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Help, therapist wants me to stop dissociating and i want help to understand my parts

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AnD

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know how to explain this. I'll write short and try to ask my question.

My therapist wants me to stop the dissociation. I want to dive into it but with a safety net. She doesn't know how and I don't know either. The strategy has been very effective against flashbacks.

She thinks I am sending her mixed signals about what to do. Like I want her to help me out if my parts take over my body. Otherwise be curious. I think I do send mixed signals. I guess I am confused.

It is not working out. She gets frustrated by me asking for opposite things, and I get scared and feel helpless. And if she has any emotions towards me I feel like I am a bad person. And that it is my fault that I don't like my family.

I don't feel that we are even talking about the same things. I don't know how to deal.

I have a written down what I want to do when I dissociate, it is most likely when I have an emotional flashback or similar.

I want to express:
What am I feeling?
What am I thinking?
Who is it/what part is it?
Then get emotional support for expressing my feelings

I have talked about it. Yet, I am not able to say when I dissociate because I don't feel safe to express myself. I don't feel that she understands this part.

What should I do?
 
I don't know how to explain this. I'll write short and try to ask my question.

My therapist wants me to st...
To me, it sounds like you’re on the right track. My t and I ran into this and we worked on parts. If you’re t isn’t experienced with this, it might be helpful for her to study up.

Parts work can be frustrating, but the more she understands it and can get to know your parts and earn their trust, the less you will dissociate.

She will have more patience if she understands how parts work. You’re protector parts are only going to step in the way if she’s getting frustrated. They each have a job and it’s important to understand them. You’re not doing anything wrong, your parts are doing their jobs. They’re created to protect you, she has to earn their trust and be safe for them. She’s not going to get anywhere if she’s getting pissed at them.
 
Thanks, for your input. It is how I want to work on things.

I think I will try again with her and explain how I want it.

I left the office feeling insane and a bad person.

You gave me some confidence to continue asking for it. But if she can't I will stop asking. And it will be painful.
 
Thanks, for your input. It is how I want to work on things.

I think I will try again with her and explain...
I think it’s good you’re trying to tell her again, but if she’s still not hearing you, this is concerning. It sounds like she’s not qualified to handle dissociation and is expecting you to fix it yourself. You deserve someone who’s invested in helping you and it sounds like you know what you need.

Have you been going to her for very long? Do you feel like she’s a good fit for you?
 
I have been with her for 2.5 years. She has helped me a lot. She is mostly good w Ptsd and emdr.

I had a really shitty therapist before that broke me.

Dissociation...well, T is not always good and it is scary and lonely.

We don't always understand each other and I get scared if she shows any signs of mood.

I asked her today if she was angry. Her fist was closed, then she leaned forward. I dont remember her answer. But not angry.
 
Dissociation...well, T is not always good and it is scary and lonely
Dissociation is super tough to work through, but well worth it in the end I think.

We don't always understand each other and I get scared if she shows any signs of mood.
Does this has anything to do with your past therapist or your trauma?

It sounds like you’re in tune and sensitive to her feelings. Is this something you can discuss when it’s not happening or do you think you’ll disassociate?

Sometimes I write to my t when I can’t talk about it easily. That has helped me.
 
I want to work through it. I am not functioning the way I want to.

Yes, I am in tune. Or hypervigilant, I would say on how she reacts to me. That makes me dissociate and I want to address it so I can work through it. First by voicing my experience and make sure she knows it is transference.

My hypervigilance has both got to do past trauma and therapist. My trauma is sibling abuse, physical and emotional. And neglect from my parents, where I could suffer from pain until I puked and did not get medical help. My dad bullying my mom.

My full focus when interacting is to not annoy anyone, because it would be my fault and I would be punished with death.

My therapist contacted me with an appointment tomorrow. Free of charge. I found it so strange, so I asked why. She said she wanted to understand me. And we ended the session poorly.

I will write to her what I need from her. Hopefully it will be better in writing. I am dissociating a lot in therapy and I can't think properly.

Thank you, @Muted for your reaching out to me. What a kind gesture.

I am scared that things will go to shit tomorrow. And I want to prepare for Christmas. There is a high risk that I will dissociate with parts taking over my body and I need to feel that I have a process to lean on.

Right now I have go to sleep as my cure for dissociation.
 
From past experience, it is up to the therapist to work within your window of tolerance to deal with your dissociation. She needs to expose you to dissociative matter in a gentle way and then pull you back again. So if you are planning on staying with her, I would suggest that you ask her what she knows about the window of tolerance and suggest she read up on it.

I would be curious to hear how she was thinking that you would be able to work on your own dissociation. That, as far as I am concerned, again, usually requires the help of a t.
 
@shimmerz in my limited experience I would have to say that you are spot on. I didn’t even know what dissociation was when I started therapy. It took me 6 months to realise how much time I was losing in session. We work on this together. I try to communicate if I am aware I am drifting and she brings me back as needed. Then we talk about my dogs. I like to joke that my WoT (she refers to it a LOT) is about 2mm wide at the moment lol
 
Ever try super sour candies to bring you back in session? I learned how to recognize and stop dissociation when I would carry around a bunch of crazy sours. If I felt myself drifting, BAM! Candy would snap me right back to myself again. That way you are learning the skills to 'dose yourself' out of dissociation. I have to be honest, it was painful sometimes. Super effective though.
 
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