Hi all broken up and can’t get my head around it

Hi all not posted much on here for sometime but here goes.
I left a 20 year relationship 2years ago in which I had two children me and their mum just weren’t getting on we had grown apart so I left.
Being the mother of my children and such a big part of my life we have managed to stay good friends which is nice.

I moved on and met a lovely woman with whom I was very happy with ,we were very much in love for 12 months of the relationship ,she suffered low self esteem and pessimistic overthinking but I accepted her for who she was flaws and all.

It was all great we had made future plans together I was to move in with her I’d encouraged her to reach for the life goals she had and was prepared to do anything for her even marry her.

she had often told me about how obsessed she was with her manipulative narcissistic gaslighting ex when she was with him and her love for me was different to the love she had had for him but how there would never be any going back to him for the damage he had caused her then a week before the move in date she got back in touch with him.

I was angry at this because I could see how 3 days of back and fourth chat and at one stage a 12hr message session had seriously triggered her hurts and pain he had caused her in the past.
she postponed the move in and things generally went down hill from there but she swears it was all my doing that changed the way she viewed me and what we had because I had hesitated a matter of hrs after she postponed when she asked again.

to add insult to injury four days after we had said our goodbyes she spent a weekend away with her ex and now is back with him.

Even though during our relationship she had been open and honest and transparent this hit me hard and I felt like the time we had together had been devalued ,now I’m finding it difficult to move on it feels like I never got closure as to the real reasons we split which in my mind he has forced her with the hoover manoeuvre to leave me and go back to him for round two of his abuse.

Has anybody else found their self in this situation and can shed light on why she would go back for more hurt and pain ?
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Has anybody else found their self in this situation and can shed light on why she would go back for more hurt and pain ?
I have seen it happen many times but as to the why? Narcissistic people usually have a circle of people they abuse. When they have sucked one dry for now they move on to the next. Round and round they go, shove his one away, suck another one back in.
They pick victims that will keep coming back when they need them to abuse. When they fear one of them getting away they pull out all the stops to get them back into their circle of abuse.
Sometimes I guess the gas lighting and lies are enough to make their victims feel like it won't happen again. But in the end it will. Unfortunately this results in yo-yoing from abuser to non abuser for some victims as they can't see the pattern. They will never see the pattern either as their world is screwed up in a way they think thy need that person.
 

Friday

Moderator
Has anybody else found their self in this situation and can shed light on why she would go back for more hurt and pain ?
Because anyone who WOULD say this? (Below) Already has at least one foot out the door.

how there would never be any going back to him for the damage he had caused her
For someone who is actually finis/done with someone? It’s not even a possibility in their head. What’s worse, though, is not only is she walking around actively saying no-no-no, but having to come up with reasons/justifications not to? Like old damages and new love? That’s less one foot out the door, and already on the cross town train to their stop, repeating reasons why it’s a bad idea, whilst still doing exactly what you’re telling yourself not to.
she had often told me about how obsessed she was with her manipulative narcissistic gaslighting ex when she was with him and her love for me was different to the love she had had for him but how there would never be any going back to him for the damage he had caused her then a week before the move in date she got back in touch with him.
^^^ She was STILL totally obsessed with her ex. She wasn’t over him, or done with him, and the moment the opportunity presented itself? She went back to him.
it feels like I never got closure as to the real reasons we split which in my mind he has forced her with the hoover manoeuvre to leave me and go back to him for round two of his abuse.
He didn’t force her. She chose.
That’s not a him thing. That’s a her, thing.
It’s also not a you thing.

It’s slightly less of a dick move on her part that she bailed before you two moved in together… rather than keeping both of you on the hook until god only knows when/for how long. (Whether he wanted her, or notyou wanted her and she wanted him.) By reaching out right before you two moved in together? That tells you she’s going with her FIRST choice. Before moving on with you. Which is a painful position to be in, but also somehing most of us have felt from different sides of the equation (liking 2 people, and having to make a decision; being chosen over someone else, someone else being chosen over us).

Was there some magical combination of events that could have happened for her to choose differently? She either thinks so, or wants you to think, so. Both of which are super-lame ways to avoid the responsibility for her own decisions (by blaming you). When you care for 2 men, and choose 1? Blaming the other for your own choice below the belt. It’s cruel. And mean spirited. And manipulative as HELL, as it can keep them on the hook (blaming themselves & blaming the other bloke) whilst you play house with your first choice, in case your first choice doesn’t work out.

This kind of behavior? Is the kind of thing that if I knew the 2 of you in real life, I’d take a woman’s prerogative… knock her flat, and put the fear of god in her to stay the hell away from you. Because women like that? Don’t. She’ll be back in your life -or the next nearest knight she can find- to sob into their chest, and patch up their boo boos before going back to their first choice. Time. And time. And time again.. <<< Is that a trauma thing? Sure, maybe, kinda. People learn all kinds of f*cked up behaviors in trauma. Doesn’t make them okay. And IRL, I don’t let people f*ck with my friends/family that way. Nor excuse wherever the hell they learned it was “okay” to do so.

I’m making some pretty bold assertions, considering that I know neither of you, I know.

And, sure, maybe you two are the exception to the rule.

But women who con for safe-harbor?
Are as common -and predictable- as men who con for sex.

It’s always the same damn story. He’s so terrible, you’re so wonderful, I could never go back to him, cut to the next scene, she’s back with him, blaming you for her choices.

>.< So. Many. Times.

It’s a thousand times worse than the “Honey, he’s not gonna call.” convo when a chick gets played for sex, because when a bloke gets played for safe harbor? That’s not a one night stand. That’s MONTHS (6-18) of these women licking their wounds clean, and fantasizing about building a life with someone… only to leave them, not because it’s not working, but because they got MOST of what they wanted (The rest being safe harbor to return to, the next time they need to lick their wounds). Because these women? Don’t do “closure”. They deliberately (or by force of habit) keep wounds open and bleeding, so they’ll be welcomed back. Even pouring salt in them every so often with the tearful phone call full of regret for having made the wrong choice, or the oh they’re so-so-afraid, and so-so-sorry. Not that they’re actually ready to leave, yet. Just to keep the other man on the hook, his life stopped & waiting for her, ready to welcome her back with open arms whilst wildly protective/defensive against anything or anyone coming for her.

Bullshit emotional games, piss me off, no end.

I’d love to be wrong about her… but word for word I’ve heard your story a thousand times over. (Downside of living/working/playing with very Alpha/protective men my whole durn life… they’re targets for emotional leeches & professional victims. Almost everyone I’ve ever known gets played at least once for safe harbor, and about 20% make a habit of it. IE why does someone in abuse keep going back? Why does someone treated like shit, keep accepting them back?).

Honey? He’s not gonna call. It was a one night stand.

She, on the other hand? Will undoubtedly be back. Again, and again, and again. For the love of god, find someone better, who actually deserves being trusted with your heart.

Are there exceptions to that? Sure. Sometimes, weeks later, he calls. And it’s not a booty call. Sometimes, women ping ponging back and forth between abusive asshole & white knight(s), stay with the knight. Neither of those two exceptions are about you, though. Whether you’re the girl staring at the phone that isn’t ringing, or the guy with a future crumbing. There’s nothing either can do to turn the other person into someone they’re not, but someone you’d believed them to be.
 
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Well still finding it hard to let go and accept it’s over it hurts like hell.
She got in touch to say she had found some belongings of mine entered into some chat.
She still denies she’s with her ex and was quite blunt about it too.
why can’t I just wake up one morning and this pain and stress is gone?😥
 
It's about pain and pleasure. Look up Tony Robbins. She probably fears being with you because getting to close can cause pain. Being with the wrong, person meaks not getting as close to a person. Usually it has to do with past relationship(s). There is nothing you can do, it is up to her to resolve the issue.
 
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