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Help Me to Understand This One - Husband Wants Divorce

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by dazednconfused, Nov 12, 2006.

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  1. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

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    My husband now says that he has to divorce me. He says that he has so many problems and until he gets divorced from me and that I make him crazy and he cannot be sane I guess until he divorces me. He still goes off on the weekend and says he stays in a motel/hotel by himself. I just find this so hard to believe. Why would him divorcing me have anything to do with whatever is wrong with him. He says he will not be at any place that I am at, including my son's basketball games. He has to totally wipe me out of his life the way he talks and with a child, I do not see how that is possible.

    He will be talking to me so nice and then boom right in the middle of the conversation will start being hateful and mean and talking about divorce, etc.. It is like he is 2-3 different people and it is not just with me either, it is with other people, because they have asked me what is the matter with him.

    My little boy even asks me why his daddy is acting "crazy". I just don't know what to do anymore.

    Any ideas as to why he feels so strongly that he just "has" to divorce me? I asked him if there is someone else and he said "someone else, I have so many problems and I have to get rid of you before I can handle those" or something to that effect. I just don't see how getting a divorce is going to solve anything.

    If it would help him get well or he really did not love me I thought, I would just let him go, but I believe deep down he does love me as just 6 months ago before he took the Lexapro he told me that he loved me and whatever it took for our marriage to work he would do. It just does not make sense to me.

    :eek:
     
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  3. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Hi Dazed
    Sorry to hear you are having a rough time its not fair. Obviously his head is not in a good place at the moment. Is he seeing a Pysch? Especially if he is acting differently around other people that makes it hard on you. Thought are with you:hello:
    Jen
     
  4. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

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    Psych

    Yes, he is seeing a psych. I don't think it is helping though. I am so worried about him, but so far they told me the only thing I can do is to go to probate and have him declared mentally incompetant. I don't want to do that, as I really don't know what is going on with his care. I hope to be able to get some insight soon.

    I love him a lot, but this is realy wearing me down. I would just like to know if he is really seeing someone else and is just trying to cover it up, he is really mental ill or just the devil done got a hold of him or something.

    I guess time will tell. It helps to be able to vent on here.
     
  5. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Dazed,

    Anthony's input would be more helpful here than mine. I will mention your post to him. He was also on Lexapro so he will be able to give you better insight into what that medication can do to someone. It sounds to me like it is messing with your husbands chemistry in a bad way but I will let Anthony address that for you.

    As for you and your little one. I feel for you. Its extra hard when you have children, they tell you they want to leave and you can't figure out why? Anthony was considering that towards the end of last year and it broke my heart. We had been working on things, doing a PTSD course and things had been the best they had been before he went OS again. Our bubby was about 9 months old at the time and he just adored his father. Its hard to explain it to little one in any way that they can understand but since yours has asked, I would make an attempt at.

    Keep posting here and take care of you and your boy. My thoughts are with you.
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

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    I don't think it has a great deal to do with the medication actually, it is more simply his PTSD at its worst. I know this, because I went through the same thing, but unbeknownst too me that I had it at the time. I didn't know why, all I knew is that I had to escape and find myself. I needed divorce to do that. Why? Really it was for me to simply close any lose ends and allow myself to be free to find myself. Will he come back? I don't honestly know. I would prepare for not returning, as hard as that is, but that is what I see happening.

    It will take him years to work himself out. Years you can wait for him still if you want, or you can heal yourself and move on in your, and your sons life. I would suggest, prepare yourself that he is not coming back, and if he does, its just a bonus. PTSD is not a nice thing if severe enough, let alone any amount of it really, but I know and understand severity, lived it and recovering from it. He won't honestly know whether he is coming or going. His internals will be pulling him apart, living on the spur of the moment with little regard for himself. This is going to take him a long time to come to terms with, and some never do and remain on this destructive path til death. I would brace for impact to be honest, start the ball rolling on child support, hit him for some of the pain he is causing you, and if you want to leave the door open for him to return if he feels that way when he finds himself, that is only a decision you can make.
     
  7. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Can it be that with all the problems he is having he just wants out already? Maybe he does not want to take you under with him? I am not going to blame this one completely and only on PTSD because i dont see anywhere that PTSD makes you stop loving your spouse and makes you want to leave them...
    For anybody that has PTSD. Her husband is going away on weekends...staying the night in hotels...he has even changed his cellphone number so she cannot reach him!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dazed, you need to get to the bottom of this! Is he cheating? he might be.
    My situation is when my husband was noticing his PTSD and didnt know how to deal with it he went to another woman for comfort because he says i couldnt be there for him...so it lead him to someone else.... whether its PTSD or not, i think its a bunch of excuses aka crap! and he needs to be honest with you...
    He has told you he doesnt love you and that he wants a divoce... he is not thinking of his child. He owes you an explanation.
    I dont mean to sound aggressive, but i have been so patient for so long and i wait and wait for my husband to get better....i wait as he does what he needs to do whether its not working and spending all the alone time in the world but there comes a point where you dont feel needed anymore...you dont see the point of a marriage anymore and it shouldnt be that way.
    I always tell my husband that when/if the time comes that he does not want me anymore...he better be a man and tell me to my face that he no longer wants anything with me for good and then i will leave.
     
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  8. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

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    I think that is pretty solid advice Andrea... well said.
     
  9. Jaynea

    Jaynea Member

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    Hi It's been awhile since I posted...things were good annd Yeah it's over...only it's not. Anyway, I looked in this AM and read the post from Dazednconfused...and I felt like giving her a huge hug. You sound in such pain. I happen to agree with Andrea42..Start saving yourself and your child.Sometimes there is nothing you can do anymore. How much of your life do you owe to someone else? And just think the holidays are almost here anyone married to PTSD knows that's a whole other challenge. Be strong and examine your own options...you might look back someday and wonder why it took so long for you to get out. Good luck
     
  10. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

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    Hi

    Thanks for all your posts. It really helps to have someone to talk to.

    I guess the hardest part other than missing my husband is that my whole life I have had someone hollering at me and telling me how stupid I was and a host of other cuss words strung in there and even when I met my husband, although he never cussed me, told me how stupid I was and I could never please him either. My daddy drank the whole time I was a child and it was always chaos as far as I can remember. Then I met my husband and thought things would be different because he did not drink. Things were fine for awhile, but then he would get so angry at me for any little thing. I could never please him either. I never noticed that it was abnormal I guess, because it "was not as bad as living with an alcoholic". Now that I am away from the hollering and it is just me and my little boy, it is so quiet and "normal". I have never had "normal" and it scares me I guess. I don't know how to feel or act. I have never had that. I feel guilty for liking the quiet. I feel like that maybe there is something wrong with me.

    It still just seems like a nightmare to me though. I just feel so awful and his family is blaming me, because he is on the medicine. They even said it out lout at Church the other night, something like, He only spanked our child and that I made him leave and then I made him go to the psychologist and they put him on the medicine and it just "wiped his mind out" and that is why he is acting this way. He really hurt my child or I would never have left that night. I was abused when I was a child and I would never let my child go through what I did. I feel horrible enough already for him having bruises on him like that without the family making light of it and saying that I "over-reacted". Of course since all this started, I have found out that my husband indeed was abused, they just don't see blooding his nose or slapping him or calling him stupid abuse. I thought the whole time that he was just making those things up, but it really happened and I feel horrible and like I let him down for not believing him.

    I know I did the right thing making my husband get treatment for his anger, etc.. Even if he does divorce me, I would not do things any differently I don't think. My child comes first. He is so precious to me. We tried for 7 years to conceive and he is such a miracle child and now my husband says he never even wanted children. Oh he says he loves him now that he is "here", but he really did not want children. I don't know where this is coming from. We went through all those fertility tests and all that stuff and if he did not want a child, why could he not just say that. Now my child is suffering, because he wants hardly anything to do with him at all and my little boy just keeps saying "there is something wrong with my daddy, My daddy would not do this to you and me mama. My daddy loves us". It breaks my heart. I love that little guy so much and wish I could shelter him from all this, but I can't.

    Thanks so much for listening.

    Hope you all have a blessed day.

    :smile:
     
  11. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Dazed,
    You are in denial and i am sorry... I understand where you are coming from. I didnt have the best life growing up either...yet when i met my husband i thought right then and there that my life would be perfect! Now i see that not even the person you love with all your heart can always help certain situations or the way they feel and let me remind you in case you forgot that its not your fault. Your child is a miracle so since his father cannot be there for him at the moment you must be there and you must be strong and do what is right. It is hard :( but its reality and i know we sometimes dont want to face it (i still feel i am in denial sometimes) but its for the best if you do... Remember people dont know what they really have until its gone so maybe he will see that you are taking charge and taking care of things and your child and he might want to join in on the journey. It gets tough....to the point where we sometimes want to run away from it all and viseversa but dont give up....you have not lost everything. you still have your baby... do all you can for him in the meantime, sounds like he needs it and hopefully daddy will wake up and see whats hes doing.

    Anthony,
    Thanks, i hate to be brutally honest, but thats how it really is....i just dont see that people talk about it much. But it gets ugly :( and we have to face it some time or another.... i would know.....
     
  12. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

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    Andrea, I love brutally honest, most likely why I connected with your post here. Relationships can be hard at the best of times with societies pressures nowadays, let alone with illness involved. Some work, some don't... I am as guilty as sin for this myself, when I went of the rails. Left my wife in the dark, didn't see it coming, nor did I really. I basically just decided that I had had enough and told her, then left. Why? Well, I didn't know I had PTSD then, but I can certainly understand it a whole lot better now.

    I had so much going on inside me, I simply could not handle the pressures of a relationship, regardless of marriage, I know now I could not handle it at that time. I turned into an alcoholic for a good six months after that, and only decreased that consumption by half, which would probably still make me an alcoholic for the years after that even, but I could atleast function better after the first six months. I had so much pain inside me from overseas, that I simply did not know what to do with it, where to direct it or anything really in regard to it. All I knew is that I had to escape life for a while, try and hide some of the pain and rid it so I could function again.

    If I knew then what I know now... well, things might have been different, but then without walking the path, I also wouldn't off had the experience to believe it if someone told me at that time in my life with PTSD controlling me. Yes, I still feel guilt to this day about my actions, but I also know that I didn't want to continue to be married to her for some other reasons, though my PTSD certainly did control most of my life back then.
     
  13. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

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    Well guys, now, my husband tells me that if I contest the divorce that he will say that I spousally abused him and if that does not work, he will just give up all rights to his child and walk away for good.

    He also told me now, that he has medical problems (chemical) is what he says. I have no idea what is wrong with him regarding that.

    He just keeps saying that my son and I will be better off without him. He told me that I cannot tell him I love him and I cannot talk to him at all except through letters and then I can only talk in a "business-like" manner.

    His family is still blaming me and one of them told me that at least I would have my son, my husband will have "nobody". What a load of crap. He does not have to have "nobody". He has a wife that 3-4 months ago, he adored and told he loved everyday, along with a son he said he loved and adored.

    I told him I would contest the divorce, as I don't think he is really in any state to make a decision like that, that affects all three of our lives and also, he wants to walk away and only pay child support and none of our "bills". I have been married for a long time to this man and love him unconditionally and it is not going to be that easy for him to just "walk away".

    Besides that, we will be connected for a long time because of our son and about the only way he cannot ever "see my face" or "hear my voice" again is when I am cold and in the grave, so don't really know how he plans on handling this, but I love him and plan on trying to be there for him either which way this goes, but I am not in the mood for a quicky divorce and will not be told "this is the way it is going to be". You will do as I say or else. That just does not work anymore on me. I have been put through too much crap already and as I think he is "sick", until I know for sure that he does not really love me anymore, I will not give in.

    He does not say he does not love me anymore. He just says that I am so beautiful and it is not anything I have done, it is him and he just does not want to hurt us, etc... etc... cry me a handful. Why is it always all about him? What he wants? What about what I want? I want a husband that will be there for me. I want a husband that will be there for my child.

    I may be in denial like andrea said earlier. I just do not understand this mess and it seems, I may never understand it fully.

    I am not saying that I am perfect or anything, but with him telling me how wonderful I am, why does he want to just leave and go become a hermit?

    Anthony, I know has said he just wanted to get away, but he was in the war or something I think and that had to be horrible. I know my husband may have had some trauma as a child, but can he not just get over it? I have had to "get over it" and my childhood was I think much more traumatic. There comes a time I think when you have to quit feeling sorry for yourself and pick yourself up and go on. I am having to do that now with all this and seems like he should try to, also.
    :crazy:
     
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