Sufferer Hi from the UK, looking for an outlet where people understand

BattlingBird

New Here
Hi, Came across this site as lookin for an outlet that may actually understand my brain right now.

Was diagnosed ptsd last year and been having EMDR ever since, although that stopped due to lockdown. Was offered via teams or zoom but I have a young child and the content isn’t something I ever want her to hear.

Was in an abusive relationship with my daughters dad for 12 years, every kind of horror show you can imagine... it’s left me like a shell.. I feel nothing most of the time like I’m unable to actually have any emotion anymore. Someone said to me once that my eyes are dead, like there’s no one there and that stuck with me as it sums me up perfectly. I can’t really talk to anyone about what happened to me, I even struggle telling my T the truth sometimes as I don’t want her to feel bad as she’s making absolutely no difference to me.. I always say Yes I feel great this week.

I am completely lonely and would love to have someone in my life but I don’t ever see that happening as I couldn’t inflict myself on someone else. I would make their life Unbearable.. when someone in the post office or somewhere even looks at me I instantly feel like Oh I could love them when in reality I could never bring myself to even speak.

My alcohol is out of control as this is the only time when I actually cry so it’s an emotion and think I cling onto that. Every start of the week I tell myself no more quit the booze but by the end of the day it’s poured.

The loneliness of my life is consuming and I actually hate it. I pray that one day I will be me again but I’m reality I don’t even know if that person I remember ever existed cause it was such a long time ago, or have I remembered it different to how i actually was?!

Anyway just saying Hi, battling but trying you know?!
 
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mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
Hi. Welcome @BattlingBird. It sucks what brought you here, but I'm glad you found us.
I hope this site supports you on your healing journey.
If you are anything like me, you desperately want to be well and fit to raise your child and suffer from the fear of not being well enough to parent.

I have struggled, many, many, years unwell and parenting, and every bit of progress I make, benefits them, I know it.

Have you looked into TRE? I found that helpful when talk therapy wasn't doing it for me, we have very little EMDR in my country and I've never had access to it, but Trauma Release Therapy was effective when the ubiquitous "councelling" just wasn't doing enough.

Maybe a "Trauma journal" here, might help? Many of us find it very beneficial.
I know what you mean about not feeling, I used to go through that a lot, too. I still get delayed reactions.

Healing takes time, a lot of time, but sometimes it happens rapidly too, a big leap forward is not uncommon, but there is so much to unpack, when dealing with domestic abuse. I'm sorry you've been through so much, it sounds awful.

I'm sure you are lovable, but need time to heal, to find your feet, and to figure out where to from here. It sounds like you are going through a "Dark Night of the Soul" which is very disorienting, the good thing about a dark night of the Soul is that morning, dawn, will come up, for your soul ~your self, too. So take heart. This too, will pass.
 

BattlingBird

New Here
Hi. Welcome @BattlingBird. It sucks what brought you here, but I'm glad you found us.
I hope this site supports you on your healing journey.
If you are anything like me, you desperately want to be well and fit to raise your child and suffer from the fear of not being well enough to parent.

I have struggled, many, many, years unwell and parenting, and every bit of progress I make, benefits them, I know it.

Have you looked into TRE? I found that helpful when talk therapy wasn't doing it for me, we have very little EMDR in my country and I've never had access to it, but Trauma Release Therapy was effective when the ubiquitous "councelling" just wasn't doing enough.

Maybe a "Trauma journal" here, might help? Many of us find it very beneficial.
I know what you mean about not feeling, I used to go through that a lot, too. I still get delayed reactions.

Healing takes time, a lot of time, but sometimes it happens rapidly too, a big leap forward is not uncommon, but there is so much to unpack, when dealing with domestic abuse. I'm sorry you've been through so much, it sounds awful.

I'm sure you are lovable, but need time to heal, to find your feet, and to figure out where to from here. It sounds like you are going through a "Dark Night of the Soul" which is very disorienting, the good thing about a dark night of the Soul is that morning, dawn, will come up, for your soul ~your self, too. So take heart. This too, will pass.
Thank you so much for your reply I cannot tell you what it means.. immediately you get it! I so want to get well for my daughter.. She too is having therapy and I constantly think if I’m better then she will be too and/or I could help her more.. I
I’ve done some tick lists this morning for this weeks goals and so the journal sounds a really good idea too..
I’ve never heard of TRE, but I was battling and diagnosed for so long i am still learning.. Took a major breakdown to get properly assessed, our NHS system for mental health isn’t renowned for its speed or accuracy.. But will speak to my EMDR Therapist on Friday. Thank you again for reaching out to me, I cannot begin to explain what a difference that’s made to my day x
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
You are very welcome :-).
Lists are great aren't they? When I was freshly out of my long term domestic abuse relationship, I would make list after list and I noticed, that, just the act of writing a list would help me feel a little more focused, a little more alive and a little less overwhelmed and devastated.

TRE stands for Trauma or Tension Release Exercises. There is lots of stuff on youtube about it, but ideally, one works with a therapist who you feel comfortable with, because feeling safe and supported is a key part in it working.
But then again, some folk feel safer doing things like this at home, so whatever works for you.

I now practice (almost) daily yoga with a youtube teacher as I feel much more comfortable doing that now.
So it's a matter of trial and error and finding what works best for you, what kind of therapy, or therapist helps you feel better.

We have two "Trauma journal" forums here on site, where you can do a form of "exposure therapy", "creative therapy" (as in writing practice) and, if you find it useful and helpful, receive peer support, in your own journal. You can choose from the more private members only journal or the more public forum.
 

Mogz

New Here
Hi, Came across this site as lookin for an outlet that may actually understand my brain right now.

Was diagnosed ptsd last year and been having EMDR ever since, although that stopped due to lockdown. Was offered via teams or zoom but I have a young child and the content isn’t something I ever want her to hear.

Was in an abusive relationship with my daughters dad for 12 years, every kind of horror show you can imagine... it’s left me like a shell.. I feel nothing most of the time like I’m unable to actually have any emotion anymore. Someone said to me once that my eyes are dead, like there’s no one there and that stuck with me as it sums me up perfectly. I can’t really talk to anyone about what happened to me, I even struggle telling my T the truth sometimes as I don’t want her to feel bad as she’s making absolutely no difference to me.. I always say Yes I feel great this week.

I am completely lonely and would love to have someone in my life but I don’t ever see that happening as I couldn’t inflict myself on someone else. I would make their life Unbearable.. when someone in the post office or somewhere even looks at me I instantly feel like Oh I could love them when in reality I could never bring myself to even speak.

My alcohol is out of control as this is the only time when I actually cry so it’s an emotion and think I cling onto that. Every start of the week I tell myself no more quit the booze but by the end of the day it’s poured.

The loneliness of my life is consuming and I actually hate it. I pray that one day I will be me again but I’m reality I don’t even know if that person I remember ever existed cause it was such a long time ago, or have I remembered it different to how i actually was?!

Anyway just saying Hi, battling but trying you know?!
Hey, I felt so alone also even when surrounded by friends and loved ones I know that may sound crazy.

ive been on and off therapy for the last couple of years I’ve mainly been having CBT which helps lots but struggling to connect to services in the community 😟
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hiya @BattlingBird, welcome to the site 😊. It sounds like you've had a terrible time. I can relate to alot that you've described. The dead eyes or 'thousand miles stare'! Drinking a bottle of vodka just because I knew it would enable me to start crying and have that effect. I'm an alcoholic but haven't drunk alcohol for nearly 3 months. I've also stopped smoking because I had a massive heart attack that nearly killed me. My trauma comes from violence, psychological and emotional abuse and humiliation. I've also had three serious head injuries and quite often find it really difficult to even speak. There's alot of special and supportive people on this site so keep on posting and people will support you. All the best to you. S3 😊.
 
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Mogz

New Here
Hiya @BattlingBird, welcome to the site 😊. It sounds like you've had a terrible time. I can relate to alot that you've described. The dead eyes or 'thousand miles stare'! Drinking a bottle of vodka just because I knew it would enable me to start crying and have that effect. I'm an alcoholic but haven't drunk alcohol for nearly 3 months. I've also stopped smoking because I had a massive heart attack that nearly killed me. My trauma comes from violence, psychological and emotional abuse and humiliation. I've also had three serious head injuries and quite often find it really difficult to even speak. There's alot of special and supportive people on this site so keep on posting and people will support you. All the best to you. S3 😊.
Hi S3,
I was so shocked how alcohol took over, I’ve drank alcohol since my youth and it was a massive part of the culture I grew up in. Unfortunately for me I used it as a crutch when major trauma happened in my life, I thought and won a drug addiction 20 years ago and witnessed the destruction of addiction in others since, I never thought it would happen to me again. I had a complete breakdown 18 months ago which caused hurt and pain to my family, friends and myself, I had already become aware my mental health was not good and had pursued help through my GP to no avail, it took a catastrophe to jolt a full psychiatric review, my first time seeing a psychiatrist was probably the first time I’d every opened myself to anyone, and it was hell !!

I was diagnosed with CPTSD and thought “what was that ?”
I’d been to hell and back, witnessed hellish events and experienced loss,pain and suffering first hand on far to many occasions for anyone to go through with a stiff upper lip or grin and bare attitude, again the culture and parental modelling for which I was accustomed to.



My time in rehab helped to a degree but looking back it wasn’t reality, I’ve described it as being on a cloud looking down at life, feeling safe but terrified to fall off also. I had then started to understand my diagnosis and became aware that my symptoms were in key to that diagnosis, I had tried to hide and avoid my feelings, flashbacks, nightmares,guilt, and grievance for to long.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
@Mogz, yeah I get it. I've had very similar experiences. Sometimes it takes very serious and dangerous things to happen before we are shocked enough to drastically change our behaviours. I've never been to rehab but I can completely imagine and understand what your saying about it being separate from reality. It's in the real world that you have to cope and implement those changes and new behaviours.
 

Mogz

New Here
Absolutely, one saying I hear so much is live for the moment or take each day as it comes, I understand the thought process but when you’re problems for which you struggle to cope with are the reality for which you live in it becomes some what difficult to take heed of such guidance.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Absolutely, one saying I hear so much is live for the moment or take each day as it comes, I understand the thought process but when you’re problems for which you struggle to cope with are the reality for which you live in it becomes some what difficult to take heed of such guidance.
one of the things that I've noticed about being free from alcohol and cigarettes is that thought processs's and emotions become easier to deal with. You can 'filter' your reactions to hurtful or (annoying)/painful thoughts much easier. It's quite a relief.
 

Mogz

New Here
Very true I found alcohol was the perfect solution in many’s was for the here and now, but the consequence and anxiety in the aftermath was far worse than Dealing with the situation.
 
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