Sufferer Hi! Any other F/T parents?

SpookyMumma

New Here
Hi everyone, I'm new. I'm a 31 year old mother of a 3 year old.
I have made a post in another thread but wanted to post here too as I'm wanting to connect with other full time parents who are experiencing PTSD.
My PTSD comes from my childhood and involves a family member that is still very much in my life, (we were young children and I don't believe he understood what he was doing) this has been such a struggle as I don't feel I can tell everyone in my life what I'm experiencing. Especially my father, as we have a wonderful relationship that I don't want to ruin. Also, I want things to be as peaceful and 'normal' for my son as they can be.
I'm in therapy and we're now onto inner child work which is very helpful but it does make me think about my son as well, I want his childhood to be great. I want him to have the Mum he deserves.
I have a super supportive partner whom my son and I live with, and we love him very much and I want us to continue to be a family (and have a happy life if that's possible for me).
I guess I just want to know if anyone can relate to my situation?
 

Friday

Moderator
Parent? Yep. I’m phasing out… although Covid threw the breaks on a lot of those plans… TheKiddo’s old enough now he could leave whenever the fancy strikes him. My hope is that he’ll take a couple years to get his feet under him. But I’m not pushing for it. Just making it available.

Parenting with PTSD? Under very different circumstances. My PTSD was virtually asymptomatic during the first 10 years of his life, I’d already had a 5 year tailspin I’d mostly sorted before he was born. It wasn’t until he was older that new trauma, increased stress, and loss of coping mechanisms brought everything screaming forward, for Round2! in the PTSD Badlands.

The first 9 years of my son’s life were amazing / almoooost everything I could have hoped, & worked my ass off, to achieve.

These last 9 years? We’re brutal as f*ck, for him, and whilst not my worst fears? That’s a pretty high bar. About the only good things I can say about the last 9 (fear wise) are that he wasn’t picked up by a rebel or national army, forced to kill his family, & turned into a child soldier or f*ck puppet. All the OTHER lower levels of bad? Very much a part of his life. Sigh. Like I said. High bar for f*cked uppedness. Still, I often think we’d have done better NOT here in this first world clusterf*ck, but somewhere the risk comes from armed men and boys in trucks, and corrupt police; instead of white collar father’s, their armies of lawyers, and powerless police.

I decided to raise my son in this country, because I DIDN’T want third world threats looming over and shaping his life. For the first 9 years? That worked. My trauma history didn’t become his. Instead, for the last 9 years, we had all new kinds of bad.

Welcome to the community!
 

SpookyMumma

New Here
Parent? Yep. I’m phasing out… although Covid threw the breaks on a lot of those plans… TheKiddo’s old enough now he could leave whenever the fancy strikes him. My hope is that he’ll take a couple years to get his feet under him. But I’m not pushing for it. Just making it available.

Parenting with PTSD? Under very different circumstances. My PTSD was virtually asymptomatic during the first 10 years of his life, I’d already had a 5 year tailspin I’d mostly sorted before he was born. It wasn’t until he was older that new trauma, increased stress, and loss of coping mechanisms brought everything screaming forward, for Round2! in the PTSD Badlands.

The first 9 years of my son’s life were amazing / almoooost everything I could have hoped, & worked my ass off, to achieve.

These last 9 years? We’re brutal as f*ck, for him, and whilst not my worst fears? That’s a pretty high bar. About the only good things I can say about the last 9 (fear wise) are that he wasn’t picked up by a rebel or national army, forced to kill his family, & turned into a child soldier or f*ck puppet. All the OTHER lower levels of bad? Very much a part of his life. Sigh. Like I said. High bar for f*cked uppedness. Still, I often think we’d have done better NOT here in this first world clusterf*ck, but somewhere the risk comes from armed men and boys in trucks, and corrupt police; instead of white collar father’s, their armies of lawyers, and powerless police.

I decided to raise my son in this country, because I DIDN’T want third world threats looming over and shaping his life. For the first 9 years? That worked. My trauma history didn’t become his. Instead, for the last 9 years, we had all new kinds of bad.

Welcome to the community!
Thank you for your response. I really appreciate you sharing your story.

I've been struggling mentally with the parenting aspect of all of this the most.
I don't want my trauma to affect him, and I want him to have a lovely childhood.
This does mean that I probably put more stress on myself however, which can obviously cause more problems for me.

It's so hard to find a balance. However I am definitely doing better. Therapy has been very positive. I just hate the thoughts popping in like "you'll never be good enough for him" etc. He means everything to me, I couldn't lose him.
 

Friday

Moderator
BLUFF : Bottom Line Up Front

On the subject (novel below) on parenting with PTSD & finding balance? My absolute fave resource is right here >>> The ptsd cup explanation

He means everything to me, I couldn't lose him.
That’s what did me in… I couldn’t protect my son, and my world shattered.


It's so hard to find a balance.
During the first 9 years I’d often write “We’ve got time.” on one hand & “We will do this, again.” on my other. One of the few symptoms I’ve never really been able to kick, just temper, is the whole “sense of foreshortened future” thing. So, even at my best? I was very seize the day!!! 😃 Which, to be fair, led to an absolutely brilliant life -most of the time- for a long time. But I’d gut myself over wanting to do EVERYTHING, perfectly, now. Right now. Now. Now. Now. As that was often the only real thing, to me. Taking a deep breath, and stepping back, and allowing for the possibility / reminding myself that life? Is more than now. We’ve got time. And we’ll do this, again.

Other times? We’d “call a snow day” when mommy hit. her. limit. and was soooo not capable of doing anything else but being facedown on the couch staring into space. (Homeschooling an extrovert with ADHD meant our days were BOOKED solid, most seasons; classes, sports, playdates outings from the moment we woke up to head’s hitting the pillow. Wall to wall people-people-people. As I happen to be an introvert with a finite capacity for stress? Some days? That’s a whole lotta NOPE! Not gonna so it! Wouldn’t be prudent!). Which meant we cancelled everything scheduled, set up the tent & twinkle lights in the living room in front of the TV, ordered in Pizza, changed into jammies, and had a movie marathon. Just us.

It was rare I hit my limit, because what made those years virtually asymptomatic? Seriously. Badass. Stress. Management. Not that I knew that. It was just things I added into my life, in layers, totally organically/accidentally that bled stress off on a daily basis, as well as in great big huge chunks at regular intervals (so no matter how hard “now” was? I KNEW I had a break coming). Whether it was a twice a month mini-break by way of an overnight, or his spending a week or two at a camp every 3 months. And easily a dozen other things. None of which did much all on their own, but put all together? BLISS of sanity.

^^^
During my best years? That’s what balance looked like. Knowing somehing was a problem, so incorporating the solution into daily life, so it was something to look forward to… instead of a problem to be shredded over.

But probably the most useful thing I ever learned is that balance is never stationary. It’s always in motion, adapting to changing circumstance. What works this week? Won’t work next week, and will only make things worse next month. That’s something to cry over and hate myself for… or? Something to get excited about, as it means new adventures, and an ever growing sense of wonder, and a thousand new things to laugh about. Laugh or cry, ya know? So much of life there’s no choice in the matter, whenever I DO have a choice, I go for laughter.
 

SpookyMumma

New Here
That’s what did me in… I couldn’t protect my son, and my world shattered.



During the first 9 years I’d often write “We’ve got time.” on one hand & “We will do this, again.” on my other. One of the few symptoms I’ve never really been able to kick, just temper, is the whole “sense of foreshortened future” thing. So, even at my best? I was very seize the day!!! 😃Which, to be fair, led to an absolutely brilliant life -most of the time- for a long time. But I’d gut myself over wanting to do EVERYTHING, perfectly, now. Right now. Now. Now. Now. As that was often the only real thing, to me. Taking a deep breath, and stepping back, and allowing for the possibility / reminding myself that life? Is more than now. We’ve got time. And we’ll do this, again.

Other times? We’d “call a snow day” when mommy hit. her. limit. and was soooo not capable of doing anything else but being facedown on the couch staring into space. (Homeschooling an extrovert with ADHD meant our days were BOOKED solid, most seasons; classes, sports, playdates outings from the moment we woke up to head’s hitting the pillow. Wall to wall people-people-people. As I happen to be an introvert with a finite capacity for stress? Some days? That’s a whole lotta NOPE! Not gonna so it! Wouldn’t be prudent!). Which meant we cancelled everything scheduled, set up the tent & twinkle lights in the living room in front of the TV, ordered in Pizza, changed into jammies, and had a movie marathon. Just us.

It was rare I hit my limit, because what made those years virtually asymptomatic? Seriously. Badass. Stress. Management. Not that I knew that. It was just things I added into my life, in layers, totally organically/accidentally that bled stress off on a daily basis, as well as in great big huge chunks at regular intervals (so no matter how hard “now” was? I KNEW I had a break coming). Whether it was a twice a month mini-break by way of an overnight, or his spending a week or two at a camp every 3 months. And easily a dozen other things. None of which did much all on their own, but put all together? BLISS of sanity.

^^^
During my best years? That’s what balance looked like. Knowing somehing was a problem, so incorporating the solution into daily life, so it was something to look forward to… instead of a problem to be shredded over.

But probably the most useful thing I ever learned is that balance is never stationary. It’s always in motion, adapting to changing circumstance. What works this week? Won’t work next week, and will only make things worse next month. That’s something to cry over and hate myself for… or? Something to get excited about, as it means new adventures, and an ever growing sense of wonder, and a thousand new things to laugh about. Laugh or cry, ya know? So much of life there’s no choice in the matter, whenever I DO have a choice, I go for laughter.
I admire you very much! You've really the most of your situation.
I'm just starting to navigate all of this.
It's only been a few months for me and my son is 3 and a half.

My life isn't particularly busy as he's only just started nursery, and I'm not working at the moment. I feel like the fact we aren't busy makes things very tough.
I feel like I'm constantly trying to think of things that we can do which will entertain him, and occupy my mind enough so that I can be what he needs and wants in a Mum.

I don't have the chance of breaks either really, my partner works nights so he's not able to help out an awful lot. Also my parents both have younger children still living at home so him staying over at theirs is very rare.
He stayed at my Dad's this Saturday just gone, and that was the second time he'd ever stayed out!

I guess I will figure some things out that I can do to help myself in time.
 

SpookyMumma

New Here
Yep parent of a 2 year old here, constantly wondering whether im doing right by her, glad im not the only one!
Hi! It's so hard isn't it! Do you constantly worry whether you're good enough for the job with everything going on in your head? I do and it's heartbreaking because I love him more than anything and I know I've done a bloody good job raising him so far!!
 

Bristol

MyPTSD Pro
Yep constantly, i second guess everything, whether she watches too much tv, whether she thinks im distant/neglecting her etc its a constant anxiety fest!
 

SpookyMumma

New Here
Yep constantly, i second guess everything, whether she watches too much tv, whether she thinks im distant/neglecting her etc its a constant anxiety fest!
Me too! And I worry so much about him that I often forget to look after myself, which is obviously the key thing to dealing with PTSD! I'm definitely getting better at that though. Taking baby steps.
How long have you been dealing with your PTSD?
 

Bristol

MyPTSD Pro
Im awful at looking after myself, i have not got past putting everyone else first yet which is a constant battle. Im on about 20 years now, having my daughter made alot of it worse so thats been fun!
 

SpookyMumma

New Here
Im awful at looking after myself, i have not got past putting everyone else first yet which is a constant battle. Im on about 20 years now, having my daughter made alot of it worse so thats been fun!
Oh my gosh bless you :( I've only been dealing with mine for a few months! It's definitely something I could have dealt with a lot easier if I wasn't a mother.
It's just made me question my whole life. At first it was whether I even deserved one in the first place. Crazy what your brain can say to you when something wasn't even your fault!
I'm past those thoughts now but I'm still struggling to make it through the day a lot of the time.
Are you a single parent? And do you mind me asking how old you are?
 
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