Relationship Help someone recover from PTSD

R

Rajv

Hi,

I am Raj and I belong to India.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year now and in the past few months we have been into so many fights and arguments. Some of these times we have said many cruel and hurtful things to eachother. The thing my girlfriend is scared to death of is being hit by her parents and in some our fights I said that I'll tell your parents and ever since that moment she gets very much anxious and scared around me.

I have been trying to fix what I did because I would rather die then leave her alone. I am willing to do everything to get her back to normal, but as I'm the reason for her anxiety nothing seems to work so far.

I just want to know if there's anything I can do rather than leaving her and make things alright because she doesn't want to leave me, but she gets stressed every time we talk.
 

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The thing my girlfriend is scared to death of is being hit by her parents and in some our fights I said that I'll tell your parents and ever since that moment she gets very much anxious and scared around me.
so obviously, stop doing this.

I have been trying to fix what I did because I would rather die then leave her alone.
this is entirely self focused. you're focusing on how you feel. not on how she feels. being literally threatened with violence. by you.

I just want to know if there's anything I can do rather than leaving her and make things alright
do you want to be lied to? because i can lie to you. or i can tell you she would probably be better off if you did leave.

and if this sounds harsh that's because it is. do you really want to keep this person in your life? then you need to do the work and stop being abusive. and even if you do the work, and stop being abusive.

there is no guarantee that she will just get over your behavior. especially if she already has ptsd from prior abuse. (which you exploited. for funsies? i'm assuming.)
 
Last edited:

nursenurse

MyPTSD Pro
Whoever wrote the adage “sticks and stones” was a liar. Words hurt. PTSD, no PTSD. What you have done, by threatening to tell her parents, is threatened her with violence, by your own admission, several times. This is never justifiable, and you may not be able to “fix” this by trying to fix yourself (which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work on yourself). You have ceased to be a source of safety and acceptance. If you both are saying cruel things to each other during your arguments, why are you together at all? How does this provide either of you with the sense of safety and nurturing that a relationship is supposed to provide? It sounds like neither of you is bringing out the best in each other, and this is early in the relationship. Cruelty has no place in any relationship, verbally, emotionally, or physically. Take a breather, this is a time for self reflection and how you can become a more loving supportive person in any relationship.
 

Friday

Moderator
I would rather die then leave her alone.
If this is why you threatened to tell her parents ((IE you don’t trust her to be left on her own, and if you leave you’ll call her family to be with her, whatever happens after that no longer being your responsibility)) … That’s a fairly normal, reasonable thing to do. Passing the responsibility for a vulnerable person to a responsible person, rather than just leaving them to fend for themselves. But it puts you in a difficult position if her family isn’t safe.

1. If you refuse to leave her alone, that traps you with her, UNTIL you can find another alternative. Find one. No one should be trapped with someone they don’t want to be with, or that doesn’t want them there. If not family? Friends, neighbours, police, doctors, someone… needs to be found. So YOU can take a step back, and no longer be responsible for her health & welfare. Honourably.

or?

2. (Which may or may not work in your part of India, I do not know) Make the decision to trust her to be responsible for herself.

^^^ In most of the places I’ve lived? The 2nd option is what is legally and morally correct, as long as the person being left is not a child. Adults are responsible for themselves. In some places that I’ve lived? Women are not legally/morally responsible for themselves and need a male authority figure to hold guardianship. And in others no one in a relationship is legally/morally responsible for themselves and needs to be passed to another person, or the person leaving someone else alone is legally -or morally- responsible for whatever happens when they leave. India is a VAST country, with maaaaaaany different moralities and laws, so I can’t speak to what’s legal or morally “correct”. I can ONLY say that if her parents are not a safe place for you to hand responsibility off to? AND you’re required to, by law or by conscious? You need to find someone else. Personally, or professionally.

Even, or especially, if you plan to stay together. Both of you need respite. In healthy families, that would mean she would visit her family for a time, to give both of you space. If that option is not available? Find another option.
 
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