justaperson
New Here
hey. so yeah, i guess you could say i had my "felt it the second my pre-frontal cortex fully developed" moment and spontaneously uncovered some dark, deeply repressed trauma. i'm 25 now, was 24 when it hit me. i'd struggled very heavily with mental health my whole life, and the past few years it was getting worse and worse - i'd dropped out of my grad program in my last semester, had to quit my teaching job, was about to lose my apartment, and my symptoms were just out of control. i'd tried an outpatient program, talk therapy, psilocybin - all were beneficial, and gave me some tools that would really come in handy later, but still i was getting worse. the one good thing was getting engaged to my partner, which was the catalyst for me to decide to stop talking to my parents for a while. i really didn't know it'd be permanent. because of my amazing partner and the work i'd been doing on myself, and the separation from my family, i think my body felt safer than it ever had, and so i was sitting in bed reading a book and a certain line triggered a memory that i'd always had, but thought it was a dream, and suddenly i just knew it wasn't a dream. it was a crazy experience. every single day since that moment has been shocking and painful beyond anything i could ever imagine. the realizations just keep coming.
basically the first two decades of my life involved continuous csa by multiple perpetrators, two from my immediate family, and intense, malicious psychological abuse. it's a lot. like, it's some f*cked up shit. and i had no idea. i've been so severely dissociated my whole life, was even drugged several times. over the past year i've been processing all of this for the first time, and in the process i have lost everything and everyone, besides my partner, who's been going through a similar thing. we've really managed to keep showing up for ourselves and each other; there's so much love in my life and i couldn't be more grateful or surprised, but besides her and our cats, i really mean it when i say i have nothing and no one else left. i suddenly was able to see things so clearly, so even friends had to be let go of because i realized they'd been treating me like shit. others i just couldn't keep up with, just like work and school, so i lost everything. it's rock bottom in a way that feels impossible to come back from, sometimes. there's a lot of hope, too, i mean i'm finally free, and i'm grateful for that. i really am. i genuinely want a happy life and i'm willing to work for it. i'm working so hard, and doing so well, in spite of everything, but it's challenging beyond words, and i don't have anyone to talk to besides my partner and my therapist. and tbh, i need a new therapist. i'm looking into EMDR. anyway.
i have autism. adhd. ocd. (c)ptsd. and ever since that day 1 year and almost 2 months ago, it's all just. bam! just hit me. it was gradual for a while, and then suddenly i broke. the burnout has been unreal. the flashbacks have been unreal, the dissociation, the fibromyalgia, the paranoia, the hormonal changes. i have so many symptoms and conditions it can sound ridiculous sometimes, but it's true, and honestly it makes sense. my life has been like straight out of a true crime documentary. there's always been a lot under the surface and i've finally just. unraveled. i'm having to completely rebuild my sense of self and my life as a whole. it's a huge task.
anyway. believe me when i say i'm doing -everything- i can to heal and process and finally put myself first. i have a lot of information, resources, tools at my disposal. and someone who loves me. and an actual relationship with myself. and there are some trauma therapies i'm hopeful about. but it takes time and i'm frustrated and i'm in pain and my life has been full of so much suffering for so long and i'm just sick of waiting. i'm sick of the intensity of it all. and i'm sick of the isolation, but forming new friendships hasn't been in the cards yet. and that's okay. it's coming. but. i need -something-. i guess that's why i'm here. just to feel a little less alone.
thanks for letting me ramble.
basically the first two decades of my life involved continuous csa by multiple perpetrators, two from my immediate family, and intense, malicious psychological abuse. it's a lot. like, it's some f*cked up shit. and i had no idea. i've been so severely dissociated my whole life, was even drugged several times. over the past year i've been processing all of this for the first time, and in the process i have lost everything and everyone, besides my partner, who's been going through a similar thing. we've really managed to keep showing up for ourselves and each other; there's so much love in my life and i couldn't be more grateful or surprised, but besides her and our cats, i really mean it when i say i have nothing and no one else left. i suddenly was able to see things so clearly, so even friends had to be let go of because i realized they'd been treating me like shit. others i just couldn't keep up with, just like work and school, so i lost everything. it's rock bottom in a way that feels impossible to come back from, sometimes. there's a lot of hope, too, i mean i'm finally free, and i'm grateful for that. i really am. i genuinely want a happy life and i'm willing to work for it. i'm working so hard, and doing so well, in spite of everything, but it's challenging beyond words, and i don't have anyone to talk to besides my partner and my therapist. and tbh, i need a new therapist. i'm looking into EMDR. anyway.
i have autism. adhd. ocd. (c)ptsd. and ever since that day 1 year and almost 2 months ago, it's all just. bam! just hit me. it was gradual for a while, and then suddenly i broke. the burnout has been unreal. the flashbacks have been unreal, the dissociation, the fibromyalgia, the paranoia, the hormonal changes. i have so many symptoms and conditions it can sound ridiculous sometimes, but it's true, and honestly it makes sense. my life has been like straight out of a true crime documentary. there's always been a lot under the surface and i've finally just. unraveled. i'm having to completely rebuild my sense of self and my life as a whole. it's a huge task.
anyway. believe me when i say i'm doing -everything- i can to heal and process and finally put myself first. i have a lot of information, resources, tools at my disposal. and someone who loves me. and an actual relationship with myself. and there are some trauma therapies i'm hopeful about. but it takes time and i'm frustrated and i'm in pain and my life has been full of so much suffering for so long and i'm just sick of waiting. i'm sick of the intensity of it all. and i'm sick of the isolation, but forming new friendships hasn't been in the cards yet. and that's okay. it's coming. but. i need -something-. i guess that's why i'm here. just to feel a little less alone.
thanks for letting me ramble.
