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Help with making decisions?

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Teasel

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All this stuff jumbled up in my brain and I need to get it out maybe.

Feeling the lack of a regular natter (chat) with a mate (friend) too which is so helpful a thing to have. And maybe I can try a bit here to sort out my head...

So I think I've got some big decisions coming up soon. For how I want my life to be like, where I want to base myself, what to do going forward as far as finding who the heck I am after a couple decades abusive relationship.

Lots of rehabilitation and care of myself, get myself back functioning and healthy and out in the world not so isolated.

And feels to be starting from ... not scratch, but a fresh at least.... don't know how to say what I want to.

Be grateful for any ideas or methods or tips and tricks or bits of wisdom anyone has on the topic.

Also if you've had to do something at all similar, anything you'd like to say on the topic?

Thanks ♡
 
Hi @berlinda - I get this predicament. I'm in the midst of a similar maelstrom myself. Listening......

Is the "stuff" that's filling your mind the same as the decisions you need to make/act on? If not, where are you at with dealing with that? i.e. do you need suggestions in sorting that out?

I've been trying some solutions that have helped me orient myself in the past and have heard a few suggestions of late that seemed helpful, so I'm trying them as well. One is to set goals and then track backward with the steps needed to accomplish the goal, and then start ticking off the steps you take as you go toward reaching the goal.

For how I want my life to be like, where I want to base myself, what to do going forward as far as finding who the heck I am after a couple decades abusive relationship.

Have you done any journaling/study/research/planning about these?

Lots of rehabilitation and care of myself, get myself back functioning and healthy and out in the world not so isolated.

Same here, have you defined/researched self-care and ways to get back out into the world? Have you listed what you're interested in and then looked for opportunities to engage in those activities in the world?

Sorry for all the questions, I'm not sure where you're at in this process and don't want to overload you. I'm a planner and great at that, it's getting past that when I fall down and sit for a while. In case it might help, I'll share what I did last week to get me started. I wrote out a list of all the negative thoughts in my mind that are holding me back and holding me down, listed what I have coming up immediately that I need to address in terms of deadlines, listed what I "need" to do sooner rather than later, and I wrote up a list of strengths/weaknesses/opportunities/threats (SWOT - it's a business evaluative tool that I tweak for myself). I also had to do some thinking about what I feel I'm capable of right now (what I CAN) do because I'm still pretty weak and having difficulties thinking straight from having the flu (I hope this passes soon!) and make daily lists. I'm also doing a fair bit of journaling and working on processing my thinking - I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts and dreams.

I'll stop here for now and check back in. Hope some/any of this was helpful. ? Heart hugs to you. ?
 
Thanks ever so much for your reply and the heart hugs, I really do appreciate them. Sorry I couldn't reply promptly, am struggling with avoiding stuff which is pretty common when I feel overwhelmed. Not greatly helpful but there we are :)

Is the "stuff" that's filling your mind the same as the decisions you need to make/act on? If not, where are you at with dealing with that? i.e. do you need suggestions in sorting that out?

For sure being aware I need to make some decisions is a big part of what's going through my mind a lot. The other big part is I think, trying to avoid stuff. A tug of war!

I very much would like suggestions / be able to bounce ideas around re that. I've got to decide where I am going to live in the future. As in where in the country, as well as whether to make a new start or stay in the area I'm in.

There is a little bit of a pull between the desire to be in a big city and out in the country too.

Though I think I'm learning towards staying in a city still. And I think I'm learning towards going to a new city vs staying in this one. But I still feel quite up in the air on it all.

I've been trying some solutions that have helped me orient myself in the past and have heard a few suggestions of late that seemed helpful, so I'm trying them as well. One is to set goals and then track backward with the steps needed to accomplish the goal, and then start ticking off the steps you take as you go toward reaching the goal.

Really good :) I'm pretty good at planning, and almost equally good at avoiding. What's helping me at the moment is saying just one thing. It takes the pressure off enough to freeze me so to speak. And I often find I feel able to do much more than just one thing. Anyway it's definitely helping.

I don't know, but I wonder if living with my abusive ex partner for near 20 years has had a big impact on me tending to avoid things / self sabotage if anything is going well....

I would for sure like to figure out how to not feel the need for that anymore.

Have you done any journaling/study/research/planning about these?

A little journaling / brainstorming, quite a lot of research of options. I can do more for sure.

Same here, have you defined/researched self-care and ways to get back out into the world? Have you listed what you're interested in and then looked for opportunities to engage in those activities in the world?

Yes, and this is where I wonder about living with my ex and the impact that has on me. I've been working on picking myself back up the whole time I've been with him. And inevitably he'll be drunk and abusive and it always knocked me back down.

His behaviour foes knock me back to the ground less than it did. But I have also withdrawn to my bedroom for most of the past 3 years to avoid him.

And I think things might be better when I'm away from him.

Sorry for all the questions, I'm not sure where you're at in this process and don't want to overload you. I'm a planner and great at that, it's getting past that when I fall down and sit for a while.

I'm really ever so grateful, extremely helpful in helping me get stuff off my chest. I'm a planner too, and I know just what you mean about difficulty in getting started again when stopped. As I said the Just one thing is really helping me with that. :)

In case it might help, I'll share what I did last week to get me started. I wrote out a list of all the negative thoughts in my mind that are holding me back and holding me down, listed what I have coming up immediately that I need to address in terms of deadlines, listed what I "need" to do sooner rather than later, and I wrote up a list of strengths/weaknesses/opportunities/threats (SWOT - it's a business evaluative tool that I tweak for myself). I also had to do some thinking about what I feel I'm capable of right now (what I CAN) do because I'm still pretty weak and having difficulties thinking straight from having the flu (I hope this passes soon!) and make daily lists. I'm also doing a fair bit of journaling and working on processing my thinking - I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts and dreams.

Thank you for that, I will defo look into it - or, you say you tweak it for yourself, can you say a bit more about it?

And I hope you are feeling a bit better too? :hug:
 
One of my favorite decision making tricks... for big life altering long term decision making... is to pretend I‘ve won the lottery. And then I spend it.

Literally (figuratively? What IS the correct word here, for an imaginary venture?) I figure out who I’m giving it away to (friends, family, charities, etc.), how much I’m putting in reserve to live off the interest (£1M = about 40k per annum on the 4 percents, but 2-6% interest is fairly normal, so it’s a simple maths thing to work out... even so, I often just get lazy and stick half in the bank to work out the rest later), any other practical matters... and my beloveds and my own ass secure? I set about spending the rest of it :sneaky:

So let’s say, for this exercise, that you have £50million. How would you spend it?

***
What this does, for me, is remove all limitations. I can get as creative and silly and practical as I please. And as I start listing those things out? I start to notice things about myself. Because the human mind is extraordinary... it can prioritize even utterly impossible things, by different kinds of logic. And reverse it, relate it, turn it around in all kinds of different ways. (They’ve done studies on this, Like asking in what order someone would choose to eat inedible objects, if they had to choose. Extraordinary thing, the human heart/mind. Simply extraordinary! :D So really, really do just play. Don’t worry about making it make sense. Sky’s the limit, and only barely, with space missions being privatized).

So with my imaginary £50m I might buy a
- £1.4 blue water sailboat.
- Fund an archeological expedition
- Get half a dozen top shelf surgeries (joint repair, plastic surgery, eye surgery, etc.)
- Donate to Médecins Sans Frontières/Doctors Without Borders (MSF)
- Move to ______ (climate, country, city)
- Buy/Build a house with a swimming pool & stable.
etc. <<< BIG ET CETERA >>> I usually aim for a list with at least 25 thIngs on it, or more... and have had some lists with 100+.

Now, clearly, in real life? I can’t just do that, much less all of that. But I CAN still have everything on my list be a PART of my life... that I want to be. In different ways. Like take sailing lessons, or start saving for a sailing holiday in the Caribbean, or get paid to sail by crewing. Go as a volunteer to an archeological dig, or attend lectures by archeologists in town about their discoveries, or buy coffee table books, spend more time at museums, or (in my case I actually went to school for it). Start saving for surgeries and researching both the doctors and insurance I would want, time off, etc. Volunteer with MSF, from in the field itself to a coat check girl at a gala fundraiser. Rent a flat with a pool on the roof/in the basement. Et cetera.

Because my pie in the sky imaginary list? Actually translates exceptionally well into my real life. In different ways, under different priorities. Some high priority things in my lottery list are actually fairly low in real life... shrug. And that’s just fine. Because the goal of this particular exercise is to have fun, getting to know what I want without limits, so I can evaluate better what I actually want in a limited world... and decide how to achieve it.
 
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Hi @berlinda - Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking on this and doing some searching back through my journal and reference materials for suggestions for both of us before I respond. Hoping you're having a good Valentine's Day. ? Sending heart hugs ? and ? VB
 
Well, I wrote a small thesis for you, but thought it too rambling. :)

And I think things might be better when I'm away from him.

Your heart seems to have the answer for you here. Living with a negative/destructive force can break and or shutdown your spirit/will. I lived with someone for 16 years and it definitely had an impact on me and my ability to take care of myself. I hope you will be able to relocate away from him sooner rather than later.

As to your residence, have you done any research and complied a pro/con list? I've found these to be really helpful to cut through the chafe when making decisions.

For sure being aware I need to make some decisions is a big part of what's going through my mind a lot. The other big part is I think, trying to avoid stuff. A tug of war!

Have you done any thinking around why you are using avoidance and what the payoff might be? I had some light bulbs come to life over the weekend about this for myself. I had the thought that avoidance is like a maladaptive coping mechanism for me. So, it's not really about the behavior, it's about what's driving the behavior. Kind of like an eating disorder. IDK, I might just be late getting to this party, but it was a revelation for me. Not that I was intentionally being a "bad, lazy girl" in avoiding this or that, but that there is something behind this and I need to figure it out and take back the wheel.

I think if I can figure this out, then all the list making, planning, analyzing will be employable. Until I do, it's like white-knuckling recovery which isn't optimum for the long haul. Kind of like putting an Ace bandage on a broken ankle. I hope that makes sense. If not, let me know and I'll work on re-thinking that.

Hope you're having a good day today and can get out into nature or do something creative. ?
 
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