Relationship Help - How can I make my wife see I'm helping her, not attacking her?

Sam7787

New Here
Hi
My wife of 8 years was severely attacked by her ex husband 10 years ago. She almost died and her 3 small children were made to watch. This man has since been in and out of prison hurting multiple young women in extremely brutal ways. She was diagnosed with cptsd 10 years ago but has had no real therapy in that time. When he’s in prison she copes very well, however everytime he is released her ptsd heightens and she has a mental breakdown. The breakdown being more severe everytime. I have suffered with depression myself with what is going on in the world. However she is the type of person to never give up on the people she loves. In March she left me. I then discovered her ex was released almost the same day we split. Since then we get close now and again, then she pushes me away because she says she can’t trust me. She has kicked me out, put locks on every door in the house, wants her kids out in case he turns up and has bought the biggest dog she could find. She is also very hypervigilant, anxious, fearful and won’t trust anybody. Having flashbacks, night terrors, struggles to sleep and sleeps with a hammer under her pillow. I’ve have told her this is all her ptsd and she needs to listen to me and get help ASAP! But this only makes things worse because she sees me as the bad guy. This isn’t the first time. If I leave her alone she also gets worse. We are now at the point were she won’t even talk to me. And she has said she is having suicidal thoughts! Yet she tells everybody else she is fine and we spilt because of my depression. I don’t know what to do? If she doesn’t get help this will keep happening and it will never end!! Also it will affect her 4 children, one of which has psychosis due to what happened and two are autistic. How do I get through to her a make her see I’m helping her and not attacking her?
 

internal

Sponsor
unfortunately there is no method for you to break through and reach someone that does not want to be reached outside of physically forcing her to enter treatment. if that is not an option for you, you will have to be patient and wait until she comes to the determination on her own. and that may not happen.

if her actions are affecting her children or she is threatening suicide there is a possibility that you could get social services/hospitals involved which may prompt her to examine her behavior. but the chance of that going well and ending in reconciliation for the two of you is almost zero. a miracle may happen and she may suddenly abandon years of engrained habits and view the situation rationally-

or she could feel as though she is under attack yet again and lash out at you even worse than before. your choices in this matter are fairly simple, if blunt: leave her and forget about her, or force her to get help using outside authorities. there is sadly no magic pill that makes people behave reasonably.
 

Sam7787

New Here
unfortunately there is no method for you to break through and reach someone that does not want to be reached outside of physically forcing her to enter treatment. if that is not an option for you, you will have to be patient and wait until she comes to the determination on her own. and that may not happen.

if her actions are affecting her children or she is threatening suicide there is a possibility that you could get social services/hospitals involved which may prompt her to examine her behavior. but the chance of that going well and ending in reconciliation for the two of you is almost zero. a miracle may happen and she may suddenly abandon years of engrained habits and view the situation rationally-

or she could feel as though she is under attack yet again and lash out at you even worse than before. your choices in this matter are fairly simple, if blunt: leave her and forget about her, or force her to get help using outside authorities. there is sadly no magic pill that makes people behave reasonably.
Thanks for your quick reply.

Yes this is what I was afraid of. I love her greatly but i don't care if she hates me. As long as she gets the help she needs and gets better that is all that matters to me.
Do you think it is wise to tell her family and friends what she is really dealing with? With enough people telling her she may start to listen maybe?

Thanks again.
 

internal

Sponsor
Do you think it is wise to tell her family and friends what she is really dealing with? With enough people telling her she may start to listen maybe?
if it were me and i found out that my husband was going around telling everyone that i was abused i would consider that a severe violation of my trust. i do not think this is the correct approach. unfortunately i am unsure what the correct answer is. sometimes in life there are no-win situations. no matter what you choose she will likely take it as an assault of her, and react accordingly. what you need to prioritize is her safety and the safety of your children. that is all i know.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Sam7787 welcome to the site. Sorry for your situation. You may find this thread should be in the supporters forum. You can use 'contact us ' to speak to admin. I agree with @grief on the whole. Most importantly, don't let this situation drive you nuts. You must protect your own mental health. It's difficult, especially with kids involved. You could try mentioning this to friends and family and see what their reaction is. However be prepared that, that may not work either and you just have to back off.
 

Sam7787

New Here
if it were me and i found out that my husband was going around telling everyone that i was abused i would consider that a severe violation of my trust. i do not think this is the correct approach. unfortunately i am unsure what the correct answer is. sometimes in life there are no-win situations. no matter what you choose she will likely take it as an assault of her, and react accordingly. what you need to prioritize is her safety and the safety of your children. that is all i know.
Ah Im sorry, i wasn't very clear. Everyone knows she has ptsd and why. What they don't know is he has been released and that is what is affecting her. She just says I'm fine.
 

Sam7787

New Here
Hi @Sam7787 welcome to the site. Sorry for your situation. You may find this thread should be in the supporters forum. You can use 'contact us ' to speak to admin. I agree with @grief on the whole. Most importantly, don't let this situation drive you nuts. You must protect your own mental health. It's difficult, especially with kids involved. You could try mentioning this to friends and family and see what their reaction is. However be prepared that, that may not work either and you just have to back off.
Thank u for your feed back.
Sam
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Ah Im sorry, i wasn't very clear. Everyone knows she has ptsd and why. What they don't know is he has been released and that is what is affecting her. She just says I'm fine.
that's a perfectly normal reaction. Everyone has things that they worry about, but rather than constantly go into it, they wear a mask and say 'I'm fine' to just get through it. That's just human nature.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
As a supporter you’re pretty powerless in all of this. You can’t convince her to be healthy or change her thought patterns. You can’t help her get better, you can’t make her seek help, follow her treatment plan, or take her meds. That’s all on her. She has to realize she needs help, actually want to get help, and then put the work in herself.

We can’t do anything to “help” or “fix” our partners, we’re just along for the ride. The one exception would be if she was actually suicidal (not just suicidal ideation) or a danger to other... then calling the proper authorities for her safety would be the way to go.

Trying to convince her to get help, or trying to get her family involved, probably isn’t going to have the desired effect.
 
Top