HELP! Today's therapy session went horribly wrong. Panic during a ‘relaxation’ exercise??

[DogTired]

Night time, and I can't fight off my demons anymore. It goes like this.
Combat exposed me to horrific things. After 30 years plus of coping, BANG! They're back, in glorious color..
The flashbacks I can cope with but the nightmares are not nice. Not nice at all.
I see, feel, smell, hear, and relive, in real time, while interacting with the team I worked with.
The 'film' runs in 3 ways.
1. The nightmare runs it's course. I wake up, usually noisily. My wife can calm me down BUT that's sleep for the night finished.
2. The nightmare is running, I'm either thrashing about or talking in a language I once knew. Wife wakes me, mid dream, calms me, I go back to sleep.
3. The nightmare runs, I don't wake up or wake the wife, but in the morning we have to change the bed as I'm soaked in sweat. Nice eh.

Today the therapist tried a little bit of 'relaxation training' over a secure video link.
To say I reacted BADLY during it, is putting it politely. Panic, the shakes, and utter confusion.
To the question "What the hell just happened"? The therapist just sat there seemingly lost for words.
I think I scared him as he is going to consult his senior therapist on why and what to do next and that was the video call finished.

Now I'm thinking was "relaxation training" a code word for hypnosis as I have no idea what happened to trigger such a reaction.
I literally "woke up" in a state of confusion, swamped by emotions and pain, I've seldom experienced for years.

Simple question. Has anyone experienced something like this?

 

[Matmul]

Night time, and I can't fight off my demons anymore. It goes like this.
Combat exposed me to horrific things. After 30 years plus of coping, BANG! They're back, in glorious color..
The flashbacks I can cope with but the nightmares are not nice. Not nice at all.
I see, feel, smell, hear, and relive, in real time, while interacting with the team I worked with.
The 'film' runs in 3 ways.
1. The nightmare runs it's course. I wake up, usually noisily. My wife can calm me down BUT that's sleep for the night finished.
2. The nightmare is running, I'm either thrashing about or talking in a language I once knew. Wife wakes me, mid dream, calms me, I go back to sleep.
3. The nightmare runs, I don't wake up or wake the wife, but in the morning we have to change the bed as I'm soaked in sweat. Nice eh.

Today the therapist tried a little bit of 'relaxation training' over a secure video link.
To say I reacted BADLY during it, is putting it politely. Panic, the shakes, and utter confusion.
To the question "What the hell just happened"? The therapist just sat there seemingly lost for words.
I think I scared him as he is going to consult his senior therapist on why and what to do next and that was the video call finished.

Now I'm thinking was "relaxation training" a code word for hypnosis as I have no idea what happened to trigger such a reaction.
I literally "woke up" in a state of confusion, swamped by emotions and pain, I've seldom experienced for years.

Simple question. Has anyone experienced something like this?

Hi Dogtired. I had nightmares or, as I called them - terror mares. They lasted for years almost every night.

I was driving home one night after suffering from PTSD without knowing what it was or that I was suffering from it. A radio program I was listening to introduced the subject and I recognised the symptoms right away and everything became clear to me. I had tried every trick in the book to stabilise myself in ordinary society and was able to cope on a very tenuous and superficial level. Basically I was just about coping day to day but my life had no meaning and I dreaded falling asleep each night.

Two things have helped my recovery.

The last quarter of the radio program was dedicated to what the radio guest termed Post Traumatic Growth.

This term gave me some hope because it meant there was something out there that was tangible and possibly attainable and may even work for me.

This was the start of my recovery. Knowing there was something possible that could stop my terrormares.

The second thing was some therapy I took which taught me that - and this goes against the grain for most people - there is no objective meaning to life. None. Life is just a series of events that unfold and anything can happen as a result.

The only meaning in life ate the meanings that we attach to it. In other words, we as individuals have the opportunity to adjust the meanings/psychological outcomes of events that have occurred in our life.

These two concepts/understandings fixed the following things for me:
1. I got over my survivors guilt: If life is a series of opportunistic and random events then I’m a lucky guy because I got to live and was again offered all the wonderful gifts life has to offer. All I had to do was take advantage of them. Those that didn’t make it, well it was their time and that’s it. There is no connection between me and the fact that it was their time. For those who may have survived and were changed in some way. That is their journey, not mine. I realised that Allocating responsibility to myself for events I had no control of was just plain nuts.

2. Realising that there was an alternative out there that could mean that the nightmares stopped, that I could feel something again instead of travelling through life in a Zombifyed state. That my disappointment is in humanity was unjustified. That provided me with the key to the ignition that would fix me.

3. My Terror mares eventually stopped. Just like that, one night I didn’t have one, then another, then another and they have stayed away apart from maybe once or twice every couple of years. When they happen now I use them as a reminder of how I was and how far I have come. Although scary as s**t still I view them as a positive thing.

4. Being a survivor has changed the way I think. It has made me stronger mentally. It has helped me see things in a completely different way. A good way. I have this memory of an extreme and very violent attack on my mental and emotional self and I beat it. It doesn’t rule my life anymore.

I would be lying to say this happened over a short period of time because it didn’t. It was a slow process. I am replying to your post because I want you to know that those terrible nights can stop and although you may not get there after reading about any of my experiences - we are all on our own journey - the key message I want to offer is that it is possible. I know, I have done it and life for me is far richer being on this side and I realise that the term growth when used in Post Traumatic Growth has is exactly that. Best of luck with your recovery.

 

[Friday]

Nest? Now physically wrecked, mentally Fk'd, I ended up in a PROPER hospital in France.
NOTHING like the "league of nations 3rd grade English and qualifications well dubious at best", melting pots you find in the UK's NHS today.

I recovered, once, in a German hospital… OMFG. I’ve never had such… complete?… care in my life. Stages 1,2,3 were all ICU/hospital-normal. But then I was prescribed to work in the gardens? To go fishing? To “live on my own” in a flat, IN the durn hospital?!? So I still had 24/7 access to doctors/nurses/physios?!? Whilst reclaiming my independence? WTFO. Tip of the iceberg, and I reeeeeally didn’t appreciate it, at the time. I just wanted OUT. 20-something years later? I wish Incould go back and kiss, full on the mouth, the people who made my life -as I knew it- possible.

NO ONE, BUT NO ONE, does recovering from starvation & torture, better, than the Deutsch.

 

[Friday]

As far as finding trauma therapists… in the US, you find & refer yourself. Even if you have insurance AND they accept it (rare)… it’s a bit of a slog. Unless you just get lucky as all hell.

I work with 2 trauma therapists… intermittently. Both are PsyDs (doctor of psychology), with a couple decades of practical experience, plus all the extra trainings. One? Happens to be local. Only about an hour away. The other, is 5 hours, each way. 1 is military. 1 is NGO. THEY BOTH hit different HARD PLACES I have, and can work well with them.

 

[DogTired]

Happy you're getting good help my friend.

I recovered, once, in a German hospital… OMFG. I’ve never had such… complete?… care in my life. Stages 1,2,3 were all ICU/hospital-normal. But then I was prescribed to work in the gardens? To go fishing? To “live on my own” in a flat, IN the durn hospital?!? So I still had 24/7 access to doctors/nurses/physios?!? Whilst reclaiming my independence? WTFO. Tip of the iceberg, and I reeeeeally didn’t appreciate it, at the time. I just wanted OUT. 20-something years later? I wish Incould go back and kiss, full on the mouth, the people who made my life -as I knew it- possible.

NO ONE, BUT NO ONE, does recovering from starvation & torture, better, than the Deutsch.

Agreed, when serving abroad, my wife needed help,. German hospital, fantastic care.
My question now is as FR and DE do it so well, so why the hell won't my wife move there!

 

[Friday]

Agreed, when serving abroad, my wife needed help,. German hospital, fantastic care.
My question now is as FR and DE do it so well, so why the hell won't my wife move there!

Right?!?

Family. We love them despite,,, all the times we wish to throttle them.

 

[DogTired]

Hi Dogtired. I had nightmares or, as I called them - terror mares. They lasted for years almost every night.

I was driving home one night after suffering from PTSD without knowing what it was or that I was suffering from it. A radio program I was listening to introduced the subject and I recognised the symptoms right away and everything became clear to me. I had tried every trick in the book to stabilise myself in ordinary society and was able to cope on a very tenuous and superficial level. Basically I was just about coping day to day but my life had no meaning and I dreaded falling asleep each night.

Two things have helped my recovery.

The last quarter of the radio program was dedicated to what the radio guest termed Post Traumatic Growth.

This term gave me some hope because it meant there was something out there that was tangible and possibly attainable and may even work for me.

This was the start of my recovery. Knowing there was something possible that could stop my terrormares.

The second thing was some therapy I took which taught me that - and this goes against the grain for most people - there is no objective meaning to life. None. Life is just a series of events that unfold and anything can happen as a result.

The only meaning in life ate the meanings that we attach to it. In other words, we as individuals have the opportunity to adjust the meanings/psychological outcomes of events that have occurred in our life.

These two concepts/understandings fixed the following things for me:
1. I got over my survivors guilt: If life is a series of opportunistic and random events then I’m a lucky guy because I got to live and was again offered all the wonderful gifts life has to offer. All I had to do was take advantage of them. Those that didn’t make it, well it was their time and that’s it. There is no connection between me and the fact that it was their time. For those who may have survived and were changed in some way. That is their journey, not mine. I realised that Allocating responsibility to myself for events I had no control of was just plain nuts.

2. Realising that there was an alternative out there that could mean that the nightmares stopped, that I could feel something again instead of travelling through life in a Zombifyed state. That my disappointment is in humanity was unjustified. That provided me with the key to the ignition that would fix me.

3. My Terror mares eventually stopped. Just like that, one night I didn’t have one, then another, then another and they have stayed away apart from maybe once or twice every couple of years. When they happen now I use them as a reminder of how I was and how far I have come. Although scary as s**t still I view them as a positive thing.

4. Being a survivor has changed the way I think. It has made me stronger mentally. It has helped me see things in a completely different way. A good way. I have this memory of an extreme and very violent attack on my mental and emotional self and I beat it. It doesn’t rule my life anymore.

I would be lying to say this happened over a short period of time because it didn’t. It was a slow process. I am replying to your post because I want you to know that those terrible nights can stop and although you may not get there after reading about any of my experiences - we are all on our own journey - the key message I want to offer is that it is possible. I know, I have done it and life for me is far richer being on this side and I realise that the term growth when used in Post Traumatic Growth has is exactly that. Best of luck with your recovery.

Thanks for the reply.
Um, hard to answer but:-
1. I have no survivors guilt,
2, what passes as humanity nowadays sucks as my country is sinking into some really bad mire.
3, because I've lost all control, my demons are running the show and getting more intense as I'm getting ZERO support in the UK,
4, I always have been a survivor, however without my wife's support . . . . I'd end up turning into a full on basket case.

So I'm happy for you being happy.

The UK system is so frustrating. I live in East Anglia and we have 1 psychiatrist for that area so seeing him isn't possible as the waiting list is up to 8 years. The local county system is a very light touch with courses on self esteem, coping with depression etc and you can do any or all of these courses 3 times before they consider you for deeper counselling which involves group therapy and DBT for BPD. I've been lumped into a diagnosis as that's the only help available.
I'm not sure how much detail I can go into but I know it needs unravelling. I hate this one size fits all approach. I cannot afford therapy myself as I barely work anymore and have no pension so it's just PIP that I survive on.

sad to read. At least I have a pension.
The tossers at the DWP they everything off but the basic PIP off me, because I could touch my thumb with my middle finger.

Hi @DogTired

You've gotten some great advice here. I hope you can make some progress with this problem.

Unfortunately, as every case of PTSD is so unique, there's a LOT of trial and error figuring it out and unfortunately basically a lot of it is up to us to figure out. I wonder sometimes what trauma therapy will be like in 100 years... Whether they'll have finally figured it out by then.

When I'm frustrated by the poor standard of care, which is often, I try to tell myself that it's good that I wasn't born 50 years earlier or a 100 years earlier or in a much poorer country, cos then I'd have no mental health system at all... I know it's small comfort sometimes, but it does help me see the glass half full. But then I've been doing trauma therapy for 20+ years now, so I'm through the initial utterly confusing and totally horrible phase...

Do you mind me asking what defense passive is/ how it works? (No in depth details required, of course, if that's difficult to talk about.)

IF you look up Military Sleep, that's pretty close. It's a way of super fast relaxation that easily makes for a black sleep (no dreams).
Except I usually resist the sleep bit.

Yes I've been told any help is better than none too. I have two minds on that as a bad therapist can do more damage. I told my last triage that I had been badly triggered during a session and they now give me shallow counselling and are aware that therapy can in itself be a huge trigger. Now I just to have a counsellor that's willing to deal with triggering me at a deeper level to help OR should I let that sleeping dog lie.

I can't and won't give anyone advise. The reason is I'm approaching the stage where I will react to the BS and excuses.
After all nothing says it better than turning up on a fake therapist's door with a baseball bat and asking him if he wants to come out to play.

 

[Rose White]

To “live on my own” in a flat, IN the durn hospital?

Today I was reading about Samuel Coleridge Taylor (wrote Rime of the Ancient Mariner and Kubla Khan), died in 1834, but in the last two decades of his life he rented from and lived with doctors because he was so sick with laudanum addiction. I guess doctors kept their neediest patients close by. That German hospital sounds amazing—I wonder if they are still like that? Maybe I will ask in the “Ask a Foreigner” thread.

NO ONE, does recovering from starvation & torture, better, than the Deutsch

And airplanes too! Rode on Lufthansa once—such a sense of humanity and care.

 

[DogTired]

Today I was reading about Samuel Coleridge Taylor (wrote Rime of the Ancient Mariner and Kubla Khan), died in 1834, but in the last two decades of his life he rented from and lived with doctors because he was so sick with laudanum addiction. I guess doctors kept their neediest patients close by. That German hospital sounds amazing—I wonder if they are still like that? Maybe I will ask in the “Ask a Foreigner” thread.

And airplanes too! Rode on Lufthansa once—such a sense of humanity and care.

Lufthansa? I wish. The only flights I ever took were is combat colors and full of other guys all dressed the same.
Funny bit about it, they all bitched like mad about the red webbing seating while I fell asleep like a baby!

 

[hypervigilant]

After all nothing says it better than turning up on a fake therapist's door with a baseball bat and asking him if he wants to come

This had me roaring out loud.

 

[Friday]

Except I usually resist the sleep bit.

When there’s nothing left to fight? Fight sleep.

Find something to fight for.

 

[DogTired]

So, this therapist who isn't.
The vet service working with me phoned and said "who"? The provider turned out to be a subcontractor. OMG.
After explaining things, an email was sent requesting a combat vet aware therapist. Now I'm waiting to see what happens.

Only it doesn't stop there. The health service trainee psychologist is 'sort of' not coming back. Which is good as she never could understand where I was coming from.
The liaison phoning me today to "explain" things. What next?
Some time in January they may manage to sort something out.

So that's 6 months gone, two clinical nurses, one mental health support nurse (who was a little gem), a "not" therapist, and a trainee psychologist.

Honestly. You ask for help, are helpful, attentive, interactive, and trying your best for them. I never lost my temper (and boy that was damn hard at times), and in return for my labors? Nowt! (Nowt is a northern English and Scottish word meaning nothing or nothing at all).

Guess I should have listened to my PTSD buddy as he did warn me that might happen as it did for him for three times. If only I could remember the location of the French hospital that treated me the first time!

 

[hypervigilant]

So sorry to hear this buddy, the UK mental health system is really a sorry state of affairs. Our local wellbeing centre is where all cases are sent first and that's all trainee psychologists for the primary sessions. I only got to a CBT therapist after 4 years of being returned by my GP. I've had 3 self esteem sessions over those years as it's all they can provide and it took the third course for me to be moved to the mental health team.
I wish something as simple as a 6/12 week self esteem course could be enough to put me back together but I know that my brain works differently from the being locked away from 1 year old, withheld food, tortured regularly. I'm sadly one of those kids on the front of the paper that they say should never happen again. I'm always told that I'm resilient like I've got this far 60. I just want to sleep with no more nightmares and make sense of my triggers. I like you have a lovely hubby who brings me back to reality, holding my hand all night but he needs sleep as he is the bread winner. Even my GP is frustrated by the lack of support. I'm now waiting for a space in group therapy ( again I can do this course 3 times before moving on if it's not for me) it just feels like they are wasting my time.