauma of those events have caught up to me. The pain is too much to bear.

If you have the power to leave please take that opportunity. If not, I hope you feel you can continue talking and opening up to people who care about you.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I think being in this position (myself also):

it literally is not in my control.
there is only what to look at that is within your/my control: our thoughts; attitudes; our choices, our self care. Our beliefs, our values. We can choose also to try to learn from and pass on something akin to wisdom, rather than passing on suffering. We can choose to know we have to seek out laughter, to remember there are always other hearts and minds on the receiving end of even our smallest actions or words, and that some are in the position now we were then, and others in the same position we are now.

I hope you can re-start your conversation and be heard.

On a practical level, I hope you can flip things or associate new things with old reminders, so that they become positive or neutral, not filled with grief or a temptation to self-shame or horror. 🤗

**I'm sorry I missed the edit, when I said choices I meant mental ones, or interior thoughts and small choices. JMHE but the larger ones must change in some way, if they don't eventually it becomes beyond unbearable.

Good luck to you, it's supposed to be fun and love is supposed to take both people's needs and fears and struggles and dreams in to account. Have another conversation with your spouse.
 
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